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in a timeless, placeless place - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
in a timeless, placeless place
There are two phrases that keep coming into my mind: I'm just so tired and I want to go home. I don't even know what they mean any more, really. "Tired" is what happens between waking up and going to sleep. "Home" is something that happens to other people.

I can't go on like this. But I don't know how to stop.

I don't think I can even go on for another week like this. So I just go on for another day. And another. And another. And so on, until they days become... nothing. I haven't experienced a month for over 5 months. Just a string of days, and the occasional week.

I feel so hollow inside from crying and from not sleeping. I don't want to sleep now. Maybe I'll never sleep again. I don't want to draw lines between the days, you see. Then I won't have to live another day, I can just go on living this one, and telling myself that I'll give up tomorrow.

I can't see any future. I can't even see tomorrow morning. It'll happen whether I like it or not, but I can't envisage it, I can't plan for it. It'll just shake me rudely awake when the time comes, and there'll be nothing I can do about it, and I'll get up and get dressed and go out as if I'm still dreaming. Maybe I am.

Current Mood: dreading

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Comments
huskyteer From: huskyteer Date: January 15th, 2004 03:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Just taking it one day at a time is absolutely the right way to cope. Don't think about the future, and one day you'll suddenly find yourself in it. And each day you get through, however much of a struggle, is a small victory.

(Eh...I'm sure if you actually wanted cheesy pseudo-philosophy, you could get it from a desk calendar or something...)
j4 From: j4 Date: January 15th, 2004 03:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Don't think about the future, and one day you'll suddenly find yourself in it.

That's what I'm afraid of. (Sand and water and a million years gone by.)

And each day you get through, however much of a struggle, is a small victory.

But why? Why is it somehow Good and Right and Proper to struggle on even if you're not enjoying it? What does it achieve? For whom is it a victory? Or is it just a victory of endurance over common sense? I really don't know any more.
huskyteer From: huskyteer Date: January 15th, 2004 03:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
> Why is it somehow Good and Right and Proper to struggle on even if you're not enjoying it?

Well, in my case, because the alternative is completely bloody terrifying. I'm very much a rage-rage-against-the-dying-of-the-light type. 'Cause once the bulb blows the light is out for a damn long time.

And because things do eventually change. Really. Nobody can exist in the same mental state forever, with the possible exception of the Queen.
k425 From: k425 Date: January 16th, 2004 01:58 am (UTC) (Link)
Why is it good and right? Because there's a good chance that there will be an end to this and things get enjoyable again. And I'm pretty sure things will get enjoyable again.
jiggery_pokery From: jiggery_pokery Date: January 15th, 2004 10:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Not saying that this necessarily will help, but it might and you might feel that it's at least worth a try.

Did you ever make a list of 50 (??) simple little things which you enjoy or are amused by, no matter how trivial they are? It can be a therapeutic exercise. There's also the possibility of deliberately changing your routine to try to incorporate them to a slightly greater extent. A small but pleasant distraction might go some way towards taking your mind off the enormity.

Thinking of you.
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: January 16th, 2004 01:53 pm (UTC) (Link)

giving it all up

Well, don't. Your other friends are right: things change, they do get better, and if you are seriously talking about death, that's not common sense, that's a non-sense. You have too many people who love you and who would be damaged by your death; your physical health is good; you can play music, dance, move about, speak, read, write, have all your limbs. This temporary state of emotional paradigm-shifting get at you does indeed require endurance, but so does everything worth having, and life is worth having: especially yours.

The good in not giving up lies in your mother's security that you are alive, in your father's care for you, in your sister's comradeship, in the care and love of your friends; in the work you do for Oxfam, in the way you work at the pub, in the gifts you bring to your orchestra and your choir.


Believe me, lots of people manage to have a good life just by accepting that they can't depend on their plans or envisionings, and living, making the most of what they do have, from day to day. Most "plans" are illusory anyway: a product of self-deluding and sleep-walking by people seeking precisely what they cannot or indeed will not choose to have.

You have what you have. You don't have what you don't have. You tell yourself that if you only had what you don't have you'd be happy and as you can't have that you can't live, enjoy life, enjoy what is spread out before you like a banquet? Don't be a fundamentalist, a this-happiness-or-none, brainwashed by the Happiness Terrorists (ooo, ooo, scarequotes, if you don't get X then you'll never be happy, gotta get X no matter what it costs), by the belief that the Elysian Fields are some kind of permanent address. They aren't, but you will be able to keep visiting them from time to time over the years. You will.

Be happy with the small things that come to you. For now. The big stuff will take care of itself if you do the small stuff.

Get some sleep.
j4 From: j4 Date: January 17th, 2004 08:37 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: giving it all up

Be happy with the small things that come to you.

I don't know how to respond to "Be happy" when it's voiced as an order. If I'm not happy, then I'm not happy. I can't force myself to be happy with something that makes me miserable. I'm not saying that only one thing in the world can make me happy -- but I'm certainly not happy with where I am at the moment.

And things like this:

Believe me, lots of people manage to have a good life just by accepting that they can't depend on their plans or envisionings, and living, making the most of what they do have, from day to day.

only serve to make me feel desperately guilty for not feeling happy. After all, my superiors tell me that I must be happy and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life: what kind of hopeless failure must I be if I can't even manage that much? I might as well just bow out and let a worthwhile human being have all the opportunities that I'm wasting.
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: January 18th, 2004 05:08 am (UTC) (Link)

real apologies

Sorry, it did come across as an order but it was meant as a suggestion. It was, I realise, a quote from a song by Johnny Clegg called In my African Dream, and the full verse is "Old man sitting in the shade of a bong tree, talking of the things he used to do: 'Suffering is life, life is suffering, be happy with the small things that come to you, that come to you...' " Happiness comes, it doesn't respond to being sought. Many things can be sought for in themselves, but not happiness as some kind of clinical entity.

Giving up doesn't mean a "worthwhile" person will get what you have. Which you know, really. Nobody can in any way "have" or "take over" your experience or the love other people have for you: your life is in no way a transferable asset. When it's gone it's gone and you would leave people inconsolable. That isn't meant to "make" you "feel guilty", it's an uncontestable fact and has to be said just in case you had forgotten it or thought it was a fiction your head had dreamed up independently.

All I am trying to do is point out that "giving up" or ending your life artificially can be and should be argued against in plain terms.
That's not to say you shouldn't think it over, talk about it, write about it, but you don't really expect thinking people who care for you to sit by and say "oh, hey, that's too bad, but whatever, if that's your choice...". Getting rid of your life as a response to your feelings, which your other self/selves know will change, is not something anyone can contemplate lightly.

I never said anything about you *having* to be grateful or happy for what you have: only listing what you have. It's a reality check.

You are not a hopeless failure, you're an intelligent young woman who wants to do some interesting, sensible, good things with her life (including raising a family and all that jazz) and unhappily your past education and life experience hasn't helped you too much to acquire the skills you need to find out what constitutes "good" and "interesting" for you, yourself. That doesn't make *you* a failure, it just means you are part of the 95% of the population who aren't born with a striking and socially-acceptable vocation or calling, and you have to work harder than the lucky/cursed 5%. Things will get better, anyway, because as your other friends have said it is in the nature of things to change of themselves, anyway.

Did you get a chance to get those B vitamins at all?

xx
j4 From: j4 Date: January 17th, 2004 12:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: giving it all up

Be happy with the small things that come to you.

I don't know how to respond to "Be happy" when it's voiced as an order. If I'm not happy, then I'm not happy. I can't force myself to be happy with something that makes me miserable. I'm not saying that only one thing in the world can make me happy -- but I'm certainly not happy with where I am at the moment.

And things like this:

Believe me, lots of people manage to have a good life just by accepting that they can't depend on their plans or envisionings, and living, making the most of what they do have, from day to day.

only serve to make me feel desperately guilty for not feeling happy. After all, my superiors tell me that I must be happy and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life: what kind of hopeless failure must I be if I can't even manage that much? I might as well just bow out and let a worthwhile human being have all the opportunities that I'm wasting.
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