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Houston, we have a problem... - shadows of echoes of memories of songs
j4
j4
Houston, we have a problem...
This is driving me insane. I can't phone him; I send emails and never get any replies; we've had a few ytalk conversations but now ytalk doesn't work any more, and he's not replying to SMS.

He said he felt like the network connection to his computer in Cambridge was his last link with Cambridge; and now that's basically gone. I didn't think the network connection was that important, I thought there was more to the relationship than a couple of pieces of cat5, but now that it's gone I feel like he's drifting further and further away from me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I just wish I could be his link to Cambridge, if he wants a link to the bloody place. I know I'm just as flaky as his "eccentric" hardware, but I'd like to think that I'm easier to talk to, and at least I'm not relying on ntl: for my ability to communicate.

I really need to talk to him, and there's no way I can do so. I'm not asking him to drop everything to talk to me, but I do wish he could commit to "Will email you this afternoon barring unforeseen emergencies", or even just "Busy with kids, will email you when they have grown up & left home", or something like that. Something that would allow me to just switch off and stop hoping for something that's not going to happen, at least in the short-term. I feel like I'm falling apart, I feel like the relationship is falling apart, and all I can do is sit here and watch.

I know the patchy communication isn't his fault -- some of it is just the technology not working, and the rest, well, he's busy, and he has a whole life up there that I'm never going to be part of -- but it still hurts.

He doesn't seem to read LJ any more (yet another avenue of communication closed...) so hopefully this won't count as pestering him even more. <sigh>

Update: And now he has emailed, and he's said all the things that I really needed him to say, and he's managed not to lose his temper with me despite the fact that I nearly buried him under a ton of 'argh pls email me now'-type messages. I feel a lot better about the things I was worrying about ... though now I feel guilty for whinging in public when he's doing his best with a difficult situation.

I really need to sort myself out, don't I. :-(

Current Mood: despairing

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Comments
julietk From: julietk Date: November 10th, 2003 05:53 am (UTC) (Link)
Um - for my money, & hopefully this won't get me into trouble, his behaviour as described qualifies as "being a git".

If email/etc is difficult (for whatever technical reasons), then there's phones. If mobile reception is dodgy, then there are still landlines, or even phone boxes at a push. And I simply don't believe that *anyone* is so busy that they can't spare 5 minutes in a day to phone their girlfriend (& I get the impression from the above that you'd be OK if it could only be 5 min, if you *knew* that & he *did* manage to do it regularly).

If you know that your partner needs to keep in touch, & you regularly fail to do so without some really *impressive* sorts of extenuating circumstances, that qualifies as treating them badly. IMO, insert disclaimer here, etc. But if I were you, I'd be kicking up shit about this. Communication is a pretty basic requirement for a relationship, & he really needs to sort this out.

[hugs] & such, as well, love. I know that doesn't help much, but...
j4 From: j4 Date: November 10th, 2003 06:11 am (UTC) (Link)
BTW he has emailed me now, which is Good, and he has also said all the right things, which is Even Better.

I really don't think he is a git, and I now feel very guilty if I've made him look like one, because I do believe that he's doing his best with a horribly awkward situation. But that doesn't always make it any easier to deal with it.

I think the problem is that when I need reassurance/hugs/etc. *now* I really need them *NOW*, and (because of all the other commitments he's juggling) he can't always just drop everything and do things *now*. Which I do know, really, and do accept, but when I'm feeling weepy and ill and miserable it doesn't always get through to my subconscious, and I end up getting really paranoid and insecure and, and, and. And that's partly my fault for being needy and clingy, and I think I need to sort that out.

I think we do need to sort out what amount of communication (and when) is 'expected', 'reasonable', 'allowable in exceptional circs', etc., though, and I have suggested that by email.

If email/etc is difficult (for whatever technical reasons), then there's phones. If mobile reception is dodgy, then there are still landlines

Except he can't phone me (even from mobile, much less from landline) easily because his wife is there. :-( Besides, he doesn't do phone-conversation very well, and nor do I, and we'd just end up getting into hideous misunderstandings and stuff. I really honestly do think that written communication is the best type of long-distance communication for us if we can get it working.

<sigh> I just wish it was a bit easier.

Thank you for the hugs and stuff though; it does help. *hugs*
From: tamsinj Date: November 10th, 2003 06:16 am (UTC) (Link)
glad you got a ping. i know what it can feel like.

though i find written communication worse - at least if there's anything important to be mis-interpreted.. because there's so much more of a fretting gap between the mis-interpret and the correction.
t.
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j4 From: j4 Date: November 10th, 2003 07:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Perhaps I'm just not up to what's expected of me.

You are. You manage a whole lot better with my neuroses than anybody could reasonably be expected to. I was ill and stressed and unhappy, and reacting unfairly as a result; and I've said that both in private and in public now, and I've apologised, and I'll apologise again. I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology?
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j4 From: j4 Date: November 10th, 2003 08:06 am (UTC) (Link)
<holds you really tightly and tries not to cry>
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