He said he felt like the network connection to his computer in Cambridge was his last link with Cambridge; and now that's basically gone. I didn't think the network connection was that important, I thought there was more to the relationship than a couple of pieces of cat5, but now that it's gone I feel like he's drifting further and further away from me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I just wish I could be his link to Cambridge, if he wants a link to the bloody place. I know I'm just as flaky as his "eccentric" hardware, but I'd like to think that I'm easier to talk to, and at least I'm not relying on ntl: for my ability to communicate.
I really need to talk to him, and there's no way I can do so. I'm not asking him to drop everything to talk to me, but I do wish he could commit to "Will email you this afternoon barring unforeseen emergencies", or even just "Busy with kids, will email you when they have grown up & left home", or something like that. Something that would allow me to just switch off and stop hoping for something that's not going to happen, at least in the short-term. I feel like I'm falling apart, I feel like the relationship is falling apart, and all I can do is sit here and watch.
I know the patchy communication isn't his fault -- some of it is just the technology not working, and the rest, well, he's busy, and he has a whole life up there that I'm never going to be part of -- but it still hurts.
He doesn't seem to read LJ any more (yet another avenue of communication closed...) so hopefully this won't count as pestering him even more. <sigh>
Update: And now he has emailed, and he's said all the things that I really needed him to say, and he's managed not to lose his temper with me despite the fact that I nearly buried him under a ton of 'argh pls email me now'-type messages. I feel a lot better about the things I was worrying about ... though now I feel guilty for whinging in public when he's doing his best with a difficult situation.
I really need to sort myself out, don't I. :-(