Janet (j4) wrote,
Janet
j4

Out among the walking wounded...

I feel detached from my body.


I walked along the corridor at work and felt as if somebody else was walking with my legs. My brain knows that they're my legs, and that I'm walking, but the walkingness -- the consciousness-of-walking-as-associated-with-act-of-walking -- seems very far away from the consciousness that I perceive as myself. The only way I can describe it is to reiterate that it feels as though somebody else is acting my actions.

As I was making coffee earlier, I accidentally splashed hot water on the back of my hand. Instead of the instinctive avoid-pain reaction, all I got was a vague consciousness that I could feel something very hot, immediately followed by a thought along the lines of "That's interesting, I wonder what happens if I let that water stay on that hand?" (Nothing much. Hand stayed a bit red for a while.)

I sleep badly. I start waking up and for several seconds I'm conscious that I'm lying there asleep-but-waking-up; I can't see myself sleeping, but I can watch my dreams from the point of view of a waking person until finally awakeness overcomes me. My recurring anxiety dream about being late for work is, more and more, filled with references to itself. Last night I dreamt that I was supposed to be going back to work (having been off sick yesterday and Friday) and it got to 10:20am and I still hadn't got there, and in the dream I said to sion_a "this is just like those anxiety dreams that I keep having about being late for work". I wake up so many times in the middle of the night that I start to wonder if I really am waking up all those times, or just dreaming it; because surely if I was waking up every time I'd be even more shattered than I already am.

When I'm awake I wonder if I'm actually dreaming. This kind of worry is very much like the kind of worry that I have in dreams. I want a t-shirt that says "This is just like a dream I had." Tonight I will probably dream about wearing such a thing.

This bodily dissociation seems to have been accompanied by confirmed sightings of my libido (thought missing), and even actual contact with it. The first time I typed that last sentence I started it with "Bizarrely," but then realised that it wasn't really all that bizarre at all. A lot of my most intense sexual experiences have made me feel as though I'm somehow outside my bodily self, and a lot of my fantasies involve at least some degree of objectification, the separation of my whole-person self from my actions (either those that I do or those that are done to me) -- if you see what I mean. So perhaps some low-level bit of my brain associates that feeling of dissociation with arousal.

To go off on a bit of a tangent, I found myself accidentally (ahem) reading the stories at http://www.femgeeks.net/infamy/stories.htm at work this morning. Must not read slash at work, even if it is computer-related ("Pirates of Silicon Valley" slash, so we're talking Bill Gates & Steve Jobs... hmmm.) Surprisingly, ah, interesting. I don't know why, but gay (male) pr0n -- provided it's well-written, which these ones definitely are -- seems to more consistently work for me than other orientations. Given that most slash seems to be written by women, though, I doubt if I'm all that unusual in this.


Anyway, enough wibbling. I want to leave the office before 6pm today, I really do. <sigh> Hopefully will be able to relax a bit at the pub tonight, at least.
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