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 j4 | |
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I feel detached from my body. I walked along the corridor at work and felt as if somebody else was walking with my legs. My brain knows that they're my legs, and that I'm walking, but the walkingness -- the consciousness-of-walking-as-associated-w ith-act-of-walking -- seems very far away from the consciousness that I perceive as myself. The only way I can describe it is to reiterate that it feels as though somebody else is acting my actions. As I was making coffee earlier, I accidentally splashed hot water on the back of my hand. Instead of the instinctive avoid-pain reaction, all I got was a vague consciousness that I could feel something very hot, immediately followed by a thought along the lines of "That's interesting, I wonder what happens if I let that water stay on that hand?" (Nothing much. Hand stayed a bit red for a while.) I sleep badly. I start waking up and for several seconds I'm conscious that I'm lying there asleep-but-waking-up; I can't see myself sleeping, but I can watch my dreams from the point of view of a waking person until finally awakeness overcomes me. My recurring anxiety dream about being late for work is, more and more, filled with references to itself. Last night I dreamt that I was supposed to be going back to work (having been off sick yesterday and Friday) and it got to 10:20am and I still hadn't got there, and in the dream I said to sion_a "this is just like those anxiety dreams that I keep having about being late for work". I wake up so many times in the middle of the night that I start to wonder if I really am waking up all those times, or just dreaming it; because surely if I was waking up every time I'd be even more shattered than I already am. When I'm awake I wonder if I'm actually dreaming. This kind of worry is very much like the kind of worry that I have in dreams. I want a t-shirt that says "This is just like a dream I had." Tonight I will probably dream about wearing such a thing. This bodily dissociation seems to have been accompanied by confirmed sightings of my libido (thought missing), and even actual contact with it. The first time I typed that last sentence I started it with "Bizarrely," but then realised that it wasn't really all that bizarre at all. A lot of my most intense sexual experiences have made me feel as though I'm somehow outside my bodily self, and a lot of my fantasies involve at least some degree of objectification, the separation of my whole-person self from my actions (either those that I do or those that are done to me) -- if you see what I mean. So perhaps some low-level bit of my brain associates that feeling of dissociation with arousal. To go off on a bit of a tangent, I found myself accidentally (ahem) reading the stories at http://www.femgeeks.net/infamy/stories.htm at work this morning. Must not read slash at work, even if it is computer-related ("Pirates of Silicon Valley" slash, so we're talking Bill Gates & Steve Jobs... hmmm.) Surprisingly, ah, interesting. I don't know why, but gay (male) pr0n -- provided it's well-written, which these ones definitely are -- seems to more consistently work for me than other orientations. Given that most slash seems to be written by women, though, I doubt if I'm all that unusual in this. Anyway, enough wibbling. I want to leave the office before 6pm today, I really do. <sigh> Hopefully will be able to relax a bit at the pub tonight, at least.
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From: j4 |
Date:
January 22nd, 2003 08:17 am (UTC)
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a bad atmosphere is created where its quite hard to do anything without feeling really lethargic, depressed or disconnected from relatity.
I'm impressed that I even managed to get LJ::Simple written at all, along with some playing with the perl Gtk module and some XML stuff
Good grief. If that's the amount of stuff you get done when you're feeling lethargic and depressed, then when you're feeling 100% you must be absolutely superhuman!
I count it as a productive day if I manage to catch up with a couple of emails or a newsgroup. Basically anything where I don't spend more than a couple of hours staring blankly at the screen or just eating packetfuls of biscuits to fend off boredom is a "good" day, comparatively. Sometimes I even manage to read an article or something on the web, and then I feel like I might actually be turning back into a functional human being again. It doesn't usually last for long, though.
This afternoon I'd estimate that I've spent at least an hour just flicking between different windows on my desktop. There isn't a column for that on my timesheet. Sometimes I get up and go to the loo when I don't really need to, just because it's something to do.
I suspect I wouldn't feel half so useless if I "wasted" all those spare moments writing software that I could actually release to other people. Or maybe I'd be up there with all the rest of the geeks, going "Oh, I'm such a failure, I've only written one new mail client this week, and I've barely even written 2/3 of the new programming language I've invented."
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From: j4 |
Date:
January 23rd, 2003 02:00 am (UTC)
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don't forget that I had around 4 months of time to play with to do that stuff.
So far I've had about a year (maybe more -- I lose count, the days are all the same) of having very, very little work to do. In that time I've managed to do absolutely nothing.
When I was at WorldCom I'd waste vast amounts of time in a loop which went something like: work email -> personal email -> news -> slashdot -> the register -> LJ friends -> LJ friends of friends. That sort of loop can chew up hours.
Yeah, so far I've managed to get it to chew up, ooh, about a year. Easily more than a year, actually, because even when I had some work to do I was wasting some time on that kind of thing.
Anyway, didn't you say that its hard for you to develop stuff at work given the environment you're in ?
Well, um, it's hard for me to "develop stuff" given the fact that I'm not a bloody programmer. The environment doesn't really make any difference. I have text editors and a unix account here -- should be enough, shouldn't it? Most of the people I know would have written a new operating system or two by now.
I don't really want to talk about this any more. It's just making me more and more depressed.
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From: j4 |
Date:
January 23rd, 2003 03:16 am (UTC)
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Too skeptical to believe there might be truth therein, I fear, or to make the serious efforts involved. I'm not even sure about hypnotism or neuro-linguistic programming and I think there's some fairly convincing scientific evidence behind their principles.
Ah, I kind of default to passive belief in everything.
Passive belief -- I think I need to explain this a bit better. I'm happy to believe that the weirdest things might be true. From the almost-credible stuff like hypnotism and reflexology to stuff like ghosts, and the healing power of crystals, and ley-lines, and all that jazz. But I don't act on that belief. On a day-to-day basis it makes no difference to me whether I believe it or not. To be honest, it makes very little practical difference to me whether it's true or not, let alone whether I believe it. Hence "passive belief", as opposed to "active belief", beliefs which change the way you live. (E.g. every day I act on the belief that there's some kind of point to life, even if it's a self-made point, because otherwise I'd just stay in bed, or curl up and wait to die.)
So I'm happy to passively believe (or, if you prefer, not actively disbelieve) in pretty much anything for which I have no conclusive proof either way. Whether I can be bothered to investigate it further or not is another matter. In general I don't have time to chase all the will-o'-the-wisps that might look like they're leading somewhere interesting. Sometimes I wish I had the time; mostly it's probably just as well that I don't, or I'd never get anything sensible/useful done! :)
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From: j4 |
Date:
January 24th, 2003 02:33 am (UTC)
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If y'don't mind me asking, how does this tie in with your views on religion and the religious traditions that contradict each other in the world?Don't mind you asking at all. Basically, I'm prepared to believe that some, all, none or fewer of the religions in the world are "true". Religious traditions are a different matter -- I think they're essentially man-made, though it's possible that the men who made them were privy to inside knowledge of the divine. That's a bit waffly and vague, isn't it. Hm. I'll think about it some more. I have a vague recollection (fx: checks interests list for confirmation) that you were a practicing Christian while you were at Oxford and for all I know you may still be.I was. I'm not now. I'm honestly not sure what I believe any more. It's difficult to separate out my religious beliefs (such as they are) from my feelings about the Christian church, which are still strong enough (and bitter enough) to cloud my judgement a lot more than I'd like. Maybe when the mental scars have healed over a bit more I'll be in a position to think about it more clearly. Basically the problem is that it's very hard to separate out a religion from its followers. I believe that there may be more there than just cultural, traditional, human phenomena; on the other hand, I suspect that these phenomena may be as strong in themselves as (we'd like to believe that) a deity should be. Maybe we're all merely worshipping ourselves, or aspects of ourselves. Maybe that isn't a bad thing. I'm sorry this is such a handwavey response. It's a serious issue, and one that I do think about, and one that I need to think about more. (Whatever I do or don't believe at any one time, I always believe that it's important -- "Does God exist?" is a question that I can't answer, but "Does it matter?" is easy.) Since I can't explain the logic, I'll let someone else describe the feelings better than I could: "Because I know that time is always time And place is always and only place And what is actual is actual only for one time And only for one place I rejoice that things are as they are and I renounce the blessed face And renounce the voice Because I cannot hope to turn again Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something Upon which to rejoice And pray to God to have mercy upon us And pray that I may forget These matters that with myself I too much discuss Too much explain Because I do not hope to turn again Let these words answer For what is done, not to be done again May the judgement not be too heavy upon us" (T. S. Eliot, Ash Wednesday)
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