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A few questions of etiquette - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
A few questions of etiquette
How do you explain to somebody that other people get hurt too, when they appear to experience selfhood as an island of victimised perfection in a sea of irrelevance and stupidity?

Is it okay to break a confidence if somebody's only asking you to keep it secret so that they can carry on manipulating you while simultaneously preventing you from asking your friends for support?

How do you tell somebody politely "Please stop fucking up the lives of my friends"?

Current Mood: angry

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Comments
reddragdiva From: reddragdiva Date: September 23rd, 2003 03:35 am (UTC) (Link)
"Is it okay to break a confidence if somebody's only asking you to keep it secret so that they can carry on manipulating you while simultaneously preventing you from asking your friends for support?"

Is this a question?
j4 From: j4 Date: September 23rd, 2003 03:44 am (UTC) (Link)
Are we playing Questions?

But seriously... It's obvious from the question what I believe the answer to be. But it's equally obvious IMO that the people who say "You mustn't tell anybody else what I've said" are relying on the fact that some people -- maybe even most people -- regard "secrets" and "confidences" as sacrosanct.
karen2205 From: karen2205 Date: September 23rd, 2003 04:37 am (UTC) (Link)
FWIW, I'm with you. Secrets are not sacroscant. There are always times when it's right to breach someone's confidence - including when your trust has been broken.
From: (Anonymous) Date: September 23rd, 2003 06:50 am (UTC) (Link)
1) Not your problem.
2) Absofuckinglutely.
3) Not politely.
j4 From: j4 Date: September 23rd, 2003 07:03 am (UTC) (Link)
1) Not your problem.

Well, not in the abstract, no; but it becomes my problem when the way they act (as a result of their self-absorption) affects me and mine. In general I'd rather educate than annihilate; I'd rather get people to understand what they're doing, and give them the opportunity to change. If they understand but then carry on regardless, then that's a different matter; then I may well attribute to malice what I could formerly put explain as stupidity.

3) Not politely.

Yeah, that'd be my feeling, too. The problem is, if you tell people something like that impolitely, they can then accuse you of victimising them.

Tricky, huh?

(Who are you, btw?)
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: September 23rd, 2003 06:57 am (UTC) (Link)
1) short sharp shocks are the only way I've ever known work, and even they don't often do it.

2) yes, without a shadow of a doubt. Keeping confidences matters, but if people are using that in bad faith, the obligation to good faith on your behalf goes away.

3) is politeness really necessary here ?
j4 From: j4 Date: September 23rd, 2003 07:08 am (UTC) (Link)
1) Ah. So it's more or less a lost cause, then?

2) Thank you. I'm reassured to know that you agree with me. I trust your judgement on matters like this.

3. See response to Someone, above -- some degree of politeness is indicated for the sake of self-preservation.

On a more frivolous note, I love the user-icon. :)
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: September 23rd, 2003 07:19 am (UTC) (Link)
1) Ah. So it's more or less a lost cause, then?

Not knowing the specific situation, I can't say. By comparison with most people I do seem to be rather optimistic on this.

2) Thank you. I'm reassured to know that you agree with me. I trust your judgement on matters like this.

My judgement on matters like this is way the heck situation-dependent; would be happy to take this to mail if it would be any use to you.

And thank you. *hug* For several reasons, not all of which are easy to fit in words and not all of which are suitable for posting, that thought is really good for me.

3. See response to Someone, above -- some degree of politeness is indicated for the sake of self-preservation.

Retaining the moral high ground, in that sense, is not always and necessarily compatible with either being right or getting a message across. Sometimes these are greater virtues. Again, situational.

On a more frivolous note, I love the user-icon.

Thought you might.
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