Janet (j4) wrote,
Janet
j4

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Relationship lemming


What is your current relationship status?
One partner.

What is your sexual orientation (if you don’t mind me asking)?
I'm bi, and I don't mind you (or anybody else really) asking.

What character traits do you look for in a potential interest?
Okay, for a start I don't really get this whole "potential interest" thing. I don't look around a (metaphorical or literal) roomful of people and think "Hm, which of these people might be suitable candidates for a relationship?" -- if I like somebody I'll talk to them & get to know them, and things progress (or not) from there.

If I were out hunting for people to have relationships with -- or indeed for friends -- then above all I think I'd be looking for people I could talk to. In practice that probably means intelligent, clueful people who read books, listen to music, have interesting ideas about things, and aren't easily shocked.

What sort of people do you like, as far as what they’re interested in in life?

Oh, okay, er, see above.

Just being interested in lots of different things helps make people interesting, and if they're interesting I'm more likely to like them. I like people who want to learn things, and do things, and see things, and go places.

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
Um, I don't. Cuteness isn't much to do with the "interest" part.

What kind of fashion-sense attracts you?
"'Fashion' is for people who don't know who they are."

If you mean what kind of clothes ... hmmm. I suppose I do gravitate towards people who dress in a more 'alternative' way; and if someone's wearing something really amazing/bizarre/different/interesting (or a t-shirt for a band I like, etc.) it does tend to catch my eye. Interesting clothes also help as a conversation-opener; although "Nice boots" is wearing a bit thin...

By the way, when I say 'alternative', I don't just mean goth/punk/cyber/etc. Boringness within the context of an alternative subculture is just as boring as mainstream boringness.

Essentially, though, it doesn't really matter. Interesting clothes may catch my eye but they won't hold my interest beyond the small-talk stage; and bad dress sense won't put me off someone if they're otherwise interesting. Though I guess it'd be a bit offputting if they were wearing something really rank and smelly, or covered in food-stains, etc.

What kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate?
Hair that suits them.

What is the usual age range you look at?
So long as they're old enough to have an interesting conversation with me, I'll talk to them, & we'll see how things progress from there. I'd be wary about getting involved with somebody who was a lot younger than me -- say under 18? -- because I think there's a lot of potential for messy imbalances in the relationship, but I don't have a moral issue with it or any kind of emotional aversion to it. In practice it's quite unlikely to become an issue, just because of the social circles I tend to move in.

At the other end of the scale, I don't really believe in "too old". Basically emotional age is more important than chronological age; I've known plenty of 30somethings who weren't emotionally mature enough for me to want to have a relationship with them; and I don't think people ever get too old to be interesting -- if anything they get more interesting.

Just for the hell of it, biggest age-gaps so far [relative to the age I was at the time]:
one partner 4 years younger
one partner 14 years older
one person-I-slept-with [NOT a relationship] 22 years older.

What traits turn you off?
Not sure whether this means sexually or socially...

Wilful ignorance makes me lose interest in people. Arrogance can be a sexual turn-on, but tends to be a social turn-off, at least after a while. Also BORINGNESS, in all its myriad shades of beige, is a social and sexual turn-off.

Do you prefer to date various people, or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
What does 'date' mean?

I do tend to get serious about people fairly quickly, but that a) doesn't stop me fancying other people, and b) doesn't necessarily stop me doing anything about it. I like having lots of people around, and I like being able to be physically affectionate with people I care about.

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates?
I don't know what this means. I'm not afraid to tell people I'm socially/romantically/sexually interested in them.

Single life



If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
N/A.

What are the positive points about being single?
I can't think of any positive effects which could only be achieved through singleness. I can think of lots of vague and woolly things like "freedom to do your own thing", but in a good relationship that freedom should be available if one/both/all partners want or need it. But then what would I know? -- I don't think I've been properly single for more than a month or so since I was about 14.

I wish I had more experience of it, really; but it seems wilfully masochistic to avoid relationships (much less end ones which are working) just to experience singleness. And I-want-to-be-in-a-relationship-but-I'm-making-myself-avoid-it singleness is probably a very different thing from I'm-just-not-going-out-with-anybody-at-the-moment singleness. I do think singleness might give me more space to figure out who I am without reference to other people. On the other hand... who am I kidding? I don't live in a social vacuum, and have no wish to do so; and "who I am" is probably as much affected by my friends and family as by my partner(s).

What are the negative points about being single?
I can't think of any negative things which could only happen as a result of being single.

When single, do you often find youself longing for companionship?
Hey, what happened to all my friends? Did they all desert me when I became hypothetically single?

How well do you handle rejection?
Depends. Usually badly.

("Rejection" is not the same thing as a relationship ending / not starting, though they can overlap.)

Do you miss your last sweetie?
Sweeties are things like licquorice allsorts and aniseed balls and barley sugars, and I don't miss them, because I STILL EAT THEM.

Do you think it’s better to look for love, or let it find you?
I don't think one strategy is "better" than the other. Though I do think if you look too hard there's a risk that you end up making yourself miserable.

If you’re currently in a relationship right now, how long have you been in it?
About 5 months.

What’s the longest relationship you’ve been in?
<sigh> 3½ years.

The shortest?
God, I don't know. Probably a day, or something stupid like that, when I was about 13. It becomes a bit meaningless at that end of the scale. When does a relationship become a relationship?

Do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together, or space things out a tad?
I think couples should communicate and come to an arrangement that suits them.

Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment?
Yes. In all possible directions (too committed, not committed enough, committed in the wrong directions, worrying that I worry too much about commitment; rinse, repeat).

When involved, do you try to think about the here and now or do you often think of the future?
Yes.

I probably think too much about the future; there's a fine line between hitching your wagon to a star and putting the cart before the horse. (Don't mix metaphors mid-stream.)

How do you prefer to handle disagreements?
I prefer to talk rationally and calmly about things until a happy compromise can be reached. Unfortunately in practice I end up screaming like a fishwife, throwing furniture, and bursting into tears. ... Oh, okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration. Generally, talking about things sensibly is more useful in the long term; but occasionally shouting seems to be the only way to get the message through.

How do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won’t tell you why?
You know, I don't think this has really happened to me. I wouldn't have much time for someone who was obviously cross with me but refused to explain why -- what do they think it's going to achieve? What do they expect me to do? (If they can't explain why, that's different; that may well make me frustrated and upset and stressed, but I'll keep on trying to sort things out.)

Do you have a crush right now? Do they know?
I don't think I do, actually.

What’s the longest period of time you’ve ever had a crush?
Oooh, ages. Years and years. I had a crush on a girl at school for about 4 years; and I've only fairly recently got over my crush on my sixth-form English teacher.

Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?
Yep.

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
Usually. I'm not very good at keeping secrets. :-) I didn't tell lots of people when I had a crush on my English teacher, but it was bloody obvious to anybody with half an eye.

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Yes.

How do you feel about long-distance relationships?
I think they require a lot of work. I'd do it if I had to, but I'd prefer not to have to.

Have you ever pined for someone when you're not around them?
God, yes. Sometimes when they're only gone for a couple of hours. (Dependent, me?)

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
I already am involved with someone who has two children, though the children aren't living with him, and they don't even know I exist at the moment. It still makes a difference, though.

I'd certainly be careful about getting involved with somebody who already had a child (or children), but only because there's so much more potential for people (including people who didn't necessarily have any say in the relationship) to get hurt.

What would you do if you got pregnant/made her pregnant while in a relationship?
If I made her pregnant while in a relationship, I'd be bloody surprised.

If I got pregnant now, I'd be simultaneously delighted and terrified. It'd be an accident, and really I'd prefer to have children with more planning! On the other hand, given how much I want children, I don't think I could bear to have an abortion. Is that selfish of me? -- I mean, I'm not in a terribly good situation financially, and I'd feel like I was putting pressure on my partner to support me+baby just because I want children. ... I don't know.

Would you get involved with someone if they were previously married?
Good heavens, yes. Or even if they were married at the time.

Though I wouldn't want to get involved with somebody who was still in a supposedly-working relationship, without the knowledge/consent of their other partner(s).

How big of an issue is your mate's morals, to your compatibility?
Well, I have very few (if any) morals that aren't situationally determined, so if they have very strong absolute morals that might be problematic. And obviously if they think the things I do are Evil and Bad and Wrong then that's not going to make for harmony between us.

In general, though, differences in morals don't equate to instant incompatibility. I just want people to be clueful and tolerant and willing to have their morals questioned. (I question everything.)

Oh, and hypocrisy makes me cross. If people make their moral code clearly known then I expect them to at least try to stick to it.

How big of an issue is your political beliefs to your compatibility?
Same as for morals, really. At least, within a "normal" spectrum of political beliefs. I'm not very politically-minded, though, so they might just end up boring me if they talk about nothing but politics.

How big of an issue is religion to your compatibility?
Hmmm. A lot of this overlaps with morals. I don't have a problem with people being religious (and/or having strong beliefs/faith) per se, but I suspect there would be a lot of points where we'd just have to agree to disagree. It's only really a big issue if they make it one, to be honest. Again, though, being willing to question things and have things questioned is essential; and I think I'd find it very difficult to interact with somebody who took their religion so seriously that they were instantly offended by the merest hint of a joke about it.

How big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity?
Not an issue.

In a potential mate, how important is conversation to you?
Supremely. Enormously. REALLY VERY VERY IMPORTANT.

In a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you?
Very important.

In a potential mate, how important is sense of humo[u]r to you?
Pretty important.

In a potential mate, how important is understanding to you?
Understanding what? Understanding me? Or me understanding them? Or what? (Understanding stupid questions in LiveJournal quizzes?) I think trying to understand is important -- like I said, I don't have much time for the wilfully ignorant.

In a potential mate, how important is forgiveness to you?
I think forgiveness is important in all interactions, not just capital-R relationships or "potential mates".

What makes your heart flutter, and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
What a weird question. ... Well-chosen words, usually.

Makin' out



What was your first kiss like?
Sweet. I had a huge crush on the boy in question, & he seemed to know what was supposed to happen with the tongues and everything, and our noses didn't get in the way like I'd feared they would, and it made me feel all warm and squooshy inside.

What parts of a person's body do you find most attractive?
All of them!

What’s the first thing you look at when you look at someone you’re attracted to?
Their bank balance. Heheheh. ... Only kidding.

I don't understand this question. I look at them. All of them. Concentrating on different bits depends on the context.

How important is the looks of a mate’s face to you?
Eh? If you mean "How important is it that they have a classically beautiful face", not in the slightest. But how-they-look is part of who-they-are. Their face is what's most likely to come to mind when I think about them.

How important is the looks of a mate's body to you?
<shrug> It's part of who they are. I don't choose people on the basis of looks, but I can't help being aware of their looks. And aesthetic appreciation of bodies is a different thing from liking/loving people.

This sort of question really irritates me. It's the sort of question where you end up saying nothing because it's so hard to say anything without feeling you have to qualify it. It makes me want to just say "Well, you know, I couldn't love someone really minging, could I?" Which isn't true, but I'd love to see what the reaction was.

When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it, or the other?
Er. I don't know. It's usually a sort of mutual oh-look-we-appear-to-be-kissing-how-on-earth-did-that-happen thing.

When you are about to kiss someone for the first time, do you generally feel calm, or are you nervous?
I don't generally feel nervous; I'm not sure "calm" is the right word, though. Happy, usually. Aroused, sometimes. Drunk, frequently.

Can you generally tell when the time is right for a first kiss to happen with your object of interest?
If we're kissing each other, it's probably the right time.

What's your favorite places to be touched?
Back of neck. Insides of arms & wrists. Breasts. Bottom. ... Though it really depends who's doing the touching, and how, and why, and how I'm feeling at the time.

What are your favorite places to touch?
As above. I like other people's stomachs and inner thighs, too, but I'm very ticklish on mine so I don't always want people touching them.

What are your favorite places to be kissed?
Eyelids. Wrists. Neck. Lips. "Lips", heh heh.

What are your favorite places to kiss?
Everywhere! I can't think of anywhere I don't like kissing.

Do you prefer long sensual kisses or shorter pecks?
Both!

Have you ever kissed someone you longed for?
Yes.

How did that make you feel?
What kind of a daft question is that?

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?
Yes.

Were you single at the time?
Probably not.

What are your ticklish areas?
Gah, too many of them. Stomach and soles of feet are the worst, but thighs get tickly quite easily, and front of neck / under chin likewise. Accidental triggering of ticklishness makes me twitchy & cross, but I try not to get too cross because I know it's not deliberate. Deliberate tickling makes me hit people. I really, really, REALLY hate being tickled, and I warn everybody about this, so they have no excuse.

What are your turn-offs?
Haven't we had this question? Or do we mean specifically in a sexual context this time?

Inconsiderateness turns me off. And babyish cuteness turns me off, sometimes; I find it hard to feel like a sexual adult when making kitten-noises.

What do you most like about making out?
Huh? That's another weird question. I can't think of an answer.

Sex



Are you a virgin?
Oh, come on.

If not, would you consider your first time to have been a good one?
Well, it was his first time as well, & we loved each other (or at least thought we did) and wanted to try to please each other. On the other hand, it was a bit scary, and it hurt. I don't think it was bad. And we practiced, and it got pretty damn good. :-)

How old were you when you lost your virginity?
16.

Have you ever had sex with someone you loved?
Yes.

Have you ever turned down an offer for sex?
Yes.

How much do you think sex changes a relationship?
Depends on the relationship. I don't think it's necessarily a make-or-break thing for relationships, or indeed for friendships.

Has anyone ever walked in on you during love-making?
Um, not really. People have walked in on me during fairly heavy petting, though, and that's embarrassing enough.

On a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being highest) how would you rate your sexual attractiveness?
Beauty (myth) is in the eye, the "I", the self as (m)other, of the baaaaaaaaa.

On a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being highest) how would you rate your - *ahem* - kink factor?
Mu.

Oh, go on then, if you insist:

Attractiveness: 6
Kink factor: 9

Spellcasting: 0
Weapons: sword, hands
Armour: +2 blessed corset

How do you feel about casual sex?
Define "casual".

I can't imagine having sex with somebody I had no interest in talking to ever again. The only real one-night-stand I've had was with a cute bloke who I'd have happily met up with again even if "just" as friends, but, well, neither of us bothered to get in touch.

At what level of importance does sex factor into your relationships?
Like I said, it's not make-or-break, but I can't imagine not wanting sex in a relationship.

How important is it to talk frankly about sex?
Very important. It's vital to be able to find out whether and how and where and why and why not.

Would you stay with a lover if the love stopped, but the sex was still enjoyable?
Depends. I probably wouldn't stay in a relationship with them; but then I find that the sex doesn't tend to stay enjoyable if the emotions aren't there, partly because I'm stressing about the relationship too much to enjoy the sex... so I'm not really sure.

Would you stay with a lover if the sex stopped/got boring, but there was still love?
Yes. Though I'd want to talk about why the sex had stopped / got boring, & see if there was anything we could do to fix that, and see if it was a symptom of a deeper problem, etc.

I've just realised I didn't say that I'd talk about why the love had stopped, in the previous question -- I think sex is easier to "work at" than love. If you don't love somebody you can't make yourself love them; but there's always different things to try with sex.

Do you believe in love?
Yes. I think it means different things to different people, but I think there's enough common ground that it's still a meaningful concept.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really. Lust at first sight, definitely; love at first conversation, probably.

What would it take for you to love someone?
I don't understand the question.

Has someone ever told you they loved you?
Yes, many people.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Yes, many people.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and not meant it?
No. Though I've told people I loved them and they seem to have interpreted it differently. Unstated assumptions can be a very bad thing.

Do you believe it’s necessary to express your love in words, or is just the atmosphere and feelings enough?
Words! Words! For me, anyway.

Are you a monogamous person, or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
What's an "open-ended" relationship?

I'm not very monogamous. I fall for lots of people, and in the absence of any belief that it's Fundamentally Wrong to do anything about that (assuming consent and so on), I often do things about it. I think in the right circumstances I could be mostly-monogamous.

Do you believe love can end, or do you think it never goes away, and just changes, or what?
I believe it can end, and can change, and can endure.

Marriage


Have you ever been married?
No.

How do you feel about marriage?
It's a legal contract, subject to laws as set down in yada yada yada. If people choose to give it more meaning than that, that's up to them; I don't think they should try to impose their own meaning on other people. I don't think marriage is necessary or sufficient for a successful relationship.

If you're currently not married, do you foresee yourself ever tying the knot?
<sigh> Not now, no.

Do you plan on having children some day?
<more sigh> I'd love to, but at the moment I can't see it happening.

What are your feelings on polyamory?
It's like monogamy, only with more than one person at once.

Do you feel that Bill Clinton’s extramarital affairs were really the business of everyone else in the world?
Oh, gee, I wonder what you want me to answer to this one. ("Hell, no! And I don't know how those nasty journalists can live with themselves, writing all that vulgar nonsense in all those papers that I buy and read avidly for the latest sordid details.")

Personally I don't give a flying rat-fuck about Bill Clinton's sex-life or relationships, whether he's having quiet missionary-position sex with his wife or having wild coke-fuelled orgies with hordes of hookers. It totally, utterly doesn't interest me, and I don't understand why people find it so fascinating.

Breakups



Have you ever had your heart broken?
Have you ever been dumped?
Have you ever dumped someone?
Have you ever mutually broke up with someone?
Has a romantic companion ever made you cry?
Did you cry in their presence?
Did you cry with them?
Have you ever made a romantic companion cry?
Have you ever had an emotional pain so bad it made you sick or physically hurt?

Yes.

Have you ever been unfaithful? if so, how did it make you feel?
Define "unfaithful". And why is this in the "breakups" section, eh?

(The answer's still "yes" by the usual definition, but I really hate the word, and the assumptions that appear to underlie the question.)

How did it make me feel? Guilty.

If so, did they find out?
Well, I told them.

Have you ever been cheated on?
Definitions, definitions...

For what it's worth, the betrayals that really hurt me don't tend to concern who's sticking what in whose what.

Have you ever had to end a relationship due to life changes not related to romance?
I don't think I've ever had to end a relationship due to life-changes when it was otherwise working fine; and I wouldn't want to. Most "life-changes" can be worked around if the relationship's worth saving.

Have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up?
Yeah:
Don't date fuckwits or hypocrites.

More seriously:
Don't go out with people to try to stop them being depressed.
We can still be friends.
Even if you're the one who ends the relationship, it can still hurt.

The aftermath


Have you ever gotten back together with someone after breaking up?
Yes.

Did it work?
Not in the long term, no.

Do you believe there's hope for people after they get back together, or do you think the same problems that caused the initial break-up will resurface?
For heaven's sake! It totally depends on the people, and their situation, and what caused the breakup in the first place, and all sorts of other things. I couldn't begin to generalise about this.

Have you ever broke up and remained friends afterward?
Yes.

Have you ever broke up and became bitter enemies?
Yes.

If so, did you ever make amends?
In some cases, yes. In others, no -- usually more because it'd just be too much effort for too little gain than because I still bear real grudges.

Have you ever broke up and lost touch?
Yes. But then I've lost touch with a lot of friends as well.

Have you ever got back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?
Yes, but more often accidentally than on purpose.

Were you afraid to do so?
Nah, it just kind of happened. I've never gone out of my way to chase up an old flame, as far as I can remember.

Do you ever check up on old flames (by asking mutual friends, for example), without actually contacting them?
What, you mean like watching their house all the time, or running scripts to log their movements on the net? ... Just kidding!

I do often ask mutual friends about people I've more or less lost touch with; I don't think I've ever done this purely because the person in question was an "old flame", as they've usually been friends as well at some time or other. I don't usually go out of my way to ask, though, with friends or exes; if I was enthusiastic enough to make a point of asking I'd probably have just contacted them myself by now.

If you've ever lost touch or went sour with someone who you loved, how did it make you feel?
Depends. Sometimes it's just a mutual drifting-apart; I regret those from time to time but mostly it's just "the way it is". If things go bad, that's different; it hurts, and sometimes it makes me angry.

Have you ever longed to get back together with someone?
Not really. Usually it's obvious why it ended.

Although it surely depends on specific relationships, how long does it take before you're out looking for companionship again?
Like I said above, I get "companionship" from friends as well as partners. And I don't really go "looking" for partners, as such. But I don't think people have to observe a decent period of mourning for a relationship or anything. And then sometimes (usually, recently) I'm still going out with other people when I break up with one person, so that makes the question a bit inapplicable.

Ho hum, that was boring. Still, it passed the time...
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