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Days of whine and grouses - shadows of echoes of memories of songs
j4
j4
Days of whine and grouses
If you're likely to get annoyed with me for whining, do us both a favour and look away now.

Fed up with work, both in the microcosm (things going wrong with the actual work) and the macrocosm (the job itself is fucking tedious). Fed up with feeling like this about it; I feel like I ought to be able to just put up with it and make the best of a crap job because it's probably the best I'm ever going to have. At this rate probably the only job I'm ever going to have, since when they fire me (as they inevitably will) I'll have no references as well as no experience.

Fed up with pointless arguments on email; after today's exchanges I'm almost looking forward to not being able to email at all in working hours. It might make things easier. As it is I just seem to spend the entire day feeling miserable when emails are terse and disinterested, and feeling paranoid and stressed when emails aren't forthcoming at all.

Fed up with not being able to talk about relationships, whether they're going well or not; there's no-one with whom I can share the fears and doubts, or enthuse about the good bits. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Though actually I know I'm living in a huge messy house full of broken things, and that's another thing that I'm fed up with, I don't feel at home there, I don't feel I can make it my home. I don't feel it's ever going to be the place I dreamed it was going to be.

I want to go home, and I don't know where home is. I feel like crying, but if I start I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.

Current Mood: ...

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marnameow From: marnameow Date: August 12th, 2003 09:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Work sounds horrible, and it's not surprising that you're finding it difficult and feeling trapped there. But you *will* get out and get a better job. If all else fails I'll take over the world and appoint you as Director of Shiny Things.

Random wondering: is it what you want to do, really? Would you be happier in another *sort* of job? It might be easier to change totally to something else than keep looking for something in this field.

It does sound like everything's a bit broken right now. Coud you take some time away from it to see if that gives you perspective? Or concentrate on one thing and see if you can get that working properly again? Work's probably the easiest thing to go for, there.

My cats send soothing purrs to you....
j4 From: j4 Date: August 12th, 2003 10:07 am (UTC) (Link)
If all else fails I'll take over the world and appoint you as Director of Shiny Things.

That would be brilliant. I think I'd like to be a director of shiny things.

Random wondering: is it what you want to do, really?

No, not at all. It's just what I fell into with a useless degree and no experience. Because ProQuest just wanted people with a degree and a pulse (the latter was optional, I think).

Would you be happier in another *sort* of job?

Possibly. I don't know. I don't really know what I want to do at all. I don't think I'd be unhappier, but I don't know if I'd be happier.

It might be easier to change totally to something else than keep looking for something in this field.

Unlikely -- I can't afford to go and study/retrain as something new, and given that I'm finding it hard enough to get jobs in areas where I do have experience I think I'm unlikely to have more success in areas where I don't have experience. And I just don't have the confidence to just breeze in and say "I have no experience but I am fab, give me a job". Or rather ... I don't know. I basically did do that for the job at ACRE, for the first time ever, and they said "Yay, have a job", and then said "Oh no, wait, you get ill, we don't want you any more". And the whole thing felt like it had all been a complete waste of time and effort.

What I really want to do is have BABIES. Then I would get to be not only Director of Shiny Things, but also Comforter of Kitten-like-things, and Reader of Bedtime Stories, and Fixer of Broken Things, and Player of Interesting Games, and Listener to Whinges, and Buyer of Sensible School Shoes, and Driver of Parental Taxi, and Dictator Responsible for Making People Eat Vegetables, and all sort of other great stuff.

But that's the one thing I can't really do at the moment. If ever.

It does sound like everything's a bit broken right now. Coud you take some time away from it to see if that gives you perspective?

Well, I'm going home at the weekend; not as much time away as I'd really like, but about the most I can get at the moment. That will definitely help; I get on well with my parents, and they're not all tangled up in the ridiculous soap-opera of my life, and they will feed me nice food and wine, and not make me get up early.

Or concentrate on one thing and see if you can get that working properly again? Work's probably the easiest thing to go for, there.

There's not much I can do about work at the moment. I don't know. I wish there was just one thing I could fix, but it all feels all too intertwingled; job is tied up with house is tied up with relationships is tied up with other relationships is tied up with babies is tied up with job is tied up with everything in the bloody world.

(And breathe ...)

Thank you for the soothing purrs, though. It does help.
marnameow From: marnameow Date: August 12th, 2003 10:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Unlikely -- I can't afford to go and study/retrain as something new, and given that I'm finding it hard enough to get jobs in areas where I do have experience I think I'm unlikely to have more success in areas where I don't have experience.

You have a degree in Eng Lit? One option (that you will probably shout at me for suggesting) is to teach. There are a range of train-while-you-work options available, and afaik English is in the we-need-more-teachers category. Or teach adults? I did that for a while.

No degree is *useless* - if nothing else it's proof that you're bright enough to get through college....

I basically did do that for the job at ACRE, for the first time ever, and they said "Yay, have a job", and then said "Oh no, wait, you get ill, we don't want you any more". And the whole thing felt like it had all been a complete waste of time and effort.

And you can do it again. Refusing you the job because you've been *ill* is a really stupid thing to do, and everywhere won't be like that. I know it's really off-putting, but you shouldn't let that stop you from trying something else.

Make a list of what you'd like to do, and then see if you can figure a way to worm yourself into something like that?

What I really want to do is have BABIES.

But that's the one thing I can't really do at the moment. If ever.


Eep! The thought of having that much responsibility scares me silly. I can just about cope with kittens.

Not having babies right now is probably a good idea, because you should try to get the rest of the world a bit more stable first. But would something like working with babies or children be better for your soul? (or maybe it would be worse - I don't know)

Well, I'm going home at the weekend

That should be good. Have a proper relax and destress (or as much of it as you can). You know that you're welcome to come down here for a break if you want to, as well, don't you? Take Janet-time with books and badgers and imaginary glitter when things are being too much.

I wish there was just one thing I could fix, but it all feels all too intertwingled; job is tied up with house is tied up with [....]

I know. But concentrating on fixing one aspect might make you feel a bit less pressured about everything else, and might help you feel that you're getting *somewhere* with it all. Something's got to be improvable, even if it's tiny things.

Hugs and more hugs. And further purring from the lazy lump of fur on my feet. I wish I coud do more than just throw hugs at you - let me know if I can ....
j4 From: j4 Date: August 13th, 2003 06:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Agh! I typed a comment and it was too long, and it said "Go back and shorten it" and I did and it had gone. :-( Will try again:

You have a degree in Eng Lit? One option (that you will probably shout at me for suggesting) is to teach.

No shouting, I have considered teaching, & am still sort of considering it, but I'm worried about trying to help other people learn when I don't seem to be able to learn anything myself any more. And yes there are train-while-you-work options but they're still not terribly well-paid (13K is about the maximum possible AFAICT) and they'd be utterly, totally exhausting.

No degree is *useless* - if nothing else it's proof that you're bright enough to get through college....

Not convinced. I mean, everybody has a degree now in TonyLand...

Make a list of what you'd like to do, and then see if you can figure a way to worm yourself into something like that?

The problem is, there's lots of things I sort-of-wouldn't-mind doing, but none of them that I'm passionate about; and I think I'd need to be passionate (or at least passionater than I am) about something to get up enough motivation to change type-of-job completely. I can't think of anything that I really really want to do apart from being a mummy-badger. :-( And that's not a Career Choice for the Modern Woman, see.

Eep! The thought of having that much responsibility scares me silly. I can just about cope with kittens.

I don't mind the responsibility; I like having responsibility when it's for things that I want to do & that I think are worthwhile & important.

Not having babies right now is probably a good idea, because you should try to get the rest of the world a bit more stable first.

Oh, definitely. Finances are not up to baby-bringing-up at the moment, and relationships aren't in a state where adding babies would be workable. [Disclaimer: I don't think people have to be in a relationship to have babies! Much less any specific type of relationship! But I'm already in relationships and babies would impact on them and I don't think it'd be helpful at the moment.]

But would something like working with babies or children be better for your soul? (or maybe it would be worse - I don't know)

I think it'd be worse; I think it'd just make me miserable about not being able to have kids of my own. And besides, I don't have any kind of childcare qualification, so I wouldn't be able to do it anyway. (It's funny, nobody makes people get qualifications for looking after their own kids...)

You know that you're welcome to come down here for a break if you want to, as well, don't you?

I do, and thank you for the offer; I might take you up on it at some point, but as you know getting to London is quite stressy (and costly). ARGH MONEY STRESS, etc.

Something's got to be improvable, even if it's tiny things.

I do try to improve tiny things, but it doesn't seem to make much difference, & I don't seem to have much energy for improving little things when I'm spending all my time stressing about the BIG HAIRY THINGS. Sigh. I dunno. I do feel like I'm being terribly useless at the moment, & I'm trying not to be, but I don't seem to be getting very far. :-( Sorry.

further purring from the lazy lump of fur on my feet.

That's no way to talk about the Sheep! :-P

Thank you for hugs and purring and sensible advice and stuff though. *hugs* It does help.
marnameow From: marnameow Date: August 13th, 2003 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
No shouting, I have considered teaching, & am still sort of considering it, but I'm worried about trying to help other people learn when I don't seem to be able to learn anything myself any more.

Maybe teaching would help you to learn, though? Or at least let you move into a space where you can learn. Being stuck in a soul-leaching environment like your current job cannot be helping. *I* think you'd make a great teacher. You'd be the sort of teacher that I wished I had at school.

Money/time/tired-ness wise? It might be worth checking what it would entail, exactly. There must be people to give you details somewhere. And the working very hard at something you *cared* about might be good - it might siphon off the excess Jan-energy that you're using for fretting?

I can't think of anything that I really really want to do apart from being a mummy-badger. :-( And that's not a Career Choice for the Modern Woman, see.

Screw that Career Choice crap! (and this coming from this Ms Feminist of the Year) If that's what you really want then make it your ultimate goal. But you need to do something along the way to there, and where you are now really isn't helping *anything*.

Oh, definitely. Finances are not up to baby-bringing-up at the moment, and relationships aren't in a state where adding babies would be workable.

I don't think the finances are all *that* essential. I mean, you could do the Single Mother thing and throw yourself on the mercy of the state. But that's going to benefit neither you nor the baby badgers, ultimately.

Relationships are something else again. And I think that's probably something that's going to take time to fix, whatever way it goes. (it's at this point that I want to give you hugs and hugs and hugs)

I think it'd just make me miserable about not being able to have kids of my own. And besides, I don't have any kind of childcare qualification, so I wouldn't be able to do it anyway.

I'm sure there's a way around the qualification thingie. But if it will make you more miserable, then it's not a good idea. But it's not that you *can't* have children, it's that you're choosing not to have them right now for very sensible reasons. That's muchly different.

(It's funny, nobody makes people get qualifications for looking after their own kids...)

Although sometimes I think they should....

I might take you up on it at some point, but as you know getting to London is quite stressy (and costly).

No no no! *I'm* the one with the transport stress. Do, if you think the being down here will compensate for the sstresses involved, do come. I promise to keep you away from Camden by force if needs be. ;)

I do try to improve tiny things, but it doesn't seem to make much difference, & I don't seem to have much energy for improving little things when I'm spending all my time stressing about the BIG HAIRY THINGS.

I'm not sure what I can do. Nothing, but throw you interweb huggles, really. And they're not so much good. I think if you fix a big thing, then everything else might get easier. But there are all these dependencies.... Gah! Hugs! Kittens! And you know where I live if you need to rant or talk or, anything.

That's no way to talk about the Sheep! :-P

But he's so cute when he's at my feet!
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: August 12th, 2003 11:05 am (UTC) (Link)
not only Director of Shiny Things, but also Comforter of Kitten-like-things, and Reader of Bedtime Stories, and Fixer of Broken Things, and Player of Interesting Games, and Listener to Whinges, and Buyer of Sensible School Shoes, and Driver of Parental Taxi, and Dictator Responsible for Making People Eat Vegetables, and all sort of other great stuff.
Not touching on the wider issues today (sorry honey, too tired for logical thought and reassurance, but have some hugs anyway), but I just wanted to ask if I can pinch this for my 'job description' should I ever need one?

And any time you want some space and the opportunity to do the Comforting-Kitten-Like-Things, shout and you can have a spare bed (after the beginning of Sept, since we are Being Visited pretty much constantly before that I'm afraid). You WILL be pressed into Feeding The Very Hungry Caterpillar though...
imc From: imc Date: August 12th, 2003 02:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Just as long as you don't make me eat any vegetables! :-)

Oh, and making use of the spare bed might involve being prepared to sleep in a room with a load of boxes (not that bad - I did it the other week when my parents were here). But then, that room is almost wall-to-wall books, so perhaps that's a good thing.

(Now if we were in an income bracket which allowed us to hire a nanny. . .)
j4 From: j4 Date: August 13th, 2003 07:02 am (UTC) (Link)
<grin> I don't make everybody eat vegetables. But you should eat some, you know!

Oh, and making use of the spare bed might involve being prepared to sleep in a room with a load of boxes

No probs. Done it before anyway!

(Now if we were in an income bracket which allowed us to hire a nanny. . .)

Heh. (How much do nannies get paid, JOOI?)
j4 From: j4 Date: August 13th, 2003 07:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Not touching on the wider issues today (sorry honey, too tired for logical thought and reassurance, but have some hugs anyway), but I just wanted to ask if I can pinch this for my 'job description' should I ever need one?

<grin> Of course! Huge amounts of sympathy on the tiredness front -- I know how tired I'm getting just from not being able to sleep properly in the heat, can only imagine what you must be going through... :-/

And thanks for offer of space; like I said to marnameow, will bear it in mind & am grateful for the thought, but getting places is kind of stressy (and costly). (However I will see you on Sunday!)

Oh, and I'd be delighted to feed the Very Hungry Caterpillar. :)
brrm From: brrm Date: August 12th, 2003 11:46 am (UTC) (Link)
Dictator Responsible for Making People Eat Vegetables
Eep, suddenly 77 miles feels very close. *fear*

And *hugs*, too.
aldabra From: aldabra Date: August 17th, 2003 11:43 am (UTC) (Link)
What I really want to do is have BABIES. Then I would get to be not only Director of Shiny Things, but also Comforter of Kitten-like-things, and Reader of Bedtime Stories, and Fixer of Broken Things, and Player of Interesting Games, and Listener to Whinges, and Buyer of Sensible School Shoes, and Driver of Parental Taxi, and Dictator Responsible for Making People Eat Vegetables, and all sort of other great stuff

Kathy's three next month. It's possible to read her stories now, as long as they're not to long and there aren't many words on each page (otherwise she gets agitated and turns the pages before you've finished). It's not very possible to play interesting games; she's progressed from breaking anything I make in lego before I've made it, but she still takes it away as soon as it gets interesting. I have to wait until she goes to sleep to play with the train set. And I can't even type this without her clinging to my throat whinging that it's her turn now. I mean, yes they're a Good Thing, but the effort is more unremitting than one expects. First arrange your village...
lnr From: lnr Date: August 12th, 2003 01:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
*HUGS* I wish I could be there for you to talk to about stuff, but I understand why I'm not really the right person for it now, just wish there was anyone else. I do hope the weekend away with your parents helps lots.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 13th, 2003 07:08 am (UTC) (Link)
*HUGS* I wish I could be there for you to talk to about stuff, but I understand why I'm not really the right person for it now,

I don't have a problem with talking to you about stuff (okay there's some things that might be awkward but there's lots of things that wouldn't), though I'd understand if you didn't want to. But I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, whether we Talk About Stuff or just say hello and hug and giggle about random nonsense.

*hugs*
acronym From: acronym Date: August 12th, 2003 05:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I wrote a long reply to this, but LiveJournal's database servers crashed and ate it.

However, I just want to say this;

i) People are here for you. Don't be afraid to call on us - not everyone is intertwingled with all of the above, so even if we can only help with bits, between us we can do some good.

ii) Following on from that, I know the intertwingledness feeling very well - you know what I mean, I suspect. What I found is that if I could just untangle one thread, the whole lot would start to make a lot more sense...

Be kind to yourself, Jan.

- A
j4 From: j4 Date: August 13th, 2003 07:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I wrote a long reply to this, but LiveJournal's database servers crashed and ate it.

Gah. I hate it when that happens!

People are here for you. Don't be afraid to call on us - not everyone is intertwingled with all of the above, so even if we can only help with bits, between us we can do some good.

The thing is, there really isn't very much that anybody can do to help. I know you've said in the past that there's never a situation where nobody can help, but at the moment the main problem is that I have to make decisions about what I'm doing with my life, and I either don't know what I want (and only I can really decide that) or I know what I need but I don't want to have to do it (and only I can make the decision to go ahead and do it), IYSWIM.

Comments and reassurances and hugs and stuff do help, though, & I am grateful for them (although I feel a bit guilty for "soliciting" them [even though that's not really the intention] by wibbling on LJ).

What I found is that if I could just untangle one thread, the whole lot would start to make a lot more sense...

At the moment I feel like if I untangle one thread, the whole damn jumper will unravel around my ears. :-} But you're probably right.
From: ex_monkeyhan688 Date: August 13th, 2003 12:36 am (UTC) (Link)
I read bits of a book on clutter when I was in the Oxfam shop supposedly working. It said that you have to look at every item and think "Does it boost my energy to look at it/ be around it?" If the answer's 'no', ask "Is it genuinely useful?" If the answer's 'no', ask "Well, what the hell is it doing in my house?" The book was cheesy and patronising and fond of stating the obvious, but just that little bit from it helped me fill three wastepaper-basket-sized bins and a bag for the charity shop last night, which is a big deal for me.
Aaaanyway, what I'm trying to say is that your body doesn't lie. If things/people don't boost your energy, maybe they shouldn't be in your life. It's more complicated with people, obviously, because there are times in every relationship where one person leans on the other, but.

As for wanting babies, I've had a couple of days of vomit, freeform poo and sleep deprivation, and I've decided I Don't Understand You. Of course the sick and poo was all my own, but they always say "it's different when it's your own", and they're clearly lying if they're talking about bodily fluids... I think I'm rambling now.

j4 From: j4 Date: August 13th, 2003 07:46 am (UTC) (Link)
I read bits of a book on clutter when I was in the Oxfam shop supposedly working.

Is it about "de-cluttering"? They were talking about that on Just a Minute the other day. Quack quack quack Mornington Crescent! ... but it was quite funny.

I looked at "De-Junk Your Life" once in a bookshop, but decided that if I bought it I'd just be contributing to the junk in my life. I think that taught me an important lesson.

It said that you have to look at every item and think "Does it boost my energy to look at it/ be around it?" If the answer's 'no', ask "Is it genuinely useful?" If the answer's 'no', ask "Well, what the hell is it doing in my house?"

This sounds like William Morris's advice to "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful", only updated for the energy-junkie generation. It's good advice, though, however it's phrased.

Aaaanyway, what I'm trying to say is that your body doesn't lie. If things/people don't boost your energy, maybe they shouldn't be in your life. It's more complicated with people, obviously, because there are times in every relationship where one person leans on the other, but.

That's the problem, it is more complicated with people, because there's no easy way of determining whether you're still breaking even in the long-term. And you know what it's like when you're just feeling really lethargic (and the heat PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER doesn't help, either) -- it feels like nothing "boosts your energy", with the possible exception of HARD DRUGS. Even caffeine isn't working for me any more, it's just giving me the shakes.

As for wanting babies, I've had a couple of days of vomit, freeform poo and sleep deprivation, and I've decided I Don't Understand You.

Does this mean you don't want to have my post-ironic lesbian lovechildren any more?

Y'know, though, I don't actually want the sick and poo and sleep-deprivation in and of itself. It's a means to an end. Mind you, I've had stomach pains for several weeks now, and I haven't slept properly for months, and I can't even look forward to the fact that at the end of it all I'll have a teenager who hates me and blames me for everything from the Fall of Man onwards.
k425 From: k425 Date: August 17th, 2003 07:03 am (UTC) (Link)
At a push, you have keyboarding skills and writing skills, have you thought about going temping as a secretary for a while? It can be useful just to get you out of a situation/job you're not enjoying (I speak from experience!) while still being paid.
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