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Time yet for a hundred indecisions - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
Time yet for a hundred indecisions
Quick update of what's been happening:

The Animatrix on Monday night was good. "Detective Story" was particularly effective -- wonderfully dark and scratchy animation style, a coherent standalone story, and a bit more development of the "Alice in Wonderland" theme which counterpoints The Matrix. "Kid's Story" (by the same director) was also effective. "Beyond" was excellent, probably the best standalone story (and an ending that reminded me of Alan Garner's Elidor -- I hope that isn't a spoiler for either, I don't think it should be). "The Second Renaissance (Parts I & II)" provided some good background for The Matrix, as well as some fantastic images -- the armies of robots reminded me of the marching hammers in Pink Floyd's "The Wall". "Matriculated" was a bit silly, pretty psychedelic animation but I didn't have a clue what was supposed to be going on in the story. (Though that may be partly because I was so tired by that point.) The music for all the films was really good, too; I shall have to see if there's a soundtrack album!

Visit from addedentry last night -- good to catch up after we hadn't had much time to talk at my birthday party. I introduced him to the delights of the Carlton, we listened to T. S. Eliot reading "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" (thank you again addedentry for the CD!), and he failed to be convinced about the attraction of poi.

After dropping addedentry off at the station and returning home, I decided to go back out to the Carlton for the long cool pint I hadn't been able to have earlier (because of driving); thought beer and company might cheer me up more than staying at home feeling mopey. Mixed success.

* * *

And now some unfocused musings with a side-order of angst.

* * *

Something I've been meaning to say for a while:

The Game

The first rule of the game is: There is no game.

The second rule of the game would be that you don't talk about the game, except that there is no game.

The third rule of the game is that there is no end-point to the game. Asking to conclude the game will result in incomprehension or denial, because there is no game. The game ends when it has ended.

The fourth rule of the game is that other players are considered to be insignificant, because to acknowledge "players" would acknowledge the presence of a game (see rule 1).

The fifth rule of the game is that the rules of the game may be changed at any time without prior notification and without the consent of other players. (See rule 4)

The sixth rule of the game is that there is no game.

* * *

People are strange, when you're a stranger

Some things make me furious. Other things just make me confused and saddened.

Is it presumptuous to be angry on somebody else's behalf, when they themself don't seem to be offended?

From the way some people (don't) look at me and (don't) talk to me, I feel that I am regarded as being tainted by association. If so, then I rejoice in that taintedness. I want nothing to do with cliques which are all cotton-wool on the inside, and all teeth and claws on the outside.

* * *

On relationships

I am terribly bad at ending relationships. And I have realised (while musing, à la Tempest, on wrecks) some of the reasons why.

Basically I have no clue how to say to somebody "I don't want to be involved with you any more." Or rather, I don't have a clue how to say this and make it clear that it's pretty much non-negotiable. I think at least part of the reason I find it so hard is that I don't have a strong enough sense of my own worth; I don't feel that I have a right to say "I want to end this" for no better reason than "I would be happier without this relationship". After all, to say that implies that I'm just selfishly chasing my own happiness -- whereas I should ("should") be working at making the relationship work out. Shouldn't I?

Because I don't seem to know how to call a halt -- and/or don't feel I have a right to do so -- I tend to just let the relationship slide; I get progressively more uneasy around the person in question, but daren't say anything. (The uneasiness and lack of effort probably constitute some kind of subconscious effort to make the other person become annoyed/bored/cross with me, in the hope that that they will end the relationship, thereby removing the decision from my hands.) They, meanwhile, tend not to notice my uneasiness; and I end up resenting them for carrying on with the relationship regardless -- "can't they tell I'm unhappy?" -- well, no, they can't, and I can't expect everybody to be able to read my mind.

(Always tangled in Knots. I don't want to play these games.)

To go off at a slight tangent... There seems to be a very strong feeling around here that "making relationships work" is the main point of having relationships in the first place. That it isn't a real relationship unless you're spending all your time negotiating, "working at it", trying to fix things. It's funny... when I was younger I used to believe in love. I used to believe that relationships were about spending as much time as you could with somebody because you loved them. Not about spending "quality time" with somebody because you wanted to "make things work". Is it just a difference of phraseology, or is it really a difference in attitude? I can't help thinking it's the latter.

Yes, all relationships need "working at" sometimes. But if that's all there is, what's the point? It's like owning a computer just so that you can spend all your time fixing it. ... Ah. Suddenly it becomes clear.
* * *

and the rest...
I feel detached from everything, and nearly everyone.

I feel the ebb and flow, and it does not touch me. Everything seems to be poised, waiting; waiting for the wave to break. (One with the ocean and the woman unfurled.) I feel as though I am in a dream and I know it is a dream but I cannot wake up, cannot break the spell, dare not try to force myself awake for fear of the consequences. (Till human voices wake us, and we drown.)

One hand cupped under my chin, holding my head above the water.

Six small words in answer to a question, confirming my heart's choice, drawing out the path, the parallel lines. (Every place that I have been.) I know where I want to be; I just don't know how to get there yet. The map is not yet drawn, and the boundary's undefined.

Current Mood: drained
Now playing: Kirsty MacColl, "They Don't Know"

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Comments
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: July 16th, 2003 07:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Is it presumptuous to be angry on somebody else's behalf, when they themself don't seem to be offended?
If it is, I'm guilty. I get much angrier on other people's behalf than I do on my own account. Often when it really has nothing to do with me, either. I just hate watching Person A screw over Person B, when Person B is someone I like, or admire, or Person A is someone I don't like or have reason to suspect of being a Bad Person to start with. It gets me much madder than anyone attacking me ever could.

Making things work - tricky one. Making things work when it is against all rational judgement and a brick-wall/head situation = not worth it. Making things work when it's a case of tweaking things for optimal happiness = worth it. Finding the differences and distinguishing between the two is the hard part. I see no reason for you to have to prolong something that is making you unhappy just so you can be seen to be attempting to MTW - that's like living with raging toothache just so you can continue to say "I have no fillings" or something. On the other hand, if you love someone and would be happy spending as much time as you could with somebody because you loved them if you could just sort out Small Problem A and Small Problem B (up to, say, H or I), then it would certainly be worth the effort IMO. A set of Small Problems that extended into the latter half of the alphabet might be hinting that you are around the "cut your losses" area; anything requiring use of AA is definitely a sign to stop trying to MTW.

Of course, this is all subjective and open to much interpretation. LEB and I continued trying to MTW way beyond the point that was sensible for either of us, but we were both too apathetic/crazy to notice the big flashing signs saying "bale out". OTOH, should DH do any of the things that I now realise were big warning signs with LEB, I would be far more inclined to start the MTW process, because I now have more "invested" in so doing, I am certainly far more in love with him, and it would also be so out of character for him that I would owe it to him and myself to at least find out why such things were happening.

The MTW things that we do everyday are largely working. That's luck, largely, but also proof that it can work in the right context. Take it how you wish.

Hugs.
keirf From: keirf Date: July 16th, 2003 07:44 am (UTC) (Link)

The Game

As C.P. Snow once wrote:
  1. You cannot win

  2. You cannot break even

  3. You cannot get out of the game

Okay, he was talking about the three laws of thermodynamics, but it seems to apply to pretty much everything else from where I see it.

rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: July 16th, 2003 07:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Gorwn-ups negotiate; but grown-ups don't spend more time on meta-relationship than on doing whatever the good stuff is that inspired you to have the relationship in the first place, and IME every time that's happened it's been a sign of impending doom. I'd go so far as to say, if it's climbing over 10% of the time and energy but into communication, that's a bad sign.

Also; belief that particular individuals are scheming and gaming and not telling you may well be right; belief that everybody is so doing is a damn good way of cutting off those who aren't. [ Leaving aside the question of how conscious people are of playing these games, which is a whole 'nother sack of ferrets. Unexamined assumptions of the "of course that's how the world works" variety. Which are a goodly part of why I have ended up staying socialised with some circles and drifting out of others; axiom lock is a pain in the behind.]
j4 From: j4 Date: July 16th, 2003 09:36 am (UTC) (Link)
I'd go so far as to say, if it's climbing over 10% of the time and energy but into communication, that's a bad sign.

Hmmm. I'm not sure how to measure it as a percentage. But point taken. :-/

belief that particular individuals are scheming and gaming and not telling you may well be right; belief that everybody is so doing is a damn good way of cutting off those who aren't.

Ah, no, it's okay -- I certainly don't believe everybody is playing this game. I was referring to a specific situation that's been going on for some time (although obviously it does generalise). For my way of expressing it, you can blame the fact that I read Laing at an impressionable age.

how conscious people are of playing these games

IME the vast majority of humankind barely gives it a thought. Sometimes I envy them: it's possible that ignorance is bliss.
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: July 16th, 2003 09:59 am (UTC) (Link)
how conscious people are of playing these games

IME the vast majority of humankind barely gives it a thought. Sometimes I envy them: it's possible that ignorance is bliss.


Maybe, but it's not a form of bliss I would have any real desire to go back to, even were there any way of undoing paradigm shifts consonant with maintaining any sort of integrity, short of lobotomy.

After all, without identifying the games, you can't identify the people who've got past them, no ?
simont From: simont Date: July 16th, 2003 07:48 am (UTC) (Link)

The Game

You know, I think I've played that too. From one of the more pretentious moments in my Monochrome diary a year and a half ago:</p>
    golem 'So how do you think that round went?'
   anakin 'Um, we're not playing a game.'
    golem 'Oh, very nice. Good move.'
   anakin 'No, I said we're not playing a game.'
    golem thinks
    golem 'Third moon to King's Cross. Check.'
   anakin 'There is NO GAME GOING ON! Arrgh!'
   anakin falls over in frustration
    golem 'Opponent resigns! I win!'
lnr From: lnr Date: July 16th, 2003 07:56 am (UTC) (Link)
Animatrix: mostly agree with you, though I kind of liked Matriculated. I liked the point at which the robot plugged itself and the woman back in in an attempt to rescue her, but then she found the things it had found reassuring to be terrifying instead, that was quite moving. Richard seemed most taken by the robot sitting staring out to see afterwards. Interesting contrasts of how alien they really are and yet how similar. I agree the psychelics were a bit OTT though.

Loved the kid best I think, but beyond was a very close second and the detective story not very far behind. That would probably have got me more if I were more familiar with Alice I guess :-) The infodump sections at the beginning were OK, but all I felt they added was a certain amount of sympathy towards the robots which was an interesting viewpoint, and unexpected from what seemed to be a human-view documentary.

-----------------

Angryness on someone else's behalf: IKWYM, especially about the taintedness.

-----------------

Relationships: I have no words that this is the right place for.
j4 From: j4 Date: July 16th, 2003 09:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Matriculated

Um. I didn't pick up any of that from it. It just made no sense to me whatsoever. But then I was practically falling asleep at that point. Over a week of late nights and early mornings, starting to catch up with me.

Angryness on someone else's behalf: IKWYM, especially about the taintedness.
Relationships: I have no words that this is the right place for.

*hugs*
sion_a From: sion_a Date: July 16th, 2003 08:17 am (UTC) (Link)

Animatrix

the armies of robots reminded me of the marching hammers in Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

It'd maybe be interesting to go through the Second Renaissances and see just how much of it reminds one of something else.
wintrmute From: wintrmute Date: July 16th, 2003 09:22 am (UTC) (Link)
I saw The Matrix Reloaded, and The Animatrix, around the same time.
My memories from animatrix have lasted longer, and thoughts and discussions greater. Overall, I feel it's quite a bit better than the actual matrix films - except that of course it's set in an already-established world that wouldn't be except for the original Matrix film.
From: ex_lark_asc Date: July 16th, 2003 09:36 am (UTC) (Link)
There seems to be a very strong feeling around here that "making relationships work" is the main point of having relationships in the first place. That it isn't a real relationship unless you're spending all your time negotiating, "working at it", trying to fix things. [...] I used to believe that relationships were about spending as much time as you could with somebody because you loved them. Not about spending "quality time" with somebody because you wanted to "make things work". Is it just a difference of phraseology, or is it really a difference in attitude? I can't help thinking it's the latter.

ajm and me found out about that one. With us I think it really was a meeting of neuroses; we both remarked a few weeks after each of us had reached their own psychological endpoint to the relationship how much *easier* life seemed.

It sometimes goes along with love, and it sometimes doesn't, and you're damn lucky when it doesn't..
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