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A lemming entry - shadows of echoes of memories of songs
j4
j4
A lemming entry
Oh yeah, and some more fascinating insights into Who I Am, courtesy of the latest silly internet quizzes.



Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!



Michael. You're most like the ArchAngel of
Defense. You like to hit things, and you like
naked people, preferably cute naked people. A
real down-to-earth angel who likes frogs and is
easily distracted by bright, shiny things.


Which ArchAngel are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla



Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite??
Quiz



I think I'll leave dreamingchristi's "What have I done?" meme for some time when I'm feeling a bit more upbeat, or less tired.

Oh, and I still have some questions to answer and ask for the interview thingy; I will get round to them one day, honest. And I'll buy some furniture and give the cat a name.

Current Mood: lemming-like
Now playing: Bob Dylan: Blonde on Blonde

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Comments
sesquipedality From: sesquipedality Date: July 8th, 2003 12:18 am (UTC) (Link)
I actually found it quite helpful to force myself to focus on the positive things that have happened to me.
j4 From: j4 Date: July 8th, 2003 03:11 am (UTC) (Link)
This is the point, I don't think I'd have been able to focus on the positive at that time of night, in that frame of mind. I still can't think of anything positive to say. "I got a degree, moved into the house where I will probably die, and am now waiting for the end." I've never done anything that matters. I've never changed anybody's life for the better. And the more I try to think of positive achievements, the more hollow they sound in the face of the knowledge that I've done nothing whatsoever to justify my continued consumption of oxygen, and that I will die having given the world absolutely nothing of value.
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: July 8th, 2003 04:01 am (UTC) (Link)
I've never changed anybody's life for the better.
Oh yes you have. I can think of a person who gained quite a bit of confidence from you, which definitely made a huge difference to several people's lives... if you don't know what I mean email me and get the full explanation, but I'm sure you can figure it out quite quickly! Small things change lives in positive ways, just as much as big things do.

On a much smaller note you've "made me" (in my head) buy several books which have modified my reading habits and increased enjoyment, for which I thank you. It might have been years before I got around to Sarah Waters, The House of Sleep or Kavalier and Clay, or China Mieville, and that would have been a shame. So you're a good influence, and a nice person to know, neither of which are a negative thing - the world would be a lot more positive with more nice people in it.

I know it's hard to think of positive things, I am currently having a tendency to think "what have I done with my life?" and not come up with anything, yet the evidence is all around us that we are doing things. We just don't want to see it, some days.
j4 From: j4 Date: July 8th, 2003 06:24 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm sure you can figure it out

I suspect so. :) I hope I did some good there. There were times when I thought I'd done nothing but bad. ... This is sounding familiar, isn't it? My past really is coming back to haunt me at the moment. Possibly because my present is so unclear. The ghosts of might-have-been are closer.

So you're a good influence, and a nice person to know, neither of which are a negative thing - the world would be a lot more positive with more nice people in it.

I'm glad you see me as a nice person. I wasn't fishing for compliments, but being told that does help sometimes. I agree that just "being nice" is a good thing, and makes the world better... but it's so hard to see myself as contributing to that. Niceness is so subjective, and I see all the worst bits of myself so clearly, and I'm so sure other people just don't see them as clearly, and ... you know.

I am currently having a tendency to think "what have I done with my life?"

You're currently doing the one thing I really really want to do with my life, for what it's worth. The one thing that I know would make me feel like my life was worthwhile.

(That came out sounding awfully bitter... I didn't mean it to, but I can't find a way to rephrase it that sounds any better, so I shall just have to hope you're not offended, because no offence was meant.)

*hugs*
k425 From: k425 Date: July 8th, 2003 07:53 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm glad you see me as a nice person.

I haven't known you long, but I think you're a nice person, and well worth knowing.

We all see what we see as our faults far more clearly than others do and sometimes it takes others to point out that we're not half as bad as we think.

You love people, you let people know that they are loved, and you allow people to love you. These are all /good/ things that help improve a day, a life, a world.
j4 From: j4 Date: July 8th, 2003 09:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you.

*hugs*

It'd be easy for me to say "ah but you haven't known me very long so you just don't know what a nasty person I am", but I think (er, despite having not known you all that long either) you're a better judge of character than that. So I shall try to accept it and not argue. :)
k425 From: k425 Date: July 8th, 2003 12:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good grrl!

It can be very hard to accept compliments. Believe me, I know this!

And yes, I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. I've never invited anyone to my house that I later regretted, even if I'd never met them before (or only met them briefly, once, for a couple of hours).
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: July 10th, 2003 01:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Trust me, you did good. And look what's come of it! You can't underestimate that kind of thing. I can see why (without full details) your current situation is making you doubt things in the past, but really, don't with this one.

I see all the worst bits of myself so clearly, and I'm so sure other people just don't see them as clearly, and ... you know.
Believe me, I see bad in all sorts of people, and if you were having the opposite problem ("I'm so great") and I didn't like you, I'm sure I wouldn't have a hard time finding and pointing out some failings (which is NOT intended to be "ha ha you're not perfect" or in any way a criticism of you, you know I like you and I wouldn't want to hurt you for any reason) and I'm sure we'd be talking about the same things you see in yourself. Critical facility and awareness doesn't stop one overlooking negative things and liking the person anyway - no one in the world is perfect. I can think of a huge list of things about myself that I think make me a fairly unpleasant person at times, but luckily they've never been an issue with my friends. And nor are any of the things you see in yourself (unless you're secretly going around running over fluffy bunnies and enjoying it, in which case obviously no one has caught you doing it!)

Absolutely no offence taken on the last bit, and you didn't sound bitter to me, FWIW. I'm still torn between "this is what I've always wanted" and "but lots of people fought for the right not to have to do this" and it's sometimes hard to reconcile "not having to do it" with "being free to choose to do it" (something a few card-carrying UberFeminists still don't subscribe to); plus there's a hell of a lot of "fear of the unknown" and "have I put imc in a situation he doesn't want to be in" and all that stuff. It's an emotionally turbulent time. There's so much external-and-not-personally-important-but-societally-pressuring crap floating around that makes me feel bad for wanting to be SAHM/EarthMother/Kanga, and some internal-family-friends influence saying "actually it's ok and we approve" (which is the opposite of what I expected, and in itself unsettles me), and a lot of "this is what I expect from myself and I'm failing to achieve X" and a chunk of "I'm about to really stuff up someone else's life, aren't I?" and... wibble wibble pencils up nostrils pants on head stuff.

Many hugs (although I doubt you could get your arms around me right now to reciprocate, I measured the bump at over 54 inches the other day!!).
j4 From: j4 Date: July 11th, 2003 05:16 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm still torn between "this is what I've always wanted" and "but lots of people fought for the right not to have to do this" and it's sometimes hard to reconcile "not having to do it" with "being free to choose to do it" (something a few card-carrying UberFeminists still don't subscribe to)

I totally know what you mean on that one. I feel like being a mother isn't something I'm supposed to want to do -- that if I think I want to, then I've obviously just been brainwashed by the neiiiiigh of the Patriarchy. But I think it's entirely the other way round -- I think women these days (or at least women in the sort of circles in which you or I move) are much more likely to be brainwashed into the "Must be successful Career Woman" thing. I don't particularly want to be a successful career woman. Job-wise, I want to earn enough money to support myself and any dependents and have some spare cash left over for shiny stuff for myself and others.

Yes, people did fight for the choice. But it's all meaningless if the "choice" is actually just another pressure in a different direction. I'm grateful that people fought to get women the equality (such as it is) that they have today; but as far as I'm concerned, some other sistah is welcome to feel all emancipated by doing my shitty office job.

Don't know what to say about all the other expectations and pressures etc. except that at some level it's got to be about what you want from your life, and nobody else can make those decisions for you. But you know that. :)

And lots of *hugs* to you too -- the good thing about virtual hugs is that my arms can be as long as they need to be. :)
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: July 11th, 2003 05:51 am (UTC) (Link)
I think women these days (or at least women in the sort of circles in which you or I move) are much more likely to be brainwashed into the "Must be successful Career Woman" thing.
That's it exactly - the previous generation(s) were fighting for that, and we're pressured into it just as much as they were pressured into A Nice Little Job Until Marriage and then Homemaking. To want to be a Fifties throwback housewife and mother is not done because dammit, we're educated smart women who don't need men and should stand on our own two feet all our lives and die alone surrounded by cats (eaten by Alsatians, if you're Bridget Jones) because that's independence bay-bee. The fact that children and family and domesticity is actually what some of us want and are good at is irrelevant, we're "as good as men" and therefore we'll have to prove it every day by not necessarily being happy and fulfilled, cos heaven knows most men aren't. (I am pretty sure there's a lot more men out there that would love to be househusbands - those I know that are, are bloody good at it. But it's not "manly" or financially feasible for most to admit it. imc has expressed an interest in childcare, and were it practical I'd gladly have him at home more in future.)

[I find it odd that a side-effect of "equality" means that everyone seems equally miserable at work. Only fair, I 'spose, but couldn't we have just worked on making everyone happier, instead?]

'Choice' is a pain. To be "pro-choice" is often parsed as "recommending abortion", when sometimes birth is the better choice. But heck, anti-abortionists don't want to debate individual situations, they want blanket rulings, because otherwise they'd have to admit that every situation is different, and everyone is not the same. Equally, 'choice' in a woman's life must encompass Career Woman and Domestic Goddess (and Adequate Part-time Worker/Mum, and Unhappy Wage Slave, and Bimbo on Telly, and all the other choices), they can't make it just mean Career Woman. But hell, it feels like any other choice is very hard to make.

More hugs! Feeling in a very huggy mood today... :-)
k425 From: k425 Date: July 11th, 2003 07:10 am (UTC) (Link)
You know, I agree with your whole penultimate paragraph. All the way up to and including pencils up nostrils. Is it hormones? It's too late to panic, I know that much.

Oh, except Rapunzel's had "it's never too late to panic" as a sig for a while...
liriselei From: liriselei Date: July 8th, 2003 04:28 am (UTC) (Link)

I've never changed anybody's life for the better
from at least my point of view that's not actually true

j4 From: j4 Date: July 8th, 2003 06:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Hello, you. <awkward-ish smile>

Did I really change your life for the better? Honestly?

I thought at the time I was making it much worse. :-( Didn't think you'd ever want to speak to me again to be honest.

I still have good memories of wings and things though.

<tentative hugs>
liriselei From: liriselei Date: July 8th, 2003 12:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hello, you.

hello.

Did I really change your life for the better? Honestly?

honestly & truly - yes.
my pov in précis - there were good times and bad times, communication wasn't what it could've been, i was a lot less experienced, mature and confident than i tried to pretend, and things ended badly and took me a while to get over. but the good bits were wonderful and fantastic, and without knowing you i wouldn't be who i am today and subsequent bits of my life wouldn't have gone nearly as well as they have done.

Didn't think you'd ever want to speak to me again to be honest.

for a while, neither did i. things change, and so do people
<slightly awkward bittersweet smile>

<tentative hugs>

<hugs> back
taimatsu From: taimatsu Date: July 8th, 2003 10:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Motion seconded :)j
k425 From: k425 Date: July 8th, 2003 02:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, I dunno about the frogs, but Michael seems pretty accurate for you from where I'm sitting!

And what's this about a cat? Do I need to catch up on some LJ entries?
j4 From: j4 Date: July 8th, 2003 03:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Frogs is cool. Shiny frogs! :)

Sadly we don't have a cat yet -- the thing about buying furniture and giving the cat a name is just what Holly Golightly says in "Breakfast at Tiffany's", and it just seems to sum up the whole getting-one's-life-in-order thing for me.
k425 From: k425 Date: July 8th, 2003 04:38 am (UTC) (Link)
Doh! I really must get a copy of that film, it's one I love and don't see quite often enough!
imc From: imc Date: July 8th, 2003 05:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm just posting to add my general agreement to all the general agreeing that's going on. :-)
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