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All the small things - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
All the small things
This is going to be One Of Those Posts. Last chance to look away now.

I suspect I'm the only one who is even vaguely aware that I still haven't posted my New Year's Resolutions. Well, for what it's worth, they were rubbish anyway, and I've already done some of the ones that were one-off things, and already broken some of the ones that were supposed to be habit-changing, and oh, as if it makes any difference. We'll all be dead in a few decades anyway.

A lack of resolution is part of the problem, but not all of the problem. The problems are many and nebulous, and most of them would just get a big resounding "but why don't you just...!" of self-righteousness from the collective mouth of the internet if I said them out loud. It's just the usual. Work. Health. House. Relationships. Expectations. Directions. Decisions and revisions. Hesitation. Repetition. Repetition.

I have forgotten how to write. Emails, blog posts, let alone anything more meaningful; everything, the whole lot, it's all just trapped in some kind of mental equivalent of Second Class mail: a big avoidant bin where things get thrown. If writing too much is verbal diarrhoea, this is some kind of impacted vowel syndrome. It's stuck in there and it's toxic and it's making me feel ill. I don't know where to start. There's too many things to say and I don't know how to say any of them, and I don't feel any of them are worth saying. I hope nobody's reading this, I hope everybody's reading it.

I don't know what I want to do. All the small things add up to less than nothing.

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kaberett From: kaberett Date: March 8th, 2010 10:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm still reading and I do miss you.
tigerfort From: tigerfort Date: March 8th, 2010 10:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* and, um, me too. I would suggest we should try and write about each other's problems, but somehow I don't think it would work on any level.
monkeyhands From: monkeyhands Date: March 8th, 2010 10:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
I understand how you feel. And I think it's actually a good sign that you wrote this post.
emperor From: emperor Date: March 8th, 2010 11:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hug* I seem to go for periods where I don't write anything because I have a pile of half-written entries in my head, and I procrastinate writing all of them, and then they're old news anyway, and. I've taken to jotting down in my TODO all the entries that are blocking me, and when I've not written them a day or two, deleting them.
khalinche From: khalinche Date: March 8th, 2010 11:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love reading your entries when they appear: I don't want the absence/pileup of them to make you uncomfortable. As much of a pleasure as reading what you write is, I'd rather go for a drink* with you anyway.

*Or any number of other activities.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: March 9th, 2010 12:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Write anyway. The world will not be noticably worse if you write complete crap: as you write (at worst) fairly well, you will actually improve the world very, very slightly.

There are indeed worse things than verbal diarrhoea; some are permanent but impacted vowels can be worked loose with the aid of a corkscrew and willing friends.
taimatsu From: taimatsu Date: March 9th, 2010 12:48 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope you find solutions. x
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: March 9th, 2010 02:27 am (UTC) (Link)
Still hear, somewhat hammered down, still mutely caring, and one of these days hoping to get more voice back for something other than bitching about work and writing space opera.

imc From: imc Date: March 9th, 2010 12:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
The problems are many and nebulous, and most of them would just get a big resounding "but why don't you just...!" of self-righteousness from the collective mouth of the internet if I said them out loud.

Me too… in fact I already get that from my parents when they visit (which is why they don't visit very often). I didn't really have any resolutions, but the one thing I told myself I would do I haven't done yet, even though I was almost certain it would have happened by now. And my top 20 LiveJournal entries go back to October 2008.

This isn't meant to be me moaning in your journal, but just… please don't think any less of yourself as a person just because you have the same failings as the rest of us. *Hugs.*
bluedevi From: bluedevi Date: March 10th, 2010 10:19 am (UTC) (Link)
"impacted vowel syndrome" - brilliant.
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