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I can connect / Nothing with nothing - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
I can connect / Nothing with nothing
This post is not generated with the aid of the Apathetic Livejournal Entry Generator.

I can't concentrate, can't focus, can't get my brain in gear to do anything. I've been back at ProQuest (as a freelancer) since last Wednesday now, and I've done maybe a day's work, if that. I can't motivate myself to actually get stuff done. I just sit and faff. Or stare at the screen.

I'm failing to pay bills, to write job applications, to make doctor's/dentist's/optician's appointments. I'm failing to make phonecalls, to sort things out, to do any of the useful life-maintenance that I need to do. And not managing to do gradings yesterday has made me feel like even more of a failure than I did before.

It's not just official/work-related stuff, either; I feel like I'm letting everything slide socially as well. People who've actually received personal email from me in the last month or so, you're lucky. I seem to be managing irc and news -- somehow they feel less stressful, lower maintenance -- but anything more personal just seems to be drifting. I feel like I'm going to social events and not contributing anything; whether I'm literally just staring into the middle distance, or tiredly recycling the same conversations with the same people.

I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I'm not sure what.

In the background, back pain and stomach pains. I'm no longer sure whether one's causing the other (either way round); whether they're both caused by stress; whether I'm making them persist because subconsciously I feel that that way it's an ongoing excuse for me failing to do anything; whether I have some real Illness that's causing all these pains, or whether I'm just a whiny bitch.

Haven't got my act together to see a doctor yet though (see above), or indeed an osteopath, and don't have much faith in most medical practitioners at the best of times anyway. And not sure an osteopath will be much help if the pains are stress-induced rather than actual muscle problems.

I don't know any more. I'm tired, and my back hurts, and I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a week or so.

Current Mood: disconnected

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Comments
From: kaet Date: June 4th, 2003 07:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

Interview with a <lj user="kaet">

Sorry to tag this onto a different entry, but here's some questions. Sorry they took a bit to write.

1) If you able, and the world was set up such that such an ability could exist, to unknowingly impell someone you know socially -- not impell them to perform an act, but to alter their desires such that they come to take your imposition as their free intent -- but you could do it only once, and no one would find out, would you do so? If so who and what?

2) How do your feelings for Oxford, Loughborough and Cambridge compare?

3) This file contains the Linear B ideograms and their Linear B code points (ignore their names). Both you and a loved one you were unexpectedly separated from and who is in some emotional distress (who doesn't know any linear B but has this chart) can communicate only by sending a linear sequence of symbols off of that page (repititions okay). What sequence of symbols would you send, and why? (If possible, a little picture would make this more interesting for other readers! Tell you what, you give me the code points and I'll make the picture)

4) You get to change the ending of one work of literature, film, or play. Which and why?

5) You can change anything in the outside world which is not inside anyones head. What would you do to feel less disconnected?
j4 From: j4 Date: June 5th, 2003 07:57 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Interview with a <lj user="kaet">

Thank you! Great questions, but difficult -- spent lots of today musing on them. Hope to get answers out some time before the end of today!
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