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A shocking young punster from Enfield - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
A shocking young punster from Enfield
At some point during the mildly-hungover post-fryup party-recovery session on Sunday morning, a new game was invented (or perhaps I should say perpetrated) by hairyears and aardvark179 (I can't remember precisely where to lay the blame, which is probably for the best), ably aided and abetted by covertmusic, fivemack, taimatsu, addedentry and me. What is this new jeu du jour?

Oxbridge limericks.

It's not an aimless or endless meme: unusually, it's a meme with a publishable goal. The aim is to come up with limericks for each of the Oxford and Cambridge colleges. Most of the examples so far have been scurrilous in the extreme; I offer this most recent contribution phoned in (well, txted in) by hairyears as an exemplar:
The delicate dons of St Hilda's
Were shocked by the bill from the builda's
They charged for the water,
The bricks and the mortar,
And labour, replacing the dilda's.
The only rule over and above those dictated by the form is that the limerick must use the name of the college as the primary rhyme (commonly used shortened forms are acceptable, e.g. "Catz" for St Catherine's).

The ultimate aim is to create two full sets of limericks for each university's colleges: one 'clean' (if you could tell it to your mum -- no, not Your Mum -- then it's probably fine) and one, er, not (see e.g. above). We'll collect the best ones (all entries will be subjected to rigorous peer-review through the media of LJ polls and shouting) and hopefully put them together into something on paper that people can keep (think of this as the Viz to Pocketful of Lies' LRB).

For the time being, just post your limericks as comments here or in your own journal with the tag 'oxbridgelimericks'; in time I may be able to find a better home for them, but I don't want to delay the fun because of boring information management issues. Examples have already been sighted in the wild; it's possible that we may be seeing the start of a limerick pandemic (popularly known as 'rhyme flu').

Go forth and versify!

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venta From: venta Date: May 11th, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
This doesn't quite fit your rules, but seems worth sharing (I heard it years ago):

There once was a Dean of Divinity,
Whose daughter retained her virginity.
The Fellows of Magdalen
Must have been dawdlin'
- It would never have happened at Trinity.

I shall now attempt to think up some proper submissions.

Edited at 2009-05-11 07:32 pm (UTC)
emperor From: emperor Date: May 11th, 2009 07:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Selwyn rhymes with very little :-s
j4 From: j4 Date: May 11th, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is the best I can do at short notice (slightly too many syllables and the inner rhyme isn't quite)...

A second-year student at Selwyn
Found her zest for indecency melwyn
She was only found knickerless
Three times in Michaelmas
And one night her bed had no felwyn.
htfb From: htfb Date: May 11th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Three of these are in the New Oxford Book of Light Verse, ed. Kingsley Amis:

There was a young Fellow of Wadham
Who asked for a ticket to Sodom.
When they said "We prefer
Not to issue them, sir,"
He said "Don't call me sir, call me modom."

And two Cambridge ones:

There was a young Fellow of Caius
Who sat with a girl on his knees.
He said to her, "Miss---
Take more trouble with this,
And pay less attention to these."

There was a young Fellow of King's
Who cared not for whores and such things:
His height of desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs.

And unaccountably not collected by Amis, my favourite limerick of all:

There was a young man of St John's
Who attempted to bugger the swans:
But the loyal head porter
Said "Sir, take my daughter.
The Swans is reserved for the Dons."
j4 From: j4 Date: May 11th, 2009 09:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Excellent! :-)

Though surely, "... sat with a girl on his knaius" etc.? (Not an Oxbridge limerick but I have always liked this one: "A girl who weighed many an oz. / Used language I dare not pronoz. / When a fellow unkind / Pulled her chair from behind / Just to see (so he said) if she'd boz.")

By the way, you're not obliged to write limericks about your alma mater, but if one were, you'd at least be blessed with a productive rhyme (whereas Pembroke is as deficient in limericabilitudinity as in most other things).
khalinche From: khalinche Date: May 11th, 2009 08:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. I think we left just in time!
truecatachresis From: truecatachresis Date: May 11th, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
A quick one for my Alma Mater, then. I tried for a clean one as well, but my mind just wasn't able.

There was a young fellow from Oriel
Who made much of his outings arboreal
He was found up to no good
When instead of a wood
He was traced to an infamous gloryhole
j4 From: j4 Date: May 11th, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
hairyears From: hairyears Date: May 11th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC) (Link)

I bet no-one else can 'do' THIS college...

A virginal student of Somerville
Insisted on sex up the Bomerville
Keep clear of my muff
Or I'll get up the duff
And be sure to wipe off any Cum-a-spill.
j4 From: j4 Date: May 11th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: I bet no-one else can 'do' THIS college...


You are a veritable bard of filth. Now please pass the mental floss.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: May 11th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
The Warden and Fellows of Queens
Ate nothing but cabbage and beans
Their querulous quacking
Got financial backing
From specialist sex magazines
hairyears From: hairyears Date: May 11th, 2009 09:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
The crusty old gents of All Souls
Played nothing more risky than bowls
And that, with constraints
On receiving complaints
In writing (in Greek!) from the moles
j4 From: j4 Date: May 11th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Aww! That's sweet.

(All filthed out, are you? :-)
(Deleted comment)
megamole From: megamole Date: May 12th, 2009 11:47 am (UTC) (Link)
The Warden and Fellows of Christ's
Eat undergrads chopped, minced and sliced;
The veggie from Leeds
Will only eat Swedes
While the Gambling Don likes them diced.
addedentry From: addedentry Date: May 11th, 2009 09:39 pm (UTC) (Link)

the unrhymes are deliberate

A physicist's mistress at Worcester
Discovered her man had revercester,
But his temporal tricks
Left her aged only six!
If only he could have divorcester.

(Please not to be sacked kthxbye.)
addedentry From: addedentry Date: May 11th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

and for the alma mum

A gentleman's man at St Catz
Insists upon navy cravats;
With equivalent hanky,
The right sort of panky
Means he'll never be landed with brats.
covertmusic From: covertmusic Date: May 11th, 2009 09:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Here's one I was quite proud of. Clean, too;

The assorted fellows of Jesus
Kept a herd of macaques (was it rhesus?)
Sent them over to Sidney
where they climbed down the chimneys
and committed all kinds of malfeasance.
covertmusic From: covertmusic Date: May 11th, 2009 09:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Actually, no, it's not that good. But at least it rhymes.

There's a reason I don't write lyrics. :)
cleanskies From: cleanskies Date: May 11th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC) (Link)

one for the old hall

A brash hackish bitch from Exeter
Had a rum way to decide who was next for her
She'd line boaties up
and offer her cup
To the cock who'd best pose stretch and flex at her

also : you requested photos?

showing the full height

omg look at those shoes!

... and a few more on the click through. SFX *faints* at the sudden rush of new foot fans flocking to her flickr stream
pseudomonas From: pseudomonas Date: May 12th, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: one for the old hall

An old one, not mine:

There was a young lady from Exeter
So fair that all men craned their necks at her.
But one went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
geekette8 From: geekette8 Date: May 11th, 2009 10:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
There was a young fellow at Clare
Who had simply too much pubic hair
She'd have a Brazilian
So she didn't feel silly in
Case someone saw her down there.

A senior tutor at Robinson
Would frequently dangle his knob in some
Inappropriate places
Like undergrads' faces
And say "Oh, do stop your sobbin', son!"

hairyears From: hairyears Date: May 11th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
The aristocrats in Christ Church
Have morals that none would besmirch
For their lawyers will sue
If you say it's untrue,
And they've left many girls in the lurch
(Deleted comment)
simont From: simont Date: May 12th, 2009 01:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's reminding me, actually, that drswirly once related a limerick to me that someone apparently recited at a Corpus formal dinner, which would probably go straight into this collection. It was along the lines, if I recall rightly, of:

There was a young lady from Girton
Who went for a punt with no skirt on
The pole of the punt
[we're recording tonight so I have to leave this line out]
And her equipoise went for a Burton.

As I recall Gareth's telling, the fourth line was carefully timed to be drowned out by the laugh as the audience figured out what it would be.
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