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The way the rain comes down hard... - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
The way the rain comes down hard...
Rain and thunderstorms yesterday abated just in time for me and pto452 to give hoiho a lift to the station, to pick up his bike. Rush-hour traffic was pretty horrible but we made it in the end.

Lovely dinner with ewx at La Margerita; shame I was too tired afterwards to be much use. I seem to be falling asleep a lot easier at the moment, which is good in a way (certainly makes a change from feeling shattered all the time but not being able to sleep!) but it's not very sociable to fall asleep on people.

Our kitchen has now been completely dismantled and removed, and the new stuff is sitting there in cardboard boxes waiting to be installed. The old units came out fairly easily, as only one of them was actually fixed to the wall... the rest were just (mostly) fixed to each other. There were, as expected, Lovecraftian horrors behind the sink. Not sure what the large black rubbery disc with holes in was for, but we think we killed it.

Roofers turned up this morning for just long enough to demand extortionate sums of money, then vanished. To be fair it has been hailing here, but they vanished before the weather turned.

I thought all this extra time would mean that I managed to get more stuff done, but mostly I'm just wandering aimlessly around the house, doing nothing. I can't even just go back to bed (which seems like the most attractive prospect) or even get into town to get a birthday card for my dad, because I've got to be permanently on hand to let builders in.

I've not made all the phonecalls I should have made, and I've not tidied up. sion_a won't be cross as such, he'll just look distressed at me, and say how hopeless everything is, and how "we'll" never get everything done. "We" don't get anything done.

I'm feeling dreadful about having chosen the wrong builders. sion_a was getting to the stage where he was permanently on the verge of tears about the fact that I hadn't phoned any roofers yet, so I chose the ones who were to hand; but it looks like they're worse than leaving the roof unfixed.

I feel like the house we're building is a monument to futility and misplaced hope. The builders who fail to turn up are just another bit of the pattern of endless deferral. Too much difference.

And I feel trapped by everything. I feel like I have nothing left of me to call my own, everybody wants a piece of me for their own reasons, and half of them want me to be somebody I'm not. Different Barbie dolls with different dresses, different neuroses, removable personalities. Comes with her own accessories: a wardrobe full of clothes that make her feel ugly; over 50 pairs of shoes; and a mile-high stack of unread books -- other people's opinions that she's waiting to consume, other people's words that she's waiting to write on her body.

At least Barbie dolls can't post predictable pseudo-intellectual teen-angst rubbish to LiveJournal, though. And if you get bored of them, you can always just rip their heads off.

Current Mood: fugitive

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Comments
uon From: uon Date: May 13th, 2003 05:57 am (UTC) (Link)
And I feel trapped by everything.

:-(

Maybe you should go on the rampage. Might be therapeutic, etc.
lnr From: lnr Date: May 13th, 2003 06:07 am (UTC) (Link)
I believe this has now been pointed out to Jan at the very least twice by individual email, once on a mailing list, once on channel and once by msg on irc, and now here. Anyone would think the fact she likes badgers is well known.

*snuffly giggly baby badger noises*
uon From: uon Date: May 13th, 2003 06:09 am (UTC) (Link)
What, no usenet?
marnameow From: marnameow Date: May 13th, 2003 06:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Why do all the words run away when I start typing?

Give yourself time to adjust. On days off, I wander aimlessly about unsure of what to do. And the kitchen's halfway there - the old one is *gone*, even if the new one's not in.

Half the reason (the other half is just plain laziness) our place has changed so little in the last two years is that I cannot do it all myself, and I *really* cannot bring myself to deal with the builders and plumbers and electricians that are required to make all the changes I want.

Barbie dolls also give birth to surprise black jelly babies.
julietk From: julietk Date: May 13th, 2003 06:58 am (UTC) (Link)
All builders suck enormously: this is the law. So I doubt that you've got particularly wrong ones, apart from *all* builders being wrong.

For the doing-stuff: lists? I find lists helpful when I'm feeling like I can't do/aren't doing anything. Lists which include really *small* things so that I feel like I'm actually achieving stuff.
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: May 13th, 2003 06:59 am (UTC) (Link)
I was going to think and say that we don't want a piece of you for any reason other than to say "hello Jan" to from time to time and give hugs to, but then I realised that part of that mile-high stack of unread books is mine and now I feel guilty. :-( But I won't care if you don't read them (although I do think one of them will probably make you feel better about various things IYSWIM).
j4 From: j4 Date: May 17th, 2003 12:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
then I realised that part of that mile-high stack of unread books is mine and now I feel guilty.

Don't feel guilty! I only really feel bad about the unread books that I've bought for myself, because I can't really afford them. Also, I know I buy books out of some urge towards self-improvement which makes it as far as buying the books but not as far as reading them, and that frustrates me. Does that make sense? Please don't feel guilty for lending & giving me books, it's very much appreciated.

But I won't care if you don't read them (although I do think one of them will probably make you feel better about various things IYSWIM)

I'll try to read them. I'm just not really settling down to reading at the moment -- part of the whole avoidant thing. :-/ ... Which one do you think will make me feel better about things, JOOI?
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: May 18th, 2003 01:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
The one with the jellybabies on the front. I've forgotten the title (I'm having one of those days) - the one I said DH and I found rather interesting, if frustrating and angst-ridden in places. If nothing else it might make you either recognise certain things and feel less hopeless-and-alone in trying to deal with them (as it did for me in places) or laugh and say "well at least it's not that bad" (as it did for me in places).
j4 From: j4 Date: May 19th, 2003 01:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh -- Loving Mr Spock. Actually I have read that one. I thought bits of it were interesting, but I spent most of it just wanting to strangle the author!

And there were definitely lots of "boy, do I ever know that feeling" moments, but it didn't really make me feel any more able to deal with things. If anything it made me realise that the root of the problem can't be fixed -- so all I can do is change myself to try to make myself able to deal with it (or able to stop caring one way or the other). :-/

Teach us to care and not to care.
bopeepsheep From: bopeepsheep Date: May 19th, 2003 06:07 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, that's the one. Couldn't think of it at all. D'oh.

Well, I didn't think it would solve all your problems any more than it did ours, but it's a shame it didn't make you feel any better. If anything, for me it gave me a sense of "well if this IS what's going on then at least I don't have to blame myself when he doesn't understand me or I don't understand him" which can be quite liberating. I tend to self-blame too much, and now I can legitimately excuse myself from beating my head against a wall on some things.

I'm not sure that the conclusion I got was can't be fixed so much as can be fixed by application of big metaphorical stick to old rules, so new ones can be set. That seems to be how we're working out, the old rules get gradually bent and battered until they give and we can agree some new ones which work better for both of us. That might just be a case of different starting points, though.

I'm rather fearing what will happen when SC arrives, since some of the things we still have to do some major work on include when to step in instead of faffing, how to interpret needs that can't be explicitly written down ("um, babies can't write, dear? and in labour I'm NOT going to stop to take time to explain things to you, since I doubt I'll be able to speak at all"), and other emotionally-based issues that will arise. OTOH I now feel a lot better about the possibility of his feeling "abandoned" if I wind up spending too much time with SC, since now I do truly believe him when he says that he doesn't feel anything like that. (I know I would.)

Hmmm. Rambling again. I guess I just wanted to know if you felt the book raised anything you recognised (which it did) and if it helped (which it might not have). There are other, probably better, books out there, but this one kind of fell into my lap courtesy of one of the Waterstone's offers, so now I might search out some more intelligent ones, where I'm far less likely to want to drown the author. :-)
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