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Scene - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
Early days of summer, sharp and bright
and sudden. I am startled by his skin:
sandalled foot and slender ankle. In
the flesh, too real. Sun-stroked in the light,

caressed... my mind is softening the blow,
smoothing the lines, stroking, making folds
from edges, turning inward. Memory holds
two versions of the picture; this I know:

both are right.

(for SR)

Now playing: Belly, "White Belly"

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keirf From: keirf Date: November 9th, 2007 07:42 am (UTC) (Link)
I like the "and sudden" actually being sudden because of the line break. And an actual rhyming scheme in a poem on Livejournal, for once. I wonder what is the blow that is being softened? I have some ideas, but they're just mine. The fourth line has a few problems with scansion given the flow of the other lines, I think. Very well written poem though.
j4 From: j4 Date: November 9th, 2007 09:05 am (UTC) (Link)
Gosh -- thank you! I'm not used to people commenting on poetry. I think usually people find it a bit embarrassing, like crying in public, kind of thing. :-}

I will reply but I don't want to pre-empt other people's responses, IYSWIM, so I will wait a bit (and try to tidy up the bad scansion!).
keirf From: keirf Date: November 9th, 2007 12:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well I post plenty, so I have no problem with it. And I know I like it when someone takes the time to write a comment, preferably making some constructive criticisms at the same time.

Nor do I have a problem with people crying in public, though.
bluedevi From: bluedevi Date: November 9th, 2007 11:16 am (UTC) (Link)
That's quite beautiful.
nja From: nja Date: November 9th, 2007 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's really good. A lame compliment, but I lack your inspiration.
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