Janet (j4) wrote,
Janet
j4

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everybody hurts

Feels like last night is just a blur of blood and tears.


I just can't deal with always having to protect sion_a from the terrifying world that he's constructed around him, the world where everybody will apparently respond to the slightest word or glance from him with physical violence. I can't always be there to tell people "No, he doesn't want to be touched" (no, he doesn't take sugar).

Not that it's his fault if somebody assumes that everybody always wants to be stroked and pawed-at all the time, but it should be his responsibility to do something about it if he doesn't want it.

Stress with sion_a made me less able to deal with other stuff. Everything went pearshaped for reasons I can't quite establish, can't quite see/remember through the haze of drink and hurt. Sometimes I really do think that a lot of people would be much happier without me around. :-( I always just seem to end up hurting all the people I love.

And trying to describe it all at this distance just feels empty and numb and meaningless. Which is about how I've been feeling for most of today so far. People are saying things and they're just not connecting; it's times like this when I really do feel that it would be better to feel bad than to feel nothing at all.

Mildly surprised to see giolla there last night; even more surprised that he was trying to talk to me. It did appear that all was not quite as fluffy as usual in matching-tattoo land, though, so maybe he just got confused without wildeabandon leading him around on a chain.
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