Janet (j4) wrote,

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dressed for the occasion day after day

It was all going so well.

Had a nice dinner with ewx on Wednesday night, and very enjoyable evening post-dinner. :-) Also managed to make a very cheesy macaroni cheese for sion_a before going out, because it didn't seem fair that he was always living on leftovers while I was running around and eating out and doing stuff.

Thursday lunchtime was spent shopping, which in retrospect was a Very Bad Idea as I now have No Money At All. However I did buy some nice new underwear (one black lacy set and one purple lacy set), and finally got my own copy of Richard Thompson's "Rumour and Sigh". Should have bought it on Amazon really, probably would've been cheaper, but I wanted to get it sooner dammit.

Thursday night pub was stressy in parts; partly because I really couldn't face trying to have Deep & Meaningful conversations in the middle of the pub. Seem to have ended up upsetting daneel_olivaw and sion_a as usual ... sometimes I really think I should just keep away from everybody. :-/

On the plus side, however, I was reassured by hearing from ottah this morning that she's not cross with me. Had been feeling awkwardness there but no idea why... seems we've both just been worrying about nothing.

Apprehensive about this weekend. The photo-shoot should be fun but does sound like quite hard work, & I am a bit nervous; the clubbing should be good from a dancing/music point of view, but I'm very nervous about the potential interpersonal stress. At this rate I may well end up just reverting to my time-honoured coping strategy of just dancing all night, without stopping, so that nobody gets any individual time with me. That way it's fair at least.

Camden at least should be okay; I mean, it's not like trying to herd a large group of goths around somewhere is ever stressful, is it? Particularly not when I get to watch them all spending hundreds of pounds on gorgeous clothes that I will never be able to afford. ... I really will have to avoid buying stuff though.

Feeling very ugly and stupid right now. Not the best state of mind in which to pose for photos. :-( Also, I've packed far too many possible outfits for Saturday and I just know that no matter what I wear and no matter how hard I try to look good I'll end up looking like an ugly gawky teenager ("sixteen, clumsy and shy... that's the story of my life"), while the people I'm with will look effortlessly gorgeous and sexy as usual. lnr looks like a goddess no matter what she wears, and I can't help feeling like I'm competing, even though I know I shouldn't be, don't need to, don't want to.

Feeling envious of other people's pretty clothes, too, which is stupid because even if I could afford them, no amount of expensive clothes are going to make me look attractive. I should be spending my money on something useful. Like plastic surgery, maybe.

The things I thought were budding wings? Looks like they're just chips on my shoulders.
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