Janet (j4) wrote,
Janet
j4

The waste of a new generation

As our government plunges headfirst into a moral morass, with every day revealing a new sordid secret about the sleazy underbelly of "so-called" Labour, it's easy to forget that tomorrow's elections are about local issues. So what are the issues that really matter to Cambridge residents?

Last month, Cambridge's bin czar eloped to Scotland, leaving residents "confused, distressed and angry". Recycling rage is rife in the city's narrow streets. But at the polls tomorrow, YOU will be able to change your local community for the better, by reading some little pieces of paper and writing on one of them. Let me and addedentry be your guides through the "multi-coloured obstacle race", so that your vote doesn't go to "waste"!

Labour
Labour promise an end to the liberal bin madness, with a personal refuse sack being allocated to every resident on signing up to a voluntary national register. Police will be given the power to serve ASBOs on delinquent bin users.

Liberal Democrat
If re-elected, the Lib Dems will build on previous successes by introducing neighbourhood recycling corps consisting of volunteers in hi-vis orange tabards. New community 'refuse rickshaws' will patrol a trial zone, with megaphones.

Conservative
Farmers will be given new carcass-recycling bins in order to segregate waste originating from avian influenza, foot and mouth disease, and blue rinse. City residents will be incentivized to buy shares in personal landfill sites.

Green
Your Green representatives in local government will introduce new recycling initiatives for batteries, envelope windows, upholstery, tropical fish, and second homes. In place of costly city centre parking spaces, we will provide spacious composting zones.

Respect
It's not just about bins! Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. (Does anybody know where we can recycle George Galloway?)

British National Party
Black bins will be replaced by white bins. Refuse will be sorted by place of origin, and waste from non-approved countries will be repatriated as landfill.

Independent
We've already lost our deposit, so we can promise BETTER HEALTHCARE! LOWER TAXES! FEWER MURDERS! SMALLER CLASSES! FREE PARKING! And all the bins you can eat.
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