Trying to catch up the last few days, but I don't seem to be able to string a sentence together coherently without it requiring about fifteen rewrites. The words are coming out all weird.

Thursday -- pub as usual, only more so, because most people didn't have to get up in the morning the next day. Port and coffee at Relativity afterwards; didn't leave until the small hours of the morning. Nice to see brrm there in addition to the usual crowd.

Friday -- sion_a and I went to visit my parents, and on the way there somebody smashed into the back of the sion_a's car. I was driving, though, so I guess it's my fault that he's now lost 16 years' worth of no-claims bonus. :-(

We spent a fair amount of Saturday decorating -- got the downstairs bathroom mostly done, plus the new bit of wall under the banister, and the wood around the front door. All bits that we'd sort of started but not got round to finishing. Also got some clothes washed and some washing-up done, and a bit of tidying.

Housework duly done, I managed to squeeze in a very enjoyable visit to hoiho before we both went on to simonb and ottah's house, where a small gathering had, er, gathered, for drinks and nibbles. It's a shame I didn't get to sample the ginger vodka this time, but I didn't think pto452 would appreciate being abandoned at somebody else's house just so that I could drink!

Nice lie-in on Sunday morning; got up to find that the mysterious packages my mum had given us on Friday were actually two Harry Potter Easter eggs, plus a rather cool decorate-your-own-chocolate-egg kit from my sister.

...

Having already put it off for far too long, I finally tried to put my contact lenses in, but couldn't get them in at all. Don't know what I'm doing wrong, basically they just seem to stick to my finger, and of course as usual I can't help blinking as soon as I see a finger being stuck into my eye, which doesn't help. Clearly I am too stupid to wear contact lenses, so that's a nice waste of 90 quid. :-(

In the afternoon sion_a and I went to Peckover House in Wisbech. It's a lovely house with beautiful gardens; and we did have ulterior motives for visiting it, as they're licenced to do wedding ceremonies. Definitely considering it; it's just a shame it's so far away from Cambridge...

Currently digesting a lovely chilli con^H^H^Hsenza carne made by sion_a, and sitting around with my head wrapped up in cling-film and a towel, waiting for the henna to soak into my hair. There are probably worse ways to spend a Sunday evening.


Feeling rather detached from everything at the moment. I feel like I've jumped off the edge of a building on the understanding that I'd either fall, or spread my wings and fly -- and instead I'm just suspended in mid-air.

...

Wondering (as a result of something hoiho said) about free will, and motives. Is "because we want to" a good enough reason to do something? Is it possible to make yourself feel something you don't, or stop yourself feeling something you do, about somebody? When is it reasonable, or advisable, to pretend that one doesn't feel something that one does?

Is it wrong to give in to our instincts, to our desires, to our needs? At what point does a desire become a need?

It somehow feels as though there should be some kind of moral superiority in resisting our desires; but I see no logical reason why this should be the case. However this feeling is instilled in us so strongly that we rarely even question it -- of course it's good to refrain from eating whenever we're hungry, because otherwise we're little more than animals. And of course it's bad to give in to pure naked lust ... unless of course it's in the context of a committed relationship, in which case it's called a healthy sex life. Funny how names can change things.

... I suppose the ability to resist our desires gives us greater control over our lives, and I definitely regard this as a good thing; but then we get into a version of what I shall call the moderate drinker's dilemma: I could give up drinking any time I wanted. I don't see any reason why I should. Am I using this as a way of rationalising the fact that I can't give it up? Or am I just reluctant to do something purely for the sake of proving to myself that I can?

- "If you could, then do."
- "But I don't want to. I don't see any need to."
- "Ah-ha! You can't."

There's no way to prove the first voice wrong without giving in to it.


All in all, I'd rather be down the pub.