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Still ill - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
Still ill
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j4 From: j4 Date: September 12th, 2005 03:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Congratulations on going through with it!

It's not stupid paranoia, though, the fluttery stomach and the incipient terror; it's mostly biology, and transient biology at that.

I keep trying to tell myself that, but mostly it just so doesn't help. :-( I wish my body would have physical symptoms for physical things. I'd rather be throwing up every 5 minutes than feeling like that.

It's Not Fair.

First bit of life-guidance (can't think of a word for it, not exactly "moral" guidance) I ever remember getting from my parents was my dad telling me "nobody ever said life had to be fair" -- the context was computer games that I was upset at losing. (Owen says it's stupid advice, and it causes Learned Helplessness.)

I can't bear it when he's cross with me, though, even if he's just snappish because I'm interrupting his breakfast with boring admin about supermarket shopping; and it makes it even worse to know that most normal people would have probably killed me by now -- it's unfair that I get upset with him even when he's being nicer than I have a right to expect. And of course once I've got upset, even if it's just the upsetness equivalent of an involuntary "ow!" when stubbing a toe, it's an instant endless downward spiral of "Don't be so touchy" and "but in an argument four months ago you said" and guilt and anger and accusations. :-(
From: (Anonymous) Date: September 12th, 2005 06:45 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Congratulations on going through with it!

(Too hurried to log in.) {{{{{ aw }}}}}}. Ow.

Bodies can be feckwitted, always mixing stuff up when we've categorised everything so neatly....

All I can say is that your arguments and elements of t'other's crossness and your devastation are terribly familiar, and that isn't meant to minimise what you're going through, just saying that it's familiar. YOu have invested a great deal in your relationship with Owen and it's new and it's bloody important. (I think one of my Dad's most wounding maxims was "You're TOO SENSITIVE." and 'II also upbraids me for being touchy and having the memory of an elephant about words not spoken or if spoken then never meant. Therefore one is an idiot for not recognising what's meant and what isn't. PEOPLE!!!!)

The cookies will help. Try them, try them, you will see.
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