You may have noticed over the past couple of days that actually doing work -- however pointless and dull the work may be -- is more satisfying and even sometimes more interesting than messing about on the web. You may also have noticed that once you start doing something, it's no longer hanging over you like a bloody great raincloud. This greatly increases overall productivity in the department of Not Feeling Like Shit. (Work produced for this department is generally considered to be its own reward, but you may wish to claim a small bonus from the chocolate machine as a token of appreciation.)
While whittling your inbox down from 1600+ messages to 350-odd and trying to tidy up several months' worth of loose ends, you may also have noticed that in some ways you are actually more conscientious about your work than certain other people in your vicinity, in that you occasionally give a damn about doing things that you said you'd do, and getting things finished within a finite time-frame. I wish to emphasise that this is not something about which to feel guilty. Also, while you may feel that the respective salaries of yourself and said certain-other-person do not always adequately reflect the division of labour (nor the division of Time Actually Spent In The Office), you are reminded that you have enough money to eat, clothe yourself, buy stupid things off the internet, and pay for cosmetic dentistry. You are therefore encouraged to stop whining already.
The inbox situation is not just an isolated side-project, but marks an encouraging development on the recent Being More Bloody Organised project. (Recent LiveJournal-based research into working practices has shown that being oh-I'm-so-disorganised is not interesting, and nobody is impressed.) While there is always further room for improvement, your attempts to streamline working processes in this area have not gone unnoticed.
The only area of your work that gives us serious cause for concern at the current time is your coffee consumption. May I venture to suggest that limiting your intake to 5 or fewer cups per day would probably provide you with adequate caffeine while still leaving you with a chance of sleeping, ever. Sleeping has been conclusively proven to have beneficial effects on employees' ability to work.
It remains only to thank you again for your contributions, and request that you read, mark, and inwardly digest the contents of this memo to facilitate further useful work on future occasions.