Janet (j4) wrote,

Loos talk

Cross-posted from theladiesloos. I don't know how to do a proper x-post on LJ, so I'll just say that if you've read it there, you don't need to read it here.

I'm SO FED UP. Since the beginning of May I've had stomach cramps and pain/discomfort, like having trapped wind all the time. It comes and goes, it's usually grumbling away in the background, sometimes it's just a vague feeling of not-quite-right, other times (like right now) it's bad enough to make me just want to curl up in a ball and whimper. Even when it's not too bad it makes me feel bloated and miserable and utterly unsexy (it's really hard to feel attractive when you're constantly farting like an old dog).

I've been to the doctor a couple of times. The answer, basically, is "we've no idea what's wrong with you". He's done various tests and they've all come back normal. I've got an appointment booked for next Thursday, and this morning I was tempted to try to ring up and get a sooner appointment, but I decided there was no point -- the condition isn't going to go away before then, but it's unlikely to worsen any more than this before then, and besides, they're not going to be able to get me an appointment outside work hours, and I can't call in sick with trapped wind, for god's sake. It never seems like it's quite bad enough at any one time to justify claiming that I'm too ill to go to work. It just goes on and on and on, and it wears me out.

In the meantime, nothing seems to make any difference. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat, or when I eat, or if I eat; indigestion remedies do nothing, the stuff the doctor prescribed the last two times did nothing; it doesn't seem to make any difference whether I stand or sit or lie down. There's nothing I can do, and I hate being helpless like this, I just want to know what it is and whether it's finite and whether there's anything I can do to cure it or even alleviate it. If somebody said "Right, you're allergic to everything except rice and water," then even that would be better; sure, I'd never be able to enjoy eating again, but at least I'd know that I could do something.

In addition to the stomach pains I'm getting worse and worse moodswings and attacks of depression. It's like something just bubbling up inside, there doesn't seem to be any way to stop it, I just start feeling nervy and angry and queasy and then something somebody says will trigger me and I'll just be spiralling down into awfulness. I don't even know how to explain it when I'm not actually in that state, it's just like everything burning up inside me, like a red mist, and I end up crying and shouting and being angry and violent and miserable. It's more like a fit or something than a 'moodswing'.

The moodswings seem to be coming in cycles of about 2 weeks, in line with the cycle of my Pill. I've been on the Pill for 10+ years (on this particular one for most of that time), and I've suffered from depression for all of that time (and then some), but it's only quite recently that my life's been settled enough in other ways for me to be able to observe the pattern like that. And the depression started before I went on the Pill, so it'd never really occurred to me that they might be connected. As for the stomach problems in relation to the Pill -- I've always had wind and dodgy bowels when I have my period, but judging from recent conversations on here that seems to be quite normal; but this recent stomach thing is more constant and seemed to come on very suddenly back in May -- so it seems unlikely that it's a result of something I've been taking for this long. I'd be happy to come off the Pill, less happy to try changing to different Pills as I don't want to spend the next howevermany months changing from Pill to Pill and never being sure whether it's the change or the type of Pill or other factors altogether that are making a difference (if any difference is made).

I want to tell the doctor all this, but every time I go to the doc with any physical symptom he asks if I'm depressed, and I know that as soon as I say the magic word "depression" all the physical symptoms will immediately be written off as the hypochondriac imaginings of a neurotic woman, and if I refuse to take YET MORE fucking antidepressants it'll be considered evidence that I "just don't want to get better". (Despite the fact that EVERY TIME I've taken ADs they've not helped at all and given me bad side-effects.)

There just seem to be too many factors altogether, it's impossible to do any sort of controlled experiment, and it's understandable that the doctor just looks at this mess and thinks "Hmm, obviously just a hypochondriac, just wants attention." But I'm not making it up, and I'd be quite happy to never have any attention again from the medical profession as a whole, and I do want to fix it, but I don't know how to untangle it all. I hate it. I want to outsource my entire digestive/reproductive system to Elbonia while they sort out what's wrong with it.
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