Janet (j4) wrote,

  • Music:

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

I'm sure I just posted this update, but it appears to have vanished into the ether. I'm not concentrating too well, though, so I probably just hit "Throw to the wolves" instead of "Update" by accident.

So anyway, I was feeling pretty apprehensive about this morning's doctor's appointment, as in my not-so-limited experience doctors vary quite a lot as to how good they are at dealing with depression. It was a blessed relief to find that the new doctor listened to what I had to say, gave me honest answers, asked me how I felt about taking antidepressants before attempting to prescribe them, and -- most surprisingly -- actually agreed, after listening to my description of past experiences, that it didn't sound like counselling would be very helpful for me. My faith in the medical profession is (at least temporarily) restored.

So I'm now on Lustral (sertraline), and I have a Get Out Of Work Free card for the rest of this week. For next week, too, if I want it; but the doctor suggested (and I agreed) that if I feel up to it I should go back into work on Monday. I don't think taking extended periods off work is going to help overmuch, and I know that the longer I stay off, the harder it's going to be to go back.

Phoned my project manager to tell him what's happening, and he was awfully decent about it -- didn't ask too many questions, offered wishes for a speedy recovery, and agreed to talk to me about stuff when I get back on Monday. I do need to explain the situation a bit more, and I also need to talk to him about the job itself -- there's clearly something wrong if I'm coming home from work every day feeling like I've achieved nothing, done nothing, wasted another day of my life. I'm quite prepared to admit that some of that wrongness is in me, in my outlook; but I don't believe it's all me.

Was going to go to the pub this evening to meet pir and other BOFHs, but I got halfway down the road and realised that I was on the verge of tears and couldn't face walking there on my own. I feel cross with myself for not making the effort anyway but I honestly don't think I'd have been much company anyway.


Plans for tomorrow (if I write them down, it might be just enough external accountability that I actually get them done): tidy my bedroom, paint the remainder of the front door frame, practice piano, and make scones. God, what an exciting life I lead. Still, I have to do something, otherwise I'll just sit around all day trying to beat my high score for Minesweeper (50 mines in 37 seconds) on the Palm.

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