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Silent and grey - shadows of echoes of memories of songs
j4
j4
Silent and grey
I had a lovely dream about curling up quietly and affectionately with an old friend whom I always loved dearly (and carried the flame of my love for him long after I realised he would never be interested in women). In the dream we were close, and I felt secure and loved. Then I woke up and everything was grey and cold and miserable. It was already late enough that no matter how fast I cycled I would be late for work and arrive breathless and aching and tired; the sky was low and flat, the paths were all still wet and muddy, even sounds were dampened, and it seemed that there was nothing bright in the world.

I hate being a slave to the seasons, but the weather wears me down. People wear me down more, though. And they go in cycles, too; you love someone a little, then a little more, then a little less, and somehow the little things are the last to go. Years after you've forgotten the shape of their caresses, or the words you think they said they thought they meant, you find that can still remember how they take their coffee; you remember how they fold shirts the wrong way, not your mother's way, a different way that makes a hairline crack in the shell of who you have been, and behind that crack gapes the endless void of possible ways to live, so that a part of you can never be the same again; something as tiny and deadly as the shape of a sleeve can make all the memories of them explode in your chest again and leave you shattered, crawling in the dust trying to piece together a crutch for your heart to keep on stumbling on.

And all this happens in the blink of an eye so that all the disinterested observer sees is a bird or a leaf dropping dead from a bough, a tiny senseless death which touches them like a drop of rain from a greying sky brushed away by an unthinking hand.

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Comments
From: ewtikins Date: January 20th, 2005 11:55 am (UTC) (Link)
Not sure what to say to that, but felt I had to say something.

Thanks for writing this.
From: fluffymormegil Date: January 20th, 2005 11:57 am (UTC) (Link)
I think this is a beautiful piece of writing.
(Deleted comment)
From: besskeloid Date: January 20th, 2005 12:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: never be the same again

I feel as if I want to embrace everybody on this comments list.

No gerroffs, please!
totorojo From: totorojo Date: January 20th, 2005 01:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
People have already said it, but I second it. This is beautiful.

I've added you by the way. Found you on a search of Cambridge people... Used to be a Cambridge gal myself ^^
brrm From: brrm Date: January 20th, 2005 01:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wonderful. I have no words, just a picture.
From: besskeloid Date: January 21st, 2005 12:47 am (UTC) (Link)
All that's needed.

I've made it my desktop. Just the thing to get me all wistful before I retire to bed.

G'night all.
voiceofsauron From: voiceofsauron Date: January 20th, 2005 01:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Love the idea of loving people in cycles. I've never heard it expressed so well.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: January 21st, 2005 01:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Curling up quietly and affectionately is a pleasure I had almost forgotten. S'nice to be reminded.
From: (Anonymous) Date: January 26th, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC) (Link)

Le Petit Mort

A little warm death
A little warm death won’t hurt you none
Come on relax with me
Let me take away your physicality

One little warm death coming up
One little warm death with me tonight

A little sweet death
One little cherry breathless mist
Feels like eternity
There’s nobody here just you and me

One little warm death coming round
One little sweet death with me tonight

In and out of stages
Like the phases of the moon
It can shine so brightly
Let the fullness soon come soon


But now I feel you near me
See you much more clearly
I can hardly wait to
Feel you moving through my world
Oh my world
Isn’t deep without you
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