Janet (j4) wrote,
Janet
j4

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24 Hour Party People

"You must go on; I can't go on; I'll go on."

Another weekend of spending too much and drinking too much, giving too much in places, taking too much in others. Wanting too much, always wanting too much. I feel like I have so little time, both locally and globally. ("But at my back I always hear / Time's winged chariot hurrying near".) I feel like I need to reach out and grasp everything within reach before it passes me by. I start to resent anybody who seems to be holding me down, holding me back; unfair, yes, and irrational, but sometimes I can't help feeling it.

Coming down is always the hard part. "Withnail & I" reminded us again that we'd failed to paint it black. "24 Hour Party People" drove the message home: what's left is always an empty building and the ashes of yesterday's smoke. The sign will always say "Factory Closing".

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just don't have enough time. I look ahead at the week and I'm out tonight, then seeing lnr tomorrow night; I was going to have some spare time on Wednesday afternoon after the interview that I haven't even had time to prepare for, but now it looks like that's taken up too; out Thursday night as usual, and then on Friday I'm heading over to Oxford. Saturday is another party; Sunday I'll be trying to see all the people I haven't seen for ages in Oxford, and then heading back to Cambridge for another party.

I can't miss a thing. I can't let things go by. I can't stop. I can't carry on like this.

...

Going to see daneel_olivaw tonight, now that he's finally installed in his new flat in Cambridge. Spent some time helping him unpack on Saturday, along with lnr, rjk, sion_a, hoiho, simonb and angua -- we got a fair amount of stuff shifted but hopefully he'll be a bit more settled in by now. Feeling guilty about not spending more time with him on Sunday but it did look like that weekend had already been claimed by ottah, and I was just too hungover to be of any use to anybody. (Of course, real poly people don't get hangovers, don't get tired, are supremely organised, and always have enough time; so they can always be bright and cheery and free to do exciting things as soon as any of their partners turn up. Yet another point on the list of "Reasons why j4 is a crap girlfriend".)

Right now I just want to crawl away and hide.
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