May 17th, 2004


Into a several world

I seem to have been having very vivid dreams over the last few days, or rather emotionally vivid, because I can't always describe them in detail afterwards but they leave me with very strong feelings that I can't get rid of easily.

Collapse )

I wonder if the emotions are already there (consciously or subconsciously) and that's why the dreams occur -- as an outlet for them? Or are the emotional triggers in given situations so strong that even imagining the situations can invoke the emotions? Are dreams like 'imagining' or more like experiencing 'for real'? There's something that stops us actually getting up and moving around while dreaming -- they've done experiments with cats where they suppress that thing and the cats run around and 'hunt' in their sleep -- so maybe it's actually closer to experience than imagination?

On the way into work today I had a bizarre experience while crossing Jesus Lock bridge -- for a couple of seconds I just didn't have a clue where I was, though something was telling me it was Oxford, but it was -- how can explain this? -- just the name 'Oxford', not any meaningful knowledge of place -- and the not-knowing made me feel terribly panicky for just those couple of seconds. Then once I 'knew' again I started wondering how I knew, and what made this one place rather than another ... which makes no sense really, but feels awfully like something I experienced in another, er, state of mind. Weird and disorientating.
  • Current Mood

Spending money on other people

By the way if I've bought you anything recently you absolutely mustn't feel guilty about it, I'd probably bought the stuff before the current out-of-money situation & besides it was me who bought it & therefore not your fault. Okay? It's just been pointed out to me that I'll make everybody feel awful about things I've given them, and I don't want that to happen, I like giving people things. Yes I am going to have to stop now at least for a while, but I can't un-buy the things I already bought.

Well, I suppose I could sell stuff, but that's different. And I tried to sell a bunch of CDs on ucam.thingy but the only person who's responded is a friend (sort of) who is currently stressing me out a lot & is probably just buying the damn things as an excuse to see me, and is also not on UMS so I'd have to pay to get the stuff to them, & I don't know how to say "no" without causing offence. :-(


I feel like I desperately need a break from the office. And I also feel like I need food.

Now I have to convince myself a) that I don't really need food, and b) that if I have a break from the office it must be to somewhere with no shops.

Am doing one of those get-paid-a-fiver-for-ticking-boxes psychology test things tomorrow lunchtime. I need to find more of those.

Colour me...

Quiz borrowed from imc.

Your Existing Situation

Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. This subjects her to considerable stress, but she sticks to her attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Finds the situation uncomfortable and would like to break away from it, but refuses to compromise with her opinions. Unable to resolve the situation because she continually postpones making the necessary decision as she doubts her ability to withstand the opposition which would result. Needs the esteem of others, compliance with her wishes, and respect for her opinions before she can feel at ease and secure.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels she is receiving less than her share, but that she will have to conform and make the best of her situation. Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Your Desired Objective

Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.

Your Actual Problem

Feels insufficiently valued in her existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which she will have greater opportunity of demonstrating her worth.

Your Actual Problem #2

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.