March 9th, 2004



I told Sensei last night that I wanted to take a couple of weeks off doing karate lessons. I haven't been giving the lessons my best efforts for some time now, and I think I need to take some time out to decide whether I want to carry on. Carrying on half-heartedly is no good to anybody; I'm either going to go back with renewed energy and determination, or not go back at all.

I'm doing the same with Portfolio (singing group). I've already begged off working at Oxfam this Saturday because I'm busy this weekend, so it'd be a bit awkward to ask Oxfam if they mind me missing another couple of weeks as well, but I may still have to -- I'll see how I feel. (I'm keeping up with orchestra because it'll be harder to go back if I miss too many rehearsals.)

Why am I doing all this?

More and more I feel as though the only thing that's keeping me going is momentum; I feel as though somebody's pushed me down a steep slope and I'm running -- well, tripping over my own feet in a vaguely forwards direction -- because otherwise I'd fall flat on my face. I need to stop, somehow, and work out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I need to make deliberate and considered choices to do the things that I want to do, rather than just carrying on mindlessly with everything that I'm already doing.

I know I can get the momentum back again if I want to for things that are worth it; now it's just a question of deciding what's worth it.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortably numb