January 15th, 2004


what was the question?

Interview this afternoon with MISD was mixed. I thought bits of it went quite well, and bits of it not so well. I don't really want to post-mortem it at great length, but I should hear a result by the end of next week.

Thank you to rmc28 for all the top tips from the inside, to lnr and fanf for joining in the pep talk at lunchtime, and to sion_a for remembering when the interview was and texting me good luck just before it. And all the people who wished me luck before; it really does help to know that some people care.
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in a timeless, placeless place

There are two phrases that keep coming into my mind: I'm just so tired and I want to go home. I don't even know what they mean any more, really. "Tired" is what happens between waking up and going to sleep. "Home" is something that happens to other people.

I can't go on like this. But I don't know how to stop.

I don't think I can even go on for another week like this. So I just go on for another day. And another. And another. And so on, until they days become... nothing. I haven't experienced a month for over 5 months. Just a string of days, and the occasional week.

I feel so hollow inside from crying and from not sleeping. I don't want to sleep now. Maybe I'll never sleep again. I don't want to draw lines between the days, you see. Then I won't have to live another day, I can just go on living this one, and telling myself that I'll give up tomorrow.

I can't see any future. I can't even see tomorrow morning. It'll happen whether I like it or not, but I can't envisage it, I can't plan for it. It'll just shake me rudely awake when the time comes, and there'll be nothing I can do about it, and I'll get up and get dressed and go out as if I'm still dreaming. Maybe I am.
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