November 10th, 2003


Houston, we have a problem...

This is driving me insane. I can't phone him; I send emails and never get any replies; we've had a few ytalk conversations but now ytalk doesn't work any more, and he's not replying to SMS.

He said he felt like the network connection to his computer in Cambridge was his last link with Cambridge; and now that's basically gone. I didn't think the network connection was that important, I thought there was more to the relationship than a couple of pieces of cat5, but now that it's gone I feel like he's drifting further and further away from me, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I just wish I could be his link to Cambridge, if he wants a link to the bloody place. I know I'm just as flaky as his "eccentric" hardware, but I'd like to think that I'm easier to talk to, and at least I'm not relying on ntl: for my ability to communicate.

I really need to talk to him, and there's no way I can do so. I'm not asking him to drop everything to talk to me, but I do wish he could commit to "Will email you this afternoon barring unforeseen emergencies", or even just "Busy with kids, will email you when they have grown up & left home", or something like that. Something that would allow me to just switch off and stop hoping for something that's not going to happen, at least in the short-term. I feel like I'm falling apart, I feel like the relationship is falling apart, and all I can do is sit here and watch.

I know the patchy communication isn't his fault -- some of it is just the technology not working, and the rest, well, he's busy, and he has a whole life up there that I'm never going to be part of -- but it still hurts.

He doesn't seem to read LJ any more (yet another avenue of communication closed...) so hopefully this won't count as pestering him even more. <sigh>

Update: And now he has emailed, and he's said all the things that I really needed him to say, and he's managed not to lose his temper with me despite the fact that I nearly buried him under a ton of 'argh pls email me now'-type messages. I feel a lot better about the things I was worrying about ... though now I feel guilty for whinging in public when he's doing his best with a difficult situation.

I really need to sort myself out, don't I. :-(
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Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Well, maybe that will teach me not to panic about momentary lapses in communication: I now seem to have done far more damage than good by stressing about it on LiveJournal. :-(

I don't think my distress earlier was hoiho's fault at all, and I really don't want other people to blame him for the fact that I'm neurotic and panicky. He's doing his utmost to keep in touch with me despite technical and practical difficulties, and he's being more patient than I could reasonably expect when I'm a great big quivering mess, and he really, really doesn't deserve to have me whinging about him in public in return.

I really do need to pull myself together somehow. :-(
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