September 24th, 2003


More job stress

The NHS want an application form filled in, although they didn't make this clear (or make the form available) before so I hoped I could just get away with a CV and covering letter. I haven't had time to do it (I loathe application forms anyway) and I need to phone them up and ask about the "how many days of absence due to sickness have you had in the last two years" question. I need to know how accurate they need it to be (I don't know how many, I don't have access to any records of it) and if I can find out subtly I want to know whether they check it with the employer.

And I've had email back from Analysys with three tests to do -- several hours' worth of tests -- as part of the selection process, which they want back "as soon as possible".

Wondering if I should spend Friday doing those applications instead of trying to get to the job fair that I was going to go to -- I don't know how useful the job fair would be; it sounded like a good idea but I wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself of that because if I can look for jobs I feel like I'm doing something.

I feel like I really shouldn't be going away at the weekend, as well, because I should be applying for jobs pretty much non-stop now that I know I won't have much work from ProQuest after the end of September; but I've got tickets for the event at the weekend and I don't want to waste the money.

On the other hand looking at the tests from Analysys I can't help feeling that I'm really overestimating my abilities in the jobs I'm applying for; being surrounded by frighteningly-intelligent people whose attitude is "You can do anything you want to do!" is all very well but in their case they can do anything they want to. I can't. I really honestly feel like I should just give up on the idea of trying to get a job that requires some kind of skill, and look for bar work or shop work or something instead.

I feel sick every time I think about it. Being in this job for three years has killed what little ability I had to think, and I can't see any way of getting that ability back. I have no skills and there's nothing I want to do anyway. I don't want to have to work. I don't really want to have to live, to be honest.
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