June 2nd, 2003


I can connect / Nothing with nothing

This post is not generated with the aid of the Apathetic Livejournal Entry Generator.

I can't concentrate, can't focus, can't get my brain in gear to do anything. I've been back at ProQuest (as a freelancer) since last Wednesday now, and I've done maybe a day's work, if that. I can't motivate myself to actually get stuff done. I just sit and faff. Or stare at the screen.

I'm failing to pay bills, to write job applications, to make doctor's/dentist's/optician's appointments. I'm failing to make phonecalls, to sort things out, to do any of the useful life-maintenance that I need to do. And not managing to do gradings yesterday has made me feel like even more of a failure than I did before.

It's not just official/work-related stuff, either; I feel like I'm letting everything slide socially as well. People who've actually received personal email from me in the last month or so, you're lucky. I seem to be managing irc and news -- somehow they feel less stressful, lower maintenance -- but anything more personal just seems to be drifting. I feel like I'm going to social events and not contributing anything; whether I'm literally just staring into the middle distance, or tiredly recycling the same conversations with the same people.

I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I'm not sure what.

In the background, back pain and stomach pains. I'm no longer sure whether one's causing the other (either way round); whether they're both caused by stress; whether I'm making them persist because subconsciously I feel that that way it's an ongoing excuse for me failing to do anything; whether I have some real Illness that's causing all these pains, or whether I'm just a whiny bitch.

Haven't got my act together to see a doctor yet though (see above), or indeed an osteopath, and don't have much faith in most medical practitioners at the best of times anyway. And not sure an osteopath will be much help if the pains are stress-induced rather than actual muscle problems.

I don't know any more. I'm tired, and my back hurts, and I just want to go back to bed and sleep for a week or so.
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