I feel like I'm a million miles away from everybody in all the ways that matter. I don't feel like I'm connecting with anybody. I feel twitchy and irritable and tired and headachey, and I don't know whether I want to scream and throw things or just burst into tears and hide in a corner.
I really must stop flirting with people who aren't interested in me, because it just creates angst for me and for the people who are
interested -- in me or in the people I flirt with. And I really must moderate my drinking; that way at least I'll only have myself to blame for acting like an idiot.
I wish there was some way I could
avoid getting caught up in friends' arguments, but I don't see how I can avoid it completely
without ignoring one or both of the friends. I've had one of my best friends phoning me up in tears and emailing me frantically all day, because everything seems to be going wrong between her and her boyfriend; meanwhile, he
seems to be finally starting to talk to me as a friend again after the year or so of angry silence (and later just uncomfortable silence) that followed a messy flamewar on a mailing list, but of course now I feel like I'm betraying her
by getting back into his
good books when he's upsetting her this much.
I feel like it's a complete farce to say that I'm "going out with" anybody at the moment, since I'm barely managing to keep in touch with any of my partners. I only keep "in touch with" sion_a
by merit of living in the same house as him. Makes me wonder if they only stay with me because, well, they hardly have to see me anyway, so it's more effort to go through all the hassle of splitting up.
[BTW I'm not disallowing comments here, but I really don't
want a generic "you're not useless" followup to any of this, because I don't think it will help particularly. I'm talking about how I feel, rather than fishing for compliments.]
A friend emailed me the other day telling me some good news but prefacing it with "I know I'm a long way out of your friends loop at the moment". I still haven't been able to reply; I don't know how to engage with his resignation to the fact that he isn't a close
friend, because in a lot of ways he isn't
-- partly because he objects so strongly to some of my closest friends for reasons that I simply can't understand
, and partly just because our schedules, our interests, our lives
are so different in so many ways. Also, it's hard to have a close-friends relationship -- a relationship between equals
-- when one feels like one's playing the role of counsellor more than that of friend.
be hometime now. Time to run away and hide, failing to keep appointments, failing to do anything. Sometimes I just feel like all I want to do is sleep.