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calendars of our lives circled with compromise - shadows of echoes of memories of songs
j4
j4
calendars of our lives circled with compromise
There are insufficient days in the average week.

I was planning to go to Erotica on Sunday 21st November, but now I've got an orchestra concert on that day, which means I will have to go to Erotica on the Saturday (and get back in time for a party that night) or Friday (and take a day off work).

On the plus side, orchestra half term is next week (which I hadn't realised until this week) which means I can, should I so wish, go and see the Magnetic Fields again at the Corn Exchange next Wednesday. On the other hand it probably won't be as good as the Festival Hall gig was, and it'll cost money, & I could be using the time to do one of the million billion things I'm not going to get done otherwise... we'll see.

Pub tomorrow, clubbing on Friday (rah!), party on Saturday, and then I was vaguely thinking of going up to Manchester on Sunday to see the misc-type-folk, but I'm just not sure I can face that much train-travel. Out for dinner on Monday, singing on Tuesday, possibly gig on Wednesday, pub on Thursday, our party on Saturday, recovering on Sunday ... and that was the end of Solomon Grundy.

I do not have a cold. I do not have a cough. I have chased them both away by sheer force of will. There are more interesting things to do than be ill.
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Comments
From: besskeloid Date: October 20th, 2004 02:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
I was vaguely thinking of going up to Manchester on Sunday to see the misc-type-folk, but I'm just not sure I can face that much train-travel.

You can do it! Hurrah for Janet!
j4 From: j4 Date: October 20th, 2004 02:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
No, but, like, not being funny, but it's about 9 hours on the train for the sake of 4 hours in the pub!
From: besskeloid Date: October 20th, 2004 03:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
'Kay, let it be your day of rest then. Nine feckin' hours! Cripes!
j4 From: j4 Date: October 20th, 2004 05:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
KITTEN IN A BUCKET! (love the icon :-)

I'm sorry about the m34t. If I wasn't busy on Saturday I'd just come up the night before & crash somewhere closer, which would make it a saner travel/stay ratio; but no can do this time.
From: besskeloid Date: October 20th, 2004 05:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
No need for appo logies. You've got such a packed week already.
imc From: imc Date: October 21st, 2004 06:24 am (UTC) (Link)
Of course, that's not the only party scheduled for Saturday. :-)

I'm thinking of popping in to the m34t on the way back to Oxford on Sunday afternoon as it would be K3\/\/L to have been at two m34ts in two weeks, but I haven't discussed this with bopeepsheep yet and it involves not being rude to my brother and s-i-l by disappearing only moments after they've arrived at some as yet unspecified time that afternoon.
verlaine From: verlaine Date: October 20th, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
My life was just like that until I ran out of money, and now it's lots of nights in in front of the TV. But just you wait until after payday!
j4 From: j4 Date: October 20th, 2004 05:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Shop as if money were a consensus hallucination!

At least, that's what I do, and ... oh crap, that'll be the guys from the HSBC beating my door down now.
kaberett From: kaberett Date: October 20th, 2004 02:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have chased them both away by sheer force of will.

You *must* teach me how to do that :)
j4 From: j4 Date: October 20th, 2004 05:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hah. Given that I'm still coughing myself awake at 01:38, I think I'd make a lousy teacher. :-/

I am determined to be All Better by Friday though. Pub tomorrow will help -- it's a little-known fact* that beer kills all known germs.

* which may be little-known because it's not actually true
(Deleted comment)
j4 From: j4 Date: October 20th, 2004 05:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: automatic poetry

<grin> I realised after I'd posted it that it was sort of doggerel. Or perhaps badgerel. But I figured I might as well leave it like that & see if anybody else picked up on it... you win the virtual prize. :)
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: October 21st, 2004 01:31 am (UTC) (Link)

eek!

GBP 16.50 plus travel for a surfeit of lampreys, on Saturday? When you have so many things to save your energy for, and plenty (I gather) of corsets and other clothes to wear to your rehearsals, parties, dinners-out, and gigs?

[blinks, having looked briefly at the Erotica website] That's a lot of thongs and schlongs in one exhibition[ist] hall....

Just a thought: save the money and the energy until the next Erotica; there will be another, sex will never be out of fashion.

I'll get my coat. Hope you have a lovely w/e.
j4 From: j4 Date: October 21st, 2004 01:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: eek!

But it's fun! And I need some new shoes. :) Really, I do. BIG SHINY SHOES. Don't tell sion_a, though -- I'll smuggle them into the house & only wear them when he's not looking...

I also really enjoy the people-watching aspect of it.
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: October 21st, 2004 02:41 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: eek!

ah, well, one woman's food, another's poison - I'd be physically ill there, but thankfully people aren't all alike :-)

but really, truly, BIG SHINY SHOES can only be had there, then, at such a cost?

Actually, just because I'm under the cosh financially at the moment is no reason to beat others over the head.

As to telling anyone - hey, just don't put the new shoes in front of the telly! :-)))
j4 From: j4 Date: October 21st, 2004 04:34 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: eek!

but really, truly, BIG SHINY SHOES can only be had there, then, at such a cost?

Well, no, obviously it's not the only place in the world to buy shoes. But if I wanted to buy fetishy shoes (and I do!) I would probably have to go to London (so the travel would cost just as much -- but at least I still have a YP Railcard) and I'd have to trail round lots of different shops in different places with miles of rainy streets between them, rather than lots of different shops from all over the country in one place, under one roof, in the warm and dry, often with special offers and discounts if you buy then and there. And even if I don't buy then and there it means that I can try things on and buy them over the web later.

No, I don't need the big shiny shoes. I don't need to buy anything: I have a roof over my head, I have more than enough clothes to wear, and there's probably enough food in the house that I wouldn't starve for a month, though by the end of that month I'd probably be quite sick of rice and tuna.

I suspect that a significant portion of your household income is spent on your happy home and perfect child. Ask yourself to what extent you think a pile of shiny shoes would compensate for those, and don't judge me too harshly for taking pleasure in shallow things.
anat0010 From: anat0010 Date: October 21st, 2004 06:23 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: eek!

Go for the shoes !!!!
You know you want to. Money is for pleasing yourself and your inner most desires. (once you get past the tuna, rice and rent level).

Personally I bought some nice shiny ex-Russian Officer knee high parade boots from a dodgy chap in the US. The wonders of the internet never cease to amaze me. I now goose-step around the house, but aren't allowed out in them unless I hide them under long trousers. :-(

Next on the list is a black jumpsuit and space helmet and I can pretend to be a Blakes-7 Federation Stormtrooper. yay !

Actually I'm waiting for next Laibach concert when I can wear them in anger. Rah !
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: October 21st, 2004 12:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: eek!

No judgement intended at all - happy home and perfect child are (a) illusory [note prev. friends-only posts] and (b) essentially incredibly hard, hard work and by and large I feel I have bugger all talent for either. It isn't always happy and the kiddo ain't perfect by a long shot and I doubt my life every single day. So don't judge me too harshly either.

I was just remembering *your* expressions of despair and misery about too many shoes and not enough money and not enough energy. People are allowed to have ambiguities and self-contradictions, of course! But naturally, keeping in mind that I am on your side, not a hostile observer, I thought to myself: ah, a few days ago she was very unhappy about Being Too Many Shoes In Front of the Telly and struggling with dosh, and now she's planning on more shoes: hm. Does a friend comment?

Do I not tell you? What's the role of a friend, here?

I also have a truckload of shoes, but I am working at getting rid of them - which you inspired me to do.

Shoes don't compensate for no family and family doesn't compensate for no fulfilling job and fulfilling job doesn't compensate for no leisure and leisure doesn't compensate for no money and money doesn't compensate for no vocation in life and even a vocation doesn't compensate for no particular talent.

Things are what they are in their own right: shiny shoes are great, as shiny shoes. A child is a child, him/herself, not a compensation for anything. In fact, to believe otherwise ruins the child's life and one's own.

I quite take your point about doing research on shiny, fetishy shoes in one convenient place. In your place I would be inclined to do the same thing. As I'm not you, I would probably be very cowardly and not go, persuading myself that money and other things would make it not ultimately in my own best interest at this time, but I'm not you.

And I'm not judging you. You go for it. I'm enjoying my new shoes (non-fetishy, alas, but new, comfy, and not hopelessly outdated) so who am I to point any toes at anyone? Eh?

j4 From: j4 Date: October 22nd, 2004 02:33 am (UTC) (Link)

No subject

a few days ago she was very unhappy about Being Too Many Shoes In Front of the Telly

I go through phases of being unhappy with the living arrangements here, because who-I-am doesn't always sit terribly comfortably with who-sion_a-is. I feel guilty for taking up space in his house, for ruining his life, and that essentially boils down to feeling guilty for existing; I suspect even if I gave away all the stuff I didn't actually need I'd still feel that from time to time, because it's only an external symptom of an internal feeling.

If living with sion_a occasionally makes me feel guilty for being who I am, does that mean I should change who I am? If it makes me feel guilty for existing, does that mean I should stop existing? I try to come to reasonable compromises. But I often think that my ceasing to exist would solve an awful lot of problems.

Things are what they are in their own right: shiny shoes are great, as shiny shoes. A child is a child, him/herself, not a compensation for anything. In fact, to believe otherwise ruins the child's life and one's own.

I'm not suggesting that a child is a compensation for anything; quite the opposite: I'm suggesting that one of the reasons I fill my life with mountains of things is that I don't have the meaning and purpose in my life that you do. Shiny shoes are nice, but they'll never have a conversation with me (and if the conversations you report with Child on LJ aren't just fiction, he's more articulate at preschool age than many adults I know) -- they're just things, they're not with me, they're not of me, I can't love them.

I'm not judging you harshly, I'm just envious; but then, you're a good person, you deserve a good life.
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: October 22nd, 2004 06:02 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: No subject

Funny - sometimes I think I've ruined 'II's life.

However, not only is this highly likely to be untrue (for both you and Sion, and 'Im Indoors and me), in my case (mine, not yours) I think this is a form of introverted egotism on my part: he has the right and the duty to decide who and what does or does not ruin his life. If I respect him at all I have to accept his judgement, both as to ruination-or-not, and as to what happens next.

Changing who we are is an interesting concept. Some people posit that we either work on truly becoming ourselves or on increasingly divorcing our real selves from our externally-configured self; other people suggest that we change who we are, inevitably, through the mutual processes of time passing and the effects of our choices.

You ask: If living with sion_a occasionally makes me feel guilty for being who I am, does that mean I should change who I am? If it makes me feel guilty for existing, does that mean I should stop existing? I try to come to reasonable compromises. But I often think that my ceasing to exist would solve an awful lot of problems.

In reverse order, no, ceasing to exist would not solve a lot of problems, except notionally for you; but everyone else left would be up the creek without a paddle in eight million ways for the rest of their lives.

That option, therefore, set aside: living with Sion gives you occasional bouts of deep, serious guilt about Stuff physical and metaphorical. Should you change who you are? I think it's inevitable that you will change 'who you are' no matter what: you might continue to live with him, and with guilt, and the effects of that will change you; you might eventually move house, and that will be a change of 'who you are'; or you might change some of your other habits and interests, or hold them in abeyance, not move house, and see where that gets you.

I am not recommending any one course of action, just thinking out loud.

I love shoes, all of them, even the ones which would make me look like a sow dressed up as a Victorian tart if I could even get them to go on. I would buy them and put them in a cabinet to stroke.

However, spending two hours at the bank this morning addressing my debts has made me consider what I could run up in papier-mache, 'cos I ain't gonna be buying shoes for some little time. 'Kin'ell, and the ruined kitchen floor is like papier-mache as well. Maybe I can make some shoes out of splinters of bamboo....

Please put up some shoe gifs for me to drool over...?

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