Janet (j4) wrote,


I tried to phone my mum last night because she doesn't mind when I just phone up and cry at her for an hour but she wasn't in and my dad answered and much though I love my dad he doesn't do girly emotional stuff so we had half a conversation about email accounts and his collection of Nigerian spam because he collects it and writes about it and people find out that it is all a hoax by reading his web page so I suppose it's a public service and I offered him a gmail invite but he didn't want one which reminds me I have 5 if anybody wants one but everybody's got them now so probably nobody does want one and in the end I just curled up around my giant badger and cried and cried and got his fur all wet though he didn't mind or at least he didn't say so if he did and then I thought maybe going to the pub would help because I could drink and try to forget about everything and it sort of worked and we won free beer and both the people I didn't marry are still nice people to talk to though one is more odd than the other though he did give me books so that's nice and Steve gave me and Sion a lift home which was good of him and I didn't cry at all even when I got home and checked mail and everything and I lay in the bath until it went cold three times over and had to be topped up each time just reading a Saint book which I've forgotten to bring into work with me which is a shame because I could do with it now but baths are safe and warm and work is neither and my team are all in meetings and I wish they were here because they are good people and it will be a shame to leave this job to move elsewhere for reasons that no longer count to do something I won't be able to do anyway and I feel so fucking cold despite the coffee and my head aches because of the coffee and because of the lack of sleep because in the end I didn't sleep until 3am and the screen is too bright and the room is too bright and the noise of my typing is too loud and I'm still cold so cold and if I could just vanish out of existence and never have been right now I would do it without a moment's thought which is the wish that nobody guessed but what use are wishes anyway
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