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Notes to self - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
Notes to self
1. Requests for communication always result in a complete cessation of communication. Possible action: stop requesting communication from people who despise me? Remain silent for rest of life? (Would even that be enough?)

2. Holidays do not help. I always end up taking with me the thing from which I most require a holiday. Possible action: find a job which doesn't allow holiday? Get rid of the thing from which I require a holiday?
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From: besskeloid Date: August 14th, 2004 04:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
No-one despises you. No-one whatsoever.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's sadly untrue. Though it's possible that the people who I feel despise me don't actually.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 06:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Actually s/possible/probable, that I'm skewed on how I think people think of me, I mean, when I'm in the kind of murky mood I was in earlier.
juggzy From: juggzy Date: August 14th, 2004 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've emailed you, you wally.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 05:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know! I wasn't getting at you! And besides, I didn't request communication; I just said I'd email you, and you phoned me and SMS'd me and stuff. Which was cool, and helped. And stopped me posting a long whiny rant to LiveJournal which would have just made things infinitely worse. Thank you.

(Oh, okay, I suppose I did request communication in that I asked you to remind me if I didn't get in touch with you, but that doesn't count. Really.)
(Deleted comment)
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 05:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hah. I basically nicked point 2 from someone else. See reply to next comment.

Thank you for offers of ears/escape-routes/etc. If I don't get in touch it's not because I feel I can't, but because I don't think it'll help. I hope you're not offended by that.
(Deleted comment)
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 06:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Mrrr. The willingness-to-help can actually sometimes be another guilt-trigger (this is NOT anybody else's fault and I wouldn't really want people to not be willing to help, IYSWIM) because then I feel guilty for not-being-able-to-be-helped.

Yes, okay, I can bootstrap guilt out of thin air. Maybe I have Catholic genes.

But thank you anyway, really-thank-you not just thank-you-for-your-support-I'll-wear-it-always. *hugs*
bjh21 From: bjh21 Date: August 14th, 2004 04:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
Point 2 resonates with something my mum mentioned she'd read when I phoned her earlier today (to try to organise my summer holiday): The problem with going on holiday is that you have to take yourself along.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 05:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Was she by any chance reading Alain de Botton's "The Art of Travel"? Because that's where I borrowed the idea from. Or rather the phrasing of the idea. Though it was something that resonated with me when I read it, because it was something I'd thought before in different forms, by way of Jackson Browne song-lyrics and, well, just knowing that I can't outrun my shadow. </ramble>
bjh21 From: bjh21 Date: August 15th, 2004 03:18 am (UTC) (Link)
That's the bunny, yes.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 14th, 2004 05:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Having returned from the longest real holiday I've had in a decade, I'd say the other problem is that you have to bring yourself back. And now you notice that the not-on-holiday life you have is like hospital food without the screaming.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 05:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ah. I sympathise, but it's not really like that for me. The not-on-holiday life is easier, because I don't feel so much like I should be enjoying myself, being grateful, etc. Also I have a better net connection in the not-on-holiday life. And I speak the language (well, more or less) here.

Though I do have fewer mountains.

But then, even mountains are a poor substitute for love.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 14th, 2004 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)

...I should be enjoying myself

*toes curl up involuntarily*

being grateful, etc

*Ominous crackling noises from my big toe* and I now have toenail marks on the soles of my feet.

Yuk! The sense that you ought to be 'having fun' is revolting. Enough make you turn to gin. No, wait...

As for mountains being a poor substitute for love, I have no advice whatsoever: there is nothing useful to say. The most emotionally-satisfying thing I've done today is spraying fungicide in the bathroom. And today's a good day.


I really mean it about advice: my angular-but-enthusiastic friend on holiday turns out to have a baby, a boyfriend and a joint mortgage in her not-on-holiday life. Pairs of skinny people should remain Just Good Friends, it's less bruising.
j4 From: j4 Date: August 14th, 2004 06:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
The sense that you ought to be 'having fun' is revolting.

And the worst thing is, the only person who imposes that sense on me is ... well, take a guess... yup, it's me.

I mean, my parents (and my sister and her surprisingly-nice[1] boyfriend, for that matter) were lovely about the holiday, my parents said they didn't mind if I wanted to do stuff with them or not-with-them, or whatever, or just bum around the house and do nothing, they just wanted to see me & thought I needed a holiday. And they paid for the flights and the trains and everything, and I felt awful for not enjoying myself more, and not seeming grateful.

[1] "Surprisingly" not particularly because I expected him to be awful, but more because I default to a bizarrely possessive kind of subconscious feeling that nobody can possibly be good enough for my little sister.

Enough make you turn to gin.

Gin is lovely. We do not "turn to" gin, we embrace it. Trust gin. Gin is your friend.

Though actually tonight I have had no gin, but a lot of l*ger. (It needed using up, okay? It was a long way over its best-before.)

a baby, a boyfriend and a joint mortgage

Poo. :-/

Though to be fair I have had two out of three of those and it hasn't stopped me being available for more-than-friendship in the right circs. But I am very aware that this doesn't work for everybody, so, um.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 14th, 2004 07:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Does it suck, like a vacuum cleaner with hiccoughs, to be sharing a house with a couple when you're single? Ewwww yuk. Everything they say and do rubs it in that you're not getting any. You end up keeping a bucket of cold water to throw over them at some particularly unhygienic moment of squelchy public affection. Or cool parts of yourself down because everything and everyone gets saturated with the pheremones.

Oh, and the possessive subconscious feeling for younger brothers and sisters isn't bizarre at all. Quite common, in fact. So's the converse emotion: looking at your older sister's boyfriend and thinking: "Poor bastard, does he know what he's in for?", and taking him for a pint.

I know whereof I speak.

j4 From: j4 Date: August 15th, 2004 02:19 am (UTC) (Link)
My sister & her boyfriend are about the least demonstrative couple I've ever seen. I think I saw her touch his arm kind-of-affectionately, once, in the course of the week.

I would gladly take him for a pint except that he's teetotal. A pint of coke would do, though, I suppose. :) He did cope remarkably well with the full force of McKnightery, though; even I find it a bit of a culture-shock when I go home, god only knows how it feels to an outsider.

And I've never lived with a couple while being single. I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14, unless you count the current situation (basically, I'm going out with somebody who isn't going out with me). I don't know how to be single. I have no idea how to do the most basic things, like eat and sleep and whatever, without "a partner" somewhere -- even if they're not there, even if they never actually contact me or anything -- to validate my existence. Which, of course, means that I'm not enough of a person in my own right to have anything to give to a relationship, so it's no wonder they don't last.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 15th, 2004 02:48 am (UTC) (Link)


...Then they are one of the most considerate couples I know of, and I can only wish them well. Couples live in some kind of other time-and-space to the rest of us and they are kind of oblivious.

Of course, they may have been on their Best Behaviour: all families are a bit of a culture-shock and rather overwhelming. Even to insiders, at times. The most intimidating experience I've had is a trial by ordeal meted out to all 'serious' boyfriends in County Antrim: tea with the sweet little old ladies of the Parish. One of whom was as deaf as a post, another appeared to be reliving last Wednesday, and in her lucid moments kept up her end of the conversation from two or three questions behind the rest of them. All of whom were very, very careful not to mention the fact that I was a Catholic and they very, very definitely weren't. A bit like Don't Mention The War when speaking to Germans.

j4 From: j4 Date: August 15th, 2004 03:44 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Undemonstrative

one of the most considerate couples I know of

Or else they're just not the demonstrative kind. Some people aren't.

Couples live in some kind of other time-and-space to the rest of us and they are kind of oblivious

With due respect, that's a sweeping generalisation. There are plenty of couples who don't behave like this, who are quite capable of not letting the fact that they're living together / sleeping together / etc. interfere with the day-to-day at all. Admittedly people in the throes of New Relationship Energy (or whatever it's called this week) do tend to be rather wrapped up in each other, but IME that period only lasts for about 3 weeks before you start throwing furniture at each other.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 15th, 2004 03:09 am (UTC) (Link)

I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14

Lucky, lucky you. Of course, it isn't luck: you are someone that people like to be with, for reasons you'll probably never believe. Lucky you, too, going out with somebody who isn't going out with me, that you are among poly people: everyone else would've had The Conversation about that, and shut the door in a very final "Let's just be friends and I'll try ever so hard not to say 'F**k off and die' to your face" kind of way.

I got used to eating and sleeping and just being together over a five year period and when it ended I never adjusted to being 'single'. It's never a bed, it's an empty bed; it's never a meal, it's always </i>eating alone</i>; it's always there, the sense of incompleteness and an existence that really does need something to validate it. Once you've given that bit of yourself in a relationship you never are enough of a person in your own right again - or maybe you never were, but now you notice.

And you'll never know what it is that you give: I don't think anybody ever does.

Nile the relationship counsellor. No relation to Captain John Smith the Steering Around Icebergs consultant.

j4 From: j4 Date: August 15th, 2004 04:01 am (UTC) (Link)
No, it's isn't luck: it's the sort of hopeless clinginess that means I'll go out with even the most unsuitable people rather than try to confront and control my own life, rather than try to find any sort of meaning and purpose within myself.

Also, being easy helps. It's amazing what people will put up with if they think they'll get a shag out of it.

Lucky you, too, _going out with somebody who isn't going out with me_, that you are among poly people

Wrong again, sorry. I'm going out with a married man whose wife doesn't know, and will never know. He'll never leave her. My "poly" friends mostly a) think he is Evil Incarnate (they're wrong) and b) disapprove of the whole thing anyway (they're probably right). I'm not really supposed to talk about it. Friends mostly change the subject if I even so much as mention him. Unfortunately, he's absolutely everything I've ever wanted, except, well, available.

At the moment there's only one way I can see to resolve the situation, really.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 15th, 2004 04:49 am (UTC) (Link)
You're right, that isn't luck.
hairyears From: hairyears Date: August 15th, 2004 06:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Witter of Discontent

He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
I, that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's Majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
I, that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
Deformed, unfinish'd, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to spy my shadow in the sun
And descant on mine own deformity:
And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a villain

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