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Time with you ought not be leftovers from everything else that has been done. Wholeheartedness is the acknowledgement that yes, money has to be earned, and some time needs to be spent on one's soul/innerbeing/etc, but otherwise, you are the person of choice, and everyone else is in some way, actually, an add-on. You deserve to be someone's first choice, and that someone should be in a position to act on that choice, and be able to accept what you have to give - which is considerable.
But you have the right to miss anyone. You're right, you can't help it, and why should you put yourself in a false position by denying your own truth?
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something loveable, something interesting enough for somebody to be willing to put up with it hanging around all their life
You are loveable and you are interesting - maybe not simultaneously, all the time. But that isn't required of you nor of anybody else. It isn't possible. Being an imperfect human isn't a good reason to decidethat one doesn't deserve to be someone else's primary.
Some of the time you might be a "neurotic child", but you definitely aren't that all of the time, either. You've got lots of adult in there and even some bit of parent wanting to struggle out from time to time :-) - Frex, you did a very adult thing in refusing to go bowling and in determining to meet your deadlines. Very row-your-own-boat decision. You deserve to have that acknowledged, and OK, my doing so isn't the same as immediate respect from your boss or colleagues, but I think it's a very respectable decision, honest and right, and I say go, you, for respecting yourself and your work.
willing to put up with it You're not an "it", you're a human being with all the bits.
Some of which may contradict each other, but what of it?
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The bits of parent wanting to struggle out are something I think I need to try to repress or get rid of altogether, somehow.
That's a very Parental statement, actually.
But this: I don't want the co-parent of my children to be somebody who sees me as just a stop-gap between their real commitments is BRILLIANT, adult, spot-on thinking: YES, yes, YES!!! You are SO RIGHT.
Here's another parental statement: what on earth kind of a mess would they be with me for a parent?) Sheesh; what parent is that? Some awfully condemning and heavy-handed one who is crushing to a child and insulting to an adult, but not the kind of parent you'd be. You wouldn't say that to a child of your own, you're too caring.
If you physically can't have kids I'm immensely sorry that you have that particular row to hoe. I have three close friends in that state of being and it does take a shedload of time and effort to work through it; they have, I'm happy to report, and have an immense capacity for love and fun.
Your hypothetical children would be well-loved and enjoy your passionate commitment, and that is really all that matters. You would be loyal to them to the best of your considerable ability. And they would be merry, thoughtful, articulate, wiity, lovers of music and beauty; as well as stroppy, sometimes mean, sometimes dirty, sometimes clean [/Shirley Hughes] --- in other words, quite normal human beings, but having your delightful qualities in good measure.
And as those are partly nurture, as well as nature, if you and A.N. Other, the one who is able to commit to you, that is, end up adopting you'll still have lovely kids.
Negative thinking usually involves believing one can accurately predict the future and it Will Be Bad - but most folks actually don't have some accurate crystal ball, and the chances are at least 50-50 that Things Will Turn Out Better than one thinks.
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From:  hairyears |
Date:
July 21st, 2004 12:09 pm (UTC)
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Re: wholeheartedness
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In those cases I've not so much been their first choice (they don't tend to see that they have any right to "choose" because Nobody Would Want Them Anyway) as the person that they might, under duress, be prepared to admit isn't pushing them away.
I should splutter indignantly and say "How can she say that? How cruel!" but I don't want to clean the coffee out of the keyboard twice in a day. That, and I've seen it, and know damn' well it's true, and quite close enough to home, too.
So what? It's only 'those cases' and it's their problem, not yours. Sad cases are not the whole world and you are surrounded by rather better material... and I've seen them choose you, at least two different people who were both desirable and desired. As far as I can judge such a thing, anyway.
I really don't think I'd know what to do if somebody actually wanted to spend time with me first and foremost.
You'll think of something: you really do have a lot to give. Or maybe I don't know you at all and should just shut up.
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