Janet (j4) wrote,

  • Music:

And all my friends and all their jobs and all the bloody waste

Interview yesterday at CUP (for the position of Development Editor: Humanities and Social Sciences) went okay -- I don't have high hopes for it, but it wasn't as dreadful as some other interviews I've had. And the "short test" they'd threatened turned out to be quite fun; they said "Here's the proposal for a book [it was a Political Philosophy textbook], here's the first chapter and some notes from the author; write the blurb, 200 words max." This is the sort of thing that an English degree is for, goddamnit: blatant bullshitting and spurious soundbiting. (And also alliteration, and assonance.)

Skiving off work early for the interview meant that I got home earlier than usual, so I had a while to play with Patricia before it got dark (mostly just cleaning her windows, having decided it'd be nice to be able to see out of them). I was going to clean the spark plugs but they're so tightly wedged on that I couldn't budge them. :-( Will have to get somebody stronger to do them and then NOT TIGHTEN THEM SO MUCH.

(Checked the radiator and it seemed to be more full than it had been at the weekend. Surely this can't be possible? Or does this mean something else is leaking into it somewhere?)


Work today has been pretty depressing on the whole. I have got some work done, but only markup, which is tedious and unrewarding and, quite frankly, the sort of thing they could probably train chimps to do. On the other hand, we did get email telling us that we'll get a 2.5% bonus ... which is good, in that it might put my current account back into the black; but at the same time I can't help feeling that I've done nothing to deserve it, that it's just as meaningless as everything else.

I haven't been keeping up the diary of how much money I've spent at all. I'm going to start again as of today, because while I've failed so far that doesn't mean I have to carry on failing. I'll see if I can back-fill the days I didn't keep track (I've been keeping receipts, in the hope of catching up at some point), but going forward, keeping going from now rather than worrying about then, is more important.

I tried ages ago to move my cc balance to a new cc account, so that at least I wouldn't be paying interest; it's taken two months so far to persuade First Direct to do anything useful. I received an application form in the post yesterday but couldn't believe that filling in all my details on the web just resulted in them sending me another application form to fill in; so I phoned again today, to be told that all I have to do is sign that form, and send it back. "But presumably I'll have to fill in some of my details, so that you know who this signature is from?" I asked, puzzled. "Oh -- yeah," says the droid (who had the same birthdate as me). "Just put your name and date of birth, and ... hang on, here's your ID number; write on the form that you've already filled this information in on the web, and quote your ID number." For heaven's sake. You'd think they'd never done this before! However, hopefully soon I will have a new cc account, so I can pay it off without having to pay the interest as well.

Despite laziness on my part and uselessness on First Direct's, I have been sticking to the spirit of the money diet, namely trying not to spend too much money. I don't think I've bought any items of clothing since I decided to try to keep a money diary, I've definitely bought no CDs, and I've bought very few books (but then I haven't been reading any either). I have bought random gifts for people that I probably shouldn't be buying, but I tend to think that making people smile is more important than having lots of money in the bank. Maybe this is why I never have any money... now if only I was always smiling as well. :-/

It annoys me that I have to think about money at all. I don't like money, though obviously I like the things it can buy. But it feels like I have to keep concentrating on the money anyway, just to keep it coming in and not all going out again. I resent that. I don't dream of being rich. I dream of being able to afford to buy things for people when they need them and can't afford them, and when I can make them happy by buying them things. I dream of being able to pay my share in pubs and restaurants without worrying about the cost.

However, these aren't worthwhile dreams, according to a fellow LJ user. My dreams, apparently, should be all fire and air and other naff pseudo-pagan imagery, rather than concentrating on mundane things like being what I want to be, and doing what I want to do. Or rather, the things I want to be and do shouldn't be realistic. If I needed one more thing to make me really depressed today, it's being told that I should be trying to "change the world", when I have enough trouble just living in it from day to day. It's bad enough that my reality doesn't live up to my expectations; being told that my dreams don't live up to somebody's expectations is just ... beyond.

I don't particularly want to change the world; what is "the world" anyway? None of us experiences "the world" as a single entity; we experience our own world, our own subset of what's out there. The biggest way in which I could change my world would be by dying; because then my unique viewpoint would cease to exist. Maybe changing the world isn't always a good thing, hm?

No, I don't really want to radically change it; I just want to make the tiny bit of it that I inhabit benefit from my being there, or at least not be worse off for it. I want to be the best that I can be, not try to live up to somebody else's dreams. Perhaps if I had superpowers that allowed me to stop wars, and make trees grow, and bring fluffy bunny rabbits back to life, then I'd have dreams about changing the world. As it is, the dreams I have (of making the people around me happy, of making people's lives better) are quite unattainable enough for me as a vision that will never be reached but will keep on driving me forwards; I certainly don't see what sitting around dreaming about Big Ideas like World Peace is going to achieve.

I dream of doing things, rather than spending all my time dreaming. And (as one great dreamer said) "there's the rub". My imaginings of being able to do things are so vivid that they paralyse me; dreaming about doing things -- even just the tiny day-to-day things that I fail to do -- captivates my mind to the extent where I can't even get up from my chair and do anything.

I dream of not being hurt, not being affected by it when people tell me that my dreams are as worthless as my life.
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