I think at least one of the reasons why my libido seems to be more likely to show itself with people who I don't see so often is that there seems to be more pressure to Do Stuff Now, because the person won't be there to Do Stuff later (though sometimes this works the other way, and the pressure just makes me go all wibbly and useless). Of course the implication of this is that I'm taking
The word "procrasturbation" has just popped into my head. I had to share it with you. Feel free to assign it a meaning. :-)
Anyway... the idea of trying to schedule sex just makes me feel a bit icky, to be honest; it takes all the spontaneity out of it, and I think it'd make me feel far too pressured. (Scheduling "quality time" isn't so bad, somehow, as there's no pressure to do anything specific with that time.) But I'm starting to wonder if it's worth trying it, as I just feel more and more guilty about being such a crap girlfriend.
That's the sex and the pizza... I lied about the lies. (Oh, except in that case I didn't lie. But I did. But I ... "Oh dear," said Janet, "I hadn't thought of that!" and disappeared in a puff of paradox.)
Other stuff did happen beside picking up my lovely lovely lovely [okay, that's enough -- Ed.] car. Went into town to try to get the tax disc for my car, only to find that I didn't have the logbook and they wouldn't give me a tax disc without it -- hrmph. Went to Sainsburys to pick up stuff for dinner, only to find that Sainsburys didn't have half the things we wanted for our stir-fry. Had to pick up water-chestnuts and bamboo shoots from the Nasreen Dar instead. Sainsburys did have nice fruit though. When we got home,
That evening
It was strange being at a party and not drinking -- and the fact that I found it strange suggests that maybe I need to do it more often, or drink more moderately at parties. There were times when I just felt really out of the whole thing -- partly because
Giving Fi a lift home in my lovely [stop right there -- Ed.] car was entertaining, especially when we started smelling burning... still no idea what was causing that, though she seems to be running fine now. Thanks to
Faffy kind of day, mostly because we were all tired. Had a nice fried brunch eventually and then
After
I don't know what happened to Monday, everything just seemed to go pearshaped. I felt like everybody was being unbelievably irritating, though in retrospect I think it was me being unbelievably irritable. Over the last few days I've been stopping taking the antidepressants (because I am sick and tired of being on them, sick and tired of not being able to think clearly, sick and tired of having to remember to take bloody pills with me every time I go out for dinner, and sick of the idea that I have to be on drugs to be a normal human being), and I think it's been having more effect than I realised. Perhaps that's why I was feeling more out-of-it than usual on Saturday night, too.
Anyway, I ended up getting into horrible arguments all over irc, and ended up yelling at
In other news, other stupid arguments are still continuing on news, though I think I'm just going to ignore those from now on -- if <lj user="****"> wants to keep on ticking me off she can do so by email, and if she thinks she's going to guilt-trip me into becoming just like her by telling me that she Doesn't Like Me As Much Any More Now, she has another think coming. And <lj user="******"> can just continue vanishing up his own self-important arse as far as I'm concerned.
(No, I wouldn't normally self-censor like that, but these are people with Top Sekrit Double Lives, so I'm not allowed to admit that I have any idea who they are. It would be terrible if anybody found out that ****** ****** is actually ****** ********, wouldn't it? Dear me, yes. Of course, if he really doesn't want anybody to know, he shouldn't tell anybody; but I guess it's more fun to tell a couple of people and then be really precious about how Important a Secret it is. Hell, I used to do that too when I was a kid. It's not even as if I first heard it from him -- it's practically common knowledge in Cambridge!)
Oh well. Life's too short to get too upset about stupid people; like I said, being disliked by people who barely know me is fairly low down my worry-list at the moment. I'm more worried about the fact that I seem to be getting irritated with people I actually really care about, and I think that's something I need to do something about. I don't want to go back onto the antidepressants, but it looks like I may have to.
There were good things about Monday though. For one thing, I got email saying that somebody had paid for 6 months of LJ account for me! Didn't find out till today who it was though -- huge thanks and *hugs* to
Other good things about Monday were all food-related, which sounds awful and piggy, but sometimes comfort food is nice. Leftover stirfry from Saturday made an excellent lunch; and then for dinner
So I finally found out who sent me the anonymous Valentine's Day card. Thank you, /.*/ -- I'm very flattered! :-) (Letting you preserve your anonymity in case you're embarrassed about it...)
Also seem to have made up with people who I was shouting at on irc, though I suspect that's probably more due to their tolerance and general nice-person-ness than anything I've done. :-/ It's good to be talking to people again, because I care a lot about them and I don't want to upset them... but I really just don't feel like I'm much good as a friend or a girlfriend at the moment. <sigh>
What's happening now: Completely failing to get my act together with reference to job applications. Dithering about whether to apply for a job which looks interesting, but a) pays slightly less than this one (but for shorter hours), b) looks like it might involve having to do some accountancy training, and c) is only three days away from the closing date so will be a huge stress to apply for at this late stage.
Feeling very woozy and headachey; keep feeling like I'm about to black out, my eyes kind of roll a bit but then they flick back to their normal position and it makes my headache twinge. Not looking forward to cycling home in the dark in this state at all. Time to go home now, though, if we're going to get dinner before