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Funny old week - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
Funny old week
I feel like my emotions are all over the place this week, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.


As a sort of background excitement, I've been really bouncy about the new car, which (all being well) I'll be picking up tomorrow. My insurance cover note turned up yesterday, and she passed her MOT today, so I've just about got everything ready. I've also bought a useful-looking book on maintenance and suchlike, and a tarpaulin so she doesn't get all rained-on, poor thing.

Nice evening with lnr, ewx and August (who's staying with them while flathunting in Cambridge) on Wednesday; we had gorgeous Chinese food cooked by lnr (to which I added the prawns I'd impulsively bought earlier in the week but not got round to using), and a nice relaxing evening chatting. Oh, and looking at weird sweets with insects in them on Cybercandy.

Good karate lesson last night, despite blistering my toe badly; spent the entire lesson doing kicks (learning to do mawashi mai geri, and learning not to get it confused with yoko geri), and actually felt like I managed to get somewhere for the first time in weeks. Mind you, it's entirely possible that I only had so much energy because I was imagining planting every kick firmly on some part of the anatomy of a certain person who shall remain nameless.

Then everything started going more and more wrong. After karate I tried to phone sion_a to get him to bring my ADs and a plaster for my blister to the pub, only to be rudely reminded by my phone that the SIM had been unregistered -- I did know this was going to happen, but having been notified about it over a week ago I'd forgotten it was going to happen when it did. So I found myself sans phone, sans phone book, and reduced to cycling around looking for a payphone to get in touch with sion_a. When I finally found a payphone, it turned out not to take any coins, and refused to take my credit card either; in the end I had to reverse the charges (oh well, it's my phone bill too) which I'd never done before, and which was awkward and stressy when the noise of traffic going past was too loud for me to hear the operator's voice most of the time.

Subsequent drinks (thanks to lnr and August for buying me drinks) and yummy Thai food -- (thanks to sion_a for paying for my dinner) in the Hopbine seemed quite good at first, it was nice to talk to people and the drink seemed to be helping me to relax a bit. However, it's depressing to find that I don't seem to be able to relax unless I'm drinking; and it's even more depressing to watch myself getting louder and more and more brash and generally irritating as I get more drunk. Then capped the evening by managing to put my foot in it enormously -- while bitching about a former acquaintance, I happened to mention something silly that Becky said about said acquaintance in email a while back, without realising that Becky was standing behind me. She burst into tears and apparently was devastated that I could say such nasty things about her... Um, okay, didn't think I was saying nasty things about her but she obviously took offence. I certainly didn't mean to offend her or upset her, but I figured there wasn't much I could do by then to make things better since she didn't look like she was in a mood to accept apologies, and I didn't think I was sober enough to make them coherently. Don't know what to do now since I suspect email will just make things even worse. To be honest though I didn't think she even liked me anyway, so I really don't understand why she was so upset... either I'm being crassly insensitive (entirely possible, given my current mood) or people are just weird and irrational and unpredictable sometimes (true, WLOG). Or both.

Various areas of usenet continue to be awful. Three people in particular are being differently awkward -- one person is just being a fuckwit as usual, which is fair enough, though he does now seem to have killfiled me (best news I've had all week). Another person (the aforementioned 'former acquaintance') is being more of an arsehole than usual, and I finally forgot my manners and resorted to ad hominem attacks (though honestly, it is bloody annoying to be lectured on one's driving skills by somebody who has, to date, failed their driving test at least 5 times!) -- at which point his girlfriend jumped in claws-first to defend him, and to have a go at me for revealing top sekrit information about his driving test to the assembled masses. Great.

In addition to all this I've been feeling physically grotty for most of the week -- stomach bug appears not to have gone away completely; readjusting to lower dose of ADs (and missing one on Wednesday, which was a Bad Idea); backache starting to get quietly worse again (and ongoing apathy means I haven't sorted out getting a proper chair yet); and not sleeping well (though that's hardly anything new). This is probably at least part of the reason why I've been on such a short fuse, though a lot of the recent usenet shenanigans would have made me angry at the best of times. It is, however, an astonishingly bad medium in which to lose one's temper with people.

In the meantime, work has continued to be awful. The stuff I'm doing at the moment is mostly very tedious and uninspiring (though at least I do have stuff to do, so I suppose I shouldn't complain) and I'm just so bored of it that I can't concentrate for more than a few minutes without my mind wandering, at which point my fingers wander on to Alt-Tab and I go to do something else instead... like news (miserable and depressing), email (lots of crap on mailing lists, mostly), irc (good to have the company, but everybody else tends to be stressing as well, and I do feel guilty just whinging at people on irc) and LJ. LJ's probably the only bit that still has sparkly bits in occasionally -- thanks marnameow for making me giggle with a very silly poll, and lnr for making me blush and go all wibbly with a very silly answer to one of the questions on said poll. :-)

The actual work at work isn't the real problem, though; it's just the ongoing air of lethargy and pointlessness in the office, and the now-confirmed knowledge that I'm extremely unlikely to get promoted any time soon -- not because I'm no good at my job, but because our team already has one Managing Editor and two Editors, and we don't need another Editor, so I'm stuck being an Editorial Assistant to avoid a "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" situation. Which is, not to put too fine a point on it, crap. On the other hand, the job I'm doing at the moment isn't really the job an Editor does -- it's much closer to something like "Technical Assistant" or some kind of support role, but they don't have a position for that, so I'm stuck in a square hole (becoming an increasingly round peg as I combat boredom by eating jaffa cakes -- and that's another thing that depresses me, watching myself get fatter and more unfit because I'm so bored I just eat all the time).

I applied for a job at Cambridge University Press, but to be honest I don't have very high hopes of getting it, as the job (Development Editor: Humanities) is more managerish than my current one and I know management isn't my strong suit. I emailed for an application form for another job, earlier this week, but haven't heard anything back yet -- should have phoned them today really but couldn't be bothered. It's a tech support (internal helldesk, mostly) job with East Cambs Council, based in Ely; not ideal, but looked like the sort of thing I could do, and I might feel like I was doing something more useful if I was working for the council. Seems more public-spirited than working to make money for people in suits, at any rate.

Just wish I didn't feel so lifeless and miserable so much of the time. Anyway, daneel_olivaw is coming to visit this weekend -- should be here any minute in fact -- so I'm going to have to try to be cheerier otherwise we'll just end up getting each other more and more miserable, and I don't want it to be like that. Just want to spend some time with him, as I haven't seen him properly for ages. ~sigh~


Oh well. Hopefully my mood will change. Meanwhile there's a homing sparrow (sion_a) on his way to pick me up from work, so I'd better shut down and go home. Here comes the weekend.
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Comments
jiggery_pokery From: jiggery_pokery Date: February 22nd, 2003 09:28 am (UTC) (Link)

sparkly

The only time I've ever worn nail polish (pictured) it was sparkly. :-)

Very hard to know how to reply to this, other than encouragement about the good things and sympathy for the bad things. I do care about you and hope that things pick up - but, somehow, can't offer any suggestions that I would feel confident about. (I can suggest things which work for me, but they probably wouldn't help - I hope you know yourself well enough to know what even the little things which work well for you are.) Please do share pictures of the new vehicle and I hope that it (checks: she!) makes you happy.

Usenet: you could change your Usenet habits somehow. I hate the thought of letting the botty-pains win, somehow, but they may well not be worth the effort. It could well be that LJ is more for you than Usenet - and if it is, that's OK. I wonder whether more good information is spread through blogs these days (or maybe even just LJ on its own?) than over Usenet these days, anyway?

*hugs*
j4 From: j4 Date: February 24th, 2003 05:57 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: sparkly

Thanks for the general sympathy/encouragement/etc. -- it does help, and to be honest sometimes I feel like I'm a bit overloaded with practical suggestions, and I just want somebody to say "Yeah.. Yeah, I know what you mean" and nod sympathetically. :-}

Please do share pictures of the new vehicle and I hope that it (checks: she!) makes you happy.

She's making me very happy at the moment! See latest entry for pics and details.

Usenet: you could change your Usenet habits somehow. I hate the thought of letting the botty-pains win, somehow, but they may well not be worth the effort.

I don't know. Usually I feel that while they're not worth the effort, the other people I interact with on usenet are worth persevering for. But I have moral (and practical) objections to killfiles, so if I take the good, I have to take the bad as well (my moral objections don't extend as far as having to read everything, but in practice I'm not good at just skipping over nasty posts).

I think part of the problem is that most areas of usenet are starting to feel extremely stale. So while there is still good stuff there, there's also a lot of dross. I'm not talking about the serious no-clue-zones, just the wandering-round-the-same-tired-arguments. Some of the groups I used to love are starting to feel less like a lively conversation area -- a university JCR, perhaps, or a decent pub full of interesting people -- and more like a bunch of crotchety old men whinging about the same old things in a corner of a greasy spoon café.

It could well be that LJ is more for you than Usenet - and if it is, that's OK. I wonder whether more good information is spread through blogs these days (or maybe even just LJ on its own?) than over Usenet these days, anyway?

I still have a lot of niggles about the way LJ works, though I also think there's a lot of good in it. I think the content is potentially more varied (and for obvious reasons there's less potential for tedious meta-debates about whether this is the right place to post stuff), and I like the fact that you make a positive choice to read the bits you want to read rather than having to make the negative choice to kill threads or killfile individuals when you don't want to read stuff.

I think there are fundamental underlying reasons why usenet isn't working as well any more, and I think the fact that blogs and suchlike are flourishing instead is a symptom rather than a cause. This is something I haven't got round to writing up into a coherent essaylet, though, so you'll have to bear with me while I get round to doing the necessary background reading and putting my thoughts into actual sentences...
reddragdiva From: reddragdiva Date: February 24th, 2003 12:18 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: sparkly

"I think there are fundamental underlying reasons why usenet isn't working as well any more, and I think the fact that blogs and suchlike are flourishing instead is a symptom rather than a cause."

Usenet used to be it for interactive communication online. Then the Web sprung up. Usenet never did become popular as such. Now the hot thing is Web-based stuff, because Usenet requires a clue. And I think Usenet is suffering from feeling like a has-been.

That said, the Web keeps reinventing Usenet, badly.
reddragdiva From: reddragdiva Date: February 22nd, 2003 12:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
There are times when "fuck off, you pointless waste of carbon" is actually the best possible response on Usenet private NNTP networks. Although I may not be the best person to look to concerning keeping things peaceable in such spaces.
j4 From: j4 Date: February 24th, 2003 06:02 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. :) To be honest I don't really care about keeping things peaceable any more, I just want to nuke the fuckers from orbit... Er, I mean, "We should all just be a bit more accepting of each other's quirks and foibles, and if we all just sat down and talked about it over a beer we'd all get along really well."

Yes. That's right. Love and acceptance. NOT big weapons. ("Stay good, Janet, stay good!")
reddragdiva From: reddragdiva Date: February 24th, 2003 12:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hey, I was somewhat surprised that damerell and I actually get along just fine in real life. Beer conquers all!
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