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No subject, abort? - shadows of echoes of memories of songs — LiveJournal
j4
j4
No subject, abort?
I've had quite a productive week, really. I took my bike in for fixing, took pto452 in for some more serious fixing, did a lot of washing, tidied up a bit, did my usual shifts at the Carlton, went to my usual orchestra rehearsal, ditto karate class, paid in some money, did a modelling session for a photographer (and got paid for it!), read some books I hadn't read before, practised piano and recorder (not at the same time) a bit, bought and helped to assemble a bookcase, reorganised the library, scanned in some images I'd been meaning to scan for ages (so I now have some new LJ icons), and bought a car (a K-reg Renault 5).

I also spent a lot of time with hoiho, who came down to visit for a few days. He's taken the job in High Wycombe, by the way.

And I'm starting my Shiny New Job tomorrow.

So why do I feel so utterly blank and hopeless?

Current Mood: blank, hopeless

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Comments
From: silicon_lotus Date: February 8th, 2004 04:43 pm (UTC) (Link)

...retry, ignore?

"So why do I feel so utterly blank and hopeless?"

Live through it. I started my Shiny New Job last month, and the blankness and hopelessness stayed in the background, except for being in the foreground whenever anything went wrong. Which they did, on several occasions, what with it being a new job and a very unfamiliar environment.

I was happy for several minutes on receiving my first shiny new pay cheque. You will be, too.

Hints and tips:

~ Breathe in.
~ Breathe out.
~ Notice how this kind of continues on its own.

You are now several seconds further through the blank and hopeless stretch. Make some tea.


Nile

Imtheochaidh an ghealach's an ghrian
An Daoine og is a chail 'na dhiadh


j4 From: j4 Date: February 9th, 2004 12:00 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: ...retry, ignore?

Live through it.

Yeah, thanks, that's what I've been doing for the past 10 years or so.
julietk From: julietk Date: February 9th, 2004 01:25 am (UTC) (Link)
It's maybe partly habit, if you see what I mean? If you've been feeling like that for ages, having a couple of good days may mean that you don't feel *worse* about yourself, but it's often not enough to help you feel *better*. Also nervousness about Shiny New Job may not help (note: expect to feel confused about Shiny New Job for at least the first week. I always sodding hate the first week of a job, I flap all over the place failing to know anything. It settles down after that).

*hugs* & good luck with job starting!
vinaigrettegirl From: vinaigrettegirl Date: February 9th, 2004 03:57 am (UTC) (Link)
Congrats on getting a working car in addition to the one you love but which doesn't work very well!

The B-&-H feeling *might* well be a habit, that's an interesting thought. But your feelings are just that: feelings, inside you: they aren't independent entities which can exist outside of you on their own. They are yours: nobody else has any choice about your feelings nor about what you decide to do about them (such as ignoring them because you know they will change in due course anyway). Moreover, you have clearly made choices - excellent ones, IMHO - about your actions over the last week. You are not letting yourself be the victim of your own feelings, you're getting on with life: quite right, too. You are the mistress of your internal house: hurray for you!
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 9th, 2004 04:02 am (UTC) (Link)
So why do I feel so utterly blank and hopeless?

It could be an adjustment thing. Once your brain gets into a pattern of "everything's hopeless, life sucks, it's never going to change", it takes a while to get out of that mindset even when things have changed. Something in the subconcious isn't quite convinced, and refuses to cheer up because it doesn't want to be let down if everything goes wrong again.

Add to that any scaryness about the new job, and it's quite understandable that you're not quite on top of the world. Given time though, it should sink in that things are going to stay good, and by then work will have stopped being scary, and you'll actually get to enjoy it.
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: February 9th, 2004 08:29 am (UTC) (Link)
I do not know why you feel bleak and hopeless, and I hope it breaks soon; good to hear that you are managing to be productive even through the bleak and hopeless, though. Strikes me as a positive sign, that.

*hugs-which-are-not-default-hugs-for-ease-of-typing-but-genuine-strongly-felt-hugs*
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