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I am a part of all that I have met - shadows of echoes of memories of songs
j4
j4
I am a part of all that I have met
It used to come so easily, this sort of thing.

A half-empty house, glowing light in the middle but dark around the edges, like the slow sodium sunset that sets the car park on fire every night. Sometimes we watch it from the balcony, standing in the shadows, raising a glass; I think of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, of late-night heat, the windows of continental hotel rooms.

The sun has long since set. I feel like the sky before the storm, airless and restless; opening windows and doors, playing half a song and knowing the ending before it's begun, moving things from place to place like the wind kicks a can along the kerbside. My skin feels salty, scratchy, too small.

Nights like this I miss everything, everyone and everything ever touched and lost: boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, new friends, rivers crossed and re-crossed, fire in open fields, a tiny kitchen with a skylight, a red carnation, a bench in the park on a stolen afternoon, two painted numbers, still water full of stars, 'sorry' scrawled on stone with stone, leather jackets many and various, poems published anonymously, a silver earring somewhere on the streets of Paris, kisses in alleyways, messages in bottles, names on pencil-cases, shells saved in pockets, green reeds strewn on the floor of a shed in the woods to dry and fade, sixteen-pointed stars made of paper, right the way back to the apple tree by the swing at the end of the long garden.

Lists are too easy, they swell like damp wood: I am crossing off items, I am tearing off the days, and there is nothing underneath except more days.

I am carrying a bag full of sand, with a hole in the bottom.

I am rattling around in a box full of bones.

How can you have so much, and lose so much, and still have so much to lose?
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Comments
james_r From: james_r Date: June 30th, 2008 12:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Ahh life.

Beautifully written.
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: June 30th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC) (Link)
It never gets easier, but with the right touchstones you get better able to bear it.
the_elyan From: the_elyan Date: June 30th, 2008 06:05 am (UTC) (Link)
I suppose the answer to the question is "the world is infinitely full of interesting things, and the enquiring mind can find more of them than the lived life has room to carry".

But that was very beautiful, and thank you for it.
taimatsu From: taimatsu Date: June 30th, 2008 08:39 am (UTC) (Link)
.
From: kaet Date: June 30th, 2008 11:42 am (UTC) (Link)
"It's not the disappointment that kills us, it's the hope" (various people, including John Cleese).

The greatest disappointment I have is with symbols and communication.

I felt a great sense of achievemnt this birthday thinking that I might be "half way there" (because of when my grandfather died), both forwards and backwards, I think.
rysmiel From: rysmiel Date: June 30th, 2008 02:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
*nod* I turned 35 start of May, and several people commented that I was expressing "Midway through the journey of my life"-type thoughts really rather a lot.
bluedevi From: bluedevi Date: July 15th, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
This was long ago now, but I saved it till I'd have time to enjoy it, and I wanted to say it's beautiful.
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